Dear Aunt, I am a 19-year-old boy. I have a girlfriend and we both love each other. But the problem is that she thinks negatively of me. Whatever good I do becomes bad as she always takes the opposite meaning out of everything I do. The more effort I make to make her happy, it seems the more tension there is in my relationship with her. As I am a boy I have other things to do alongside my studies, such as helping my father in his business. But my girlfriend always thinks I am busy with another girl. I am totally confused. What should I do? How can I make her happy? Forlorn   Dear Trustworthy, Have you done anything in the past that broke her trust and made her turn on her radars? Did she have a relationship in the past in which the man cheated on her? Maybe she grew up in a house where there were trust issues between her father and her mom. You need to look at your own behaviour closely. Do you look ‘too interested’ when a girl talks to you or are you hanging out with too many other girls? Over-friendly relationships with other girls can raise the red flag for your girlfriend.

The first thing in dealing with this issue is to take a close and honest look at your own behaviour and make sure you are not doing anything that triggers her insecurity. Also make the effort to display trustworthy behaviour to your girlfriend. Show that you have integrity, are reliable and loyal; that means keep your promises all the time and also always tell the truth, even when it is not pleasant. Avoid ‘white lies’ such as saying that you are feeling fine when you are not.

If things still don’t change after you have evaluated your behaviour and tweaked some bad habits, then you need to remind her that you have not hurt or betrayed her and make it very clear to your girlfriend that enough is enough and that you will not tolerate any needless suspicions. If she still cannot help herself and continues with her jealousies, then you need to ask yourself whether it is worth continuing with a relationship that is causing so much tension in your life.   Salam Auntie, I belong to a middle-class family and have seen many different people (poor or wealthy) and their life styles. I always try to understand things. Actually now I want an upgrade in my life, and change the people in my surroundings. I know people can’t be changed, but I really want to associate with world-class, educated and smart people. I need to learn more so that I grow more. I believe there are some hidden talents in me that I can express, but I haven’t found the right time or worthwhile people. I need self-confidence, appreciation and support. I want to live my life in a more progressive way.

I don’t want to remain what I am. I need a transformation in myself and also in my family. Sometimes my views are different from those of my close ones. I also think I am a little bit smarter that people in my family and so now I need to move up a level and be surrounded by those more artistic than me. My relatives are not inspiring. I don’t want to be around them as I never learn something new from them. They are making me mediocre; most of the time they talk about the ‘past’ and have purposeless conversations. There’s no point of having productive communication with them. They don’t change their old habits, old thinking and old attitudes. It is like they are holding me back. Sometimes their actions are beyond my expectations when I communicate with them in English. They don’t spend their time effectively as educated people should do. Some of them hide themselves or have double standards. I read somewhere “Your people and your environment shape your life story” and I wonder where I can find the associations I desire? I believe geniuses can help me change my life, but where do I look for them? I badly need high calibre, learned and disciplined people. Above and Beyond

Dear Upwardly Mobile, May I suggest that you start your journey of transformation by treating everyone as your social equal, even if deep down you think that they are not? May I also suggest that you avoid considering yourself above others and refrain from throwing around words such as ‘genius’ so lightly? Such grand descriptions of one’s abilities sound better when they come from others. That does not mean that you should put yourself down. Just don’t brag about yourself. You think differently from your family and that is that. You don’t need to judge them because their English is not good or because you consider their interests frivolous. They are who they are. Please understand that the ‘superiority’ of people who speak English and your opinion of people’s interests are just that … opinions. They are not the ultimate truth.

From your letter it is not clear whether you are studying or working. But one way you can try and change your social group and class is to gain a good-quality education at a respected institution and also to work hard towards a career that allows you to hang out with the kind of world-class and educated people that you want to hang out with.
Or you could also marry up.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, April 26th, 2015

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