10 Facebook posts I’ll use my ‘dislike’ button for

Published October 26, 2015
Checking in with Phopo’s cousin’s neighbour’s dhobi’s wife? No.
Checking in with Phopo’s cousin’s neighbour’s dhobi’s wife? No.

Now that Facebook is working on the launch of a ‘dislike’ button, it is time to take up a far more important issue:

How will this most cherished, long awaited button be used?

To help you with that, we’ve compiled a list of Facebook phenomena we’ll be greeting with a nice thumbs down. Here they are:

1. A million identical selfies

We will dislike and un-dislike and then dislike again every picture of the person who posts two dozen selfies every day in the same pose, looking in the same direction, with the same head tilt, with the same shampoo bottle in the background in the same bathroom!

At least look the other way, choose another bathroom, go over to the terrace sometime, and give us a tour of the house via selfie outrage.

Ok, don’t.

2. Facebook privacy warnings

Since you cannot see the face we make every time you post that you refuse to let Facebook take your pic, use your pic, make scrambled eggs out of the pic, feed it to Zuckerberg or send it to Mars with the monkeys, we desperately need a Dislike button to mirror our reaction to such a status.

We got news for you: nobody from Facebook is reading that message or if they are, you are giving them a good laugh.

So, yes, very nice of you to provide comic relief to Facebook employees while slaughtering our sanity. Ha. Ha.

3. One like, one prayer

We swear upon everything good and holy, ask us that just one more time once the Dislike button is in place.

500 likes of this post will cure this child and also grow another leg for that amputee and share if you’re human and not a heartless demon planning world domination. Truth be told, we’d rather vote for that demon a million times just to escape the like-asking harassment posts.

Instead of asking for likes and shares, kindly get off your behind and actually do something for the child/amputee/war vet/old man/the homeless and your grandmother. Till then, we dislike your post 1,000 times with one dislike per share too.

4. Check-ins everywhere

Why do we need to know where you are at every given minute of the day?

Checking in with Phopo’s cousin’s neighbour’s dhobi’s wife.

Ok, that one is actually interesting. But checking in with the husband to eat paan... seriously?

Yes, we were just dying to know how you spend time with your spouse doing what exactly and where. Now, please proceed to tell us where you spat the paan ki peek too.

Check in at corner of Khayaban-e-Shamsheer, throwing peek with husband.

Let us alert the muggers. We’re sure they would like to know that too. Or the cops perhaps?

Checking in at hell. (We won't dislike this one.)

5. One man show

This is me in Murree. This is me in a garden. This is me smelling a flower. This is me eating *faluda. This is me at Mukka Chowk. This is me in the shower, err…almost.*

Yes, we get it. You’re doomed to live alone and die alone too, with just one lonely flower growing out of your grave. And that’s probably because you’re too cool for company or maybe nobody likes you. But must we put up with you? And how hard is it to put it all in one album and mark it “Forever Alone”?

6. Coochy Coo lovebirds

To my loving and bessteessttt husband of them all!! You are the love of my life and I dedicate “Tum hi ho” and “mujhay neend na aye” to you. I love you so much, my babykins. Muah muah.

Statuses like that make us want to end the world. First of all...bestest husband? How many do you have? Also, that’s incorrect English.

7. Tag! You’re it!

Do not tag us in a bad picture of us or in the ‘friendship is lowe’, album where the birds and bees make you feel all goosebumpy inside; or in a chain letter that we must send to a 100 good women to get one second of good luck. Don’t.

If we see another bird and butterfly, we will swat you.

Also, we don’t know 100 good women. We only know you. And you’re a pain as of that tag and may all evil befall you. But all that, after we’ve disliked everything you’ve posted that day.

8. Spoiler alert

Yes, we really wanted to know what happened in the Red Wedding, and how Oberyn was killed before we even had a chance to see the episode or its teaser. (Oops, sorry if we spoiled Game of Thrones for you, but you see, it does say 'spoiler alert' above).

To all those the-butler-did-it spoiler statuses, may your television sets and laptops burst into flames right before the next episode of whatever fancies you the most and may your theatre tickets catch fire at the box office right after they hang the 'SOLD OUT' board there. May every torrent website you download from get blocked.

And here’s a ‘dislike’ from us as a cherry to top it all.

9. Dark and mysterious

Some people like to kiss and not tell, be actually cool by shunning the spotlight, intrigue the world with their charm. Others write vague Facebook statuses: “Confused.”

Yeah, so are we. Dislike button pressed! Also, please get it out of your head, you are not a philosopher.

10. Photoshop level – Disastrous

No, you did not meet Sunny Leone and she did not let you put your hands around her waist.

No, Katrina does not want to marry you.

And no, that is not your leg on your Ferrari.

Yes, we know since you tagged us in all your cruise pictures that you unfortunately did manage to go on. Also, your name is Khan, not Imran Abbas. Use your own pic as a profile picture.


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