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The exposition


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— Illustration by Abro

Almost two years ago Osama bin Laden was supposedly killed. Do the silly Americans think that we actually believe the lies they are spreading about his tragic murder and his demeaning burial at the sea?

We being true Muslims and card-carrying/bomb-making/McDonald’s-clomping leaders of the ummah can’t be fooled.

There was no Osama in that compound in Abbottabad. The Americans killed a look-alike of Osama. The real Osama died of gall-bladder failure in a bush in Sudan in 2002.

What’s more, his wives who were supposedly captured from the Abbottabad compound too were look-alikes, and so were his children. They were all look-alikes.

But it doesn’t stop here. Us Pakistanis know that the news about Osama’s death from gall-bladder ailment in Sudan in 2002 is also suspect.

That guy too was a look-alike. So, yes, it can safely be suggested that the guy they killed in Abbottabad in 2011 was actually a look-alike of a look-alike.

So when did Osama die if not in 2002 or 2011?

According to a super famous journalist and TV anchor, Tipu Sultan, who interviewed Osama in an impoverished disco in Kandahar in 1998, Osama was actually dead at the time of the interview.

He said that that the guy he talked to was actually a man called Al-Bakir Al-Shaikh Al-Qaedawallah, an expert Elvis-turned-Osama-look-alike who told him (off the record) that Osama actually died in 1991 of malaria in the jungles of the Republic of Congo.

Nevertheless, there is every likelihood that the Congo guy was an Osama look-alike as well. So, in other words, the guy who the Americans claimed to have killed in Abbottabad was really a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike.

Nevertheless the actual truth is that there was never an Osama. He was never born. It was all an American concoction.

The character of Osama Bin Laden was first conceived by America’s 15th President James Buchannan in 1859 when along with the Queen of England he decided to begin a brand new crusade against the Muslims.

According to well-known Muslim historian and gymnast, Naseem Hijazi, the British monarchy had accused a man called Osama Bin Laden for financing and instigating the 1857 Indian Mutiny against the British imperialists.

The Americans and the British then claimed to have suppressed the mutiny by killing Osama in a daring raid. He was claimed to have been hiding in the hookah cafe of the last Mughal king, Bahadur Shah Zafar.

Zafar denied the accusations, saying that no such man was seen on his radar. The British exiled Zafar to Burma and destroyed the radar, saying there is no such thing as a radar.

By the way, the guy the British claimed was Zafar was not exiled to Burma. He was only a look-alike. The real Zafar died of dengue fever in Guatemala where he had gone to raise an army against the British and study plants. Famous thinker and horticulturalist, Noam Chomsky, confirmed this.

This concocted episode was rightly expunged from the history books by Muslim historians, until America brought the invisible Osama character back to life in the 1990s.

They had originally planed to use him as a bogey to invade Canada, but changed their plans and decided to invade Afghanistan after they got jealous of all the amazing and unprecedented economic, cultural and military progress taking place in Afghanistan (under the Taliban) and Pakistan (under handsome military men).

Thus, not surprisingly, the 9/11 episode happened. We all know who was responsible. Not a single Jew died in that attack.

Neither did any Hindus, Christians, Sikhs, animists and pagans.

The truth is, only Muslims died in that attack. The proof? Simple. Log on to YouTube and check out brilliant, award-winning documentaries, ‘Loose Nut’ and ‘The Drivels.’ Popcorn’s on the house.

There was never any Osama Bin Laden. Just like there is no Mulla Omar, no Taliban, no Al-Qaeda. They’re all American concoctions. There’s only Coca-Cola the real thing.

Furthermore, America never won the war against the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union’s breakup too was a concoction. Soviet Union is still alive and thriving.

We don’t hear about it is because the Jewish controlled media has blocked all news about the Soviet Union. That is because the Afghan and Arab mujahideen that fought against it, liberated Afghanistan and conquered Soviet Union turning it into an Islamic caliphate. That’s why America’s next target will be Valdimir Putin (real name Abdul Something).

So if one day you hear that Americans have assassinated Putin, don’t believe it. The real Putin died of a kidney ailment in 1045 AD.

The Zardari government should’ve resigned for letting America make a fool of Pakistanis even though at the same time it be praised for saving our souls and faith by banning YouTube.

The Army is not to be blamed. The radar that failed to pick up American helicopters on May 2 was not a radar. It was a look-alike of the real thing that the Americans didn’t give us. Only the mighty Hamid Gul hinted at this while picking his nose. It was a sign: ‘Dig deep, dear patriots. You have nothing to lose but your heads.’

Well said, Gul (real name Genghis), because after all, who needs heads when knees can perform the same function.

Author Image

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha

The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Comments (49) Closed

Faisal Dec 23, 2012 07:09pm
He's being sarcastic.
Mawish Dec 23, 2012 06:06pm
I disagree with NFP. Army SHOULD be blamed for the OBL mishap, along with IK. After all , army is currently in power. Army is the root cause of all problems. Whatever has happened in the last 4 years is because of army, such as billions of rupees of corruption, looting of steel mill, destruction of pia, hours and hours of load shedding, increase in crime rate, target killing in khi, lawlessness, increase in poverty , the list goes on. Army and IK are responsible for everything and should be held accountable.
samina Dec 23, 2012 02:46pm
nadeem, if you really exist, and you are not a figment of our imagination then i declare that that should be forced to write more often about imaginary people and events.
Singh Dec 23, 2012 05:24pm
I am laughing hahahhhhaaaaa ..... "There
Nasir Dec 23, 2012 02:56pm
Pakistan has turned away from Humanity.
ahmed41 Dec 23, 2012 08:35am
This satire is not written by NFP~~~~~~it was penned by a ghost-writer , a write-alike person !!!
Ahmed j Dec 23, 2012 04:58pm
An amusing article and full of truth but the a write up with a satire tint should not have a place in Dawn's Opinion page. Opinion traditionally had serious writing. An appropriate alternate good space is needed for this kind of clever writing. Editors, please keep the decorum of a traditional newspaper.
taranveer singh Dec 23, 2012 03:26pm
hats off sir. me and my friend were continually laughing while reading your article. wish there will be many people with brain like yours. u r simply best.
anil Dec 23, 2012 04:49pm
Love the way you write . But I can't understand whether you write it just for the sake of entertainment or such kind of mentality and thinking exists there ? If the later one is correct , then I can only advise "You can't win a race against truth as truth is universal and satyameb jayate".
Observer Dec 23, 2012 07:53am
I am proud to be a Muslim and Pakistani we have Blasphemy laws and it rocks in Pakistan.Pakistan is truly Islamic republic.We need to teach kafir nations such as Americans,Indians,English about Blasphemy laws.
Erum Dec 23, 2012 07:54am
@Shumail khan Great idea, but I doubt if he'll ever going to do it. Though very few people have actually met him, I was lucky to see him at a lecture that he was giving at a local university. He is an articulate speaker and very witty as well. But as a person I found him to be very shy, reserved and quiet. Also, he's just too much of an individualist to come on TV or join a political party.
Seeker Dec 23, 2012 07:44am
You have the Pakistani establishment encouraging fundamentalism. 2)Calling Ahmedia as non-Muslims. 3)Supporting Ulema such as Madrasas of different sects Deobandi,Berelvi,salafi,wahabi, Ismaili Zaidi, Alevis, Alawis and Druze. 4)Taking instructions from Mullahs like Zia had taken Instructions from radical Sunni mullahs. 5)Not taking strict actions against fundamentalist,extremists,terrorists. 6)Police,rangers,politician,military and media supporting their own religion or sects or ethnicity against others. Unfortunately,Pakistan is a fractured society where there is not unity.
shafiqa88 Dec 23, 2012 08:00am
Love the way you write! And this is true too, don't know when Americans concoction will end.
Cyrus Howell Dec 23, 2012 12:03pm
Pakistan has turned away from God, and even a blind person can see it.
2Cents Dec 23, 2012 01:03pm
I agree. There is no person named NFP. He died during the battle of Saraighat. His triple body triple has been impersonating him. We demand an investigation by his body triple of none other than Aurangzeb. Appalling!
2Cents Dec 23, 2012 12:54pm
Make that a Million!
2Cents Dec 23, 2012 12:53pm
Nope! Just translate his writings to Urdu and It will be my impostor, who will be hounding him. Not me, I died just after Good Friday and that my body-ddouble has been posting on my behalf and probably go after NFP. It's not me, pls save me. Will Easter ever come?
2Cents Dec 23, 2012 12:48pm
I am not a real person, but felt like I had to push the "like" button. I don't know why but that darn Putin and Hanid Pul guys does wonders to my brain that was not even mine, was buried but got my ID to post this comment. Bravo NFP.
2Cents Dec 23, 2012 12:44pm
And I am not a real person. I died in 230 BC and NFP has been haunting my soul ever since. Darn you NFP for waking me up after a nice long nap!
Agha Ata Dec 23, 2012 02:16pm
No, No, No, Mr. Paracha will never write such an article. NO. This writer must be a look-alike of Mr. Paracha. I am sure.
Nisar Ahmed Dec 23, 2012 07:32am
@saba and Ursilla Haha. Believe it or not, this still goes on. Late last year on some Facebook page some guys were saying that NFP gave up writing in 2000 but was paid a big amount by Dawn to let it use his name.
Shumaila khan Dec 23, 2012 01:09pm
Imran khan was once so shy that he could not speak to 10 boys of the team. Nfp at least gives public talks :)
Gunjan Dec 23, 2012 01:06pm
You are onto something scientific NFP. You see the anti of anti-matter is matter, if it matters.
Saba Jamil Dec 23, 2012 06:03am
Haha. Loved it. Cuts through our nations obbessesion with denial when it comes to religious terrorism. Love you NFP. Btw, I have also heard some folks suggest that Nadeem F. Paracha does not exist. He is just s concoction and creation of Dawn. :)
SSM Dec 23, 2012 06:16am
Hilarious! but so true! excellent!
Burhan Dec 23, 2012 06:35am
Ursilla Anjum Dec 23, 2012 06:35am
LOL! NFP has this amazing knack of using sharp, absurd satire to expose the ideocyncracies of society. Kudos, NFP. Always a pleasure to read your stuff in Dawn.
Naseer Dec 23, 2012 06:36am
A very nice article. Like all sincere Pakistani's your heart also cries for the peaceful country we have lost to the terrorists and terrorist sympathizers. Sad part is that there is not even a movement in the right direction, not even a first step.
Ahmed Dec 23, 2012 06:52am
Good satire NFP. A hate-hate denial-denial nation with its head in the sand. When will we wake-up and confront head-on with this hypocrisy. So sad!!!
shiva Dec 23, 2012 07:01am
True Saba..he is a copy cat of the original Redeem I. Gotcha who died in the battle of Batli-loo in 1885
Munir kakar Dec 23, 2012 07:04am
You can not expose those who always remain "economical with truth" more sarcastically and convincingly than NFP. But beneath the hilarious layer one can discern the intense ache he is afflicted with. He is rightly appalled at the devastating direction that we have opted for which is leading us to apocalypse and fraught with every conceivable disasters let alone compelling us to tell lies to everyone including ourselves. Brilliant article!
aabdul Dec 23, 2012 07:04am
Allah bless Nadeem Paracha and grant another look-alike and write-alike NFP.
kausik Dec 23, 2012 07:06am
Brilliant satire by NFP. He should enter politics in Pakistan just like loksatta leader JP (Jayaprakash narayan) of Hyderabad AP India trying to decriminalization of politics in India.Educated elite instead of sitting on sidelines should enter politics like USA and clean it from inside.Democracy offers that opportunity it is not perfect as there is no point in critisizing from outside
A.Tandon Dec 23, 2012 07:08am
true osama is worshiped n should be worshiped , taliban regards Ajmal kasab hero.
Indian Dec 23, 2012 07:10am
A country having Islamic mania and non-Islamic phobia.
aabdul Dec 23, 2012 07:11am
Scientists believe that even we don't exist, let alone Nadeem Paracha. None of us exist, it is all a dream. So, these retired failed Pakistani generals and security experts with red topi, who say none of anything that they don't ant to believe ever happened, are actually American scientists in disguise, more precisely the Jews, who really don't exist.
Ursilla Anjum Dec 23, 2012 07:13am
@Saba This actually happened to me. While on a visit to the UK I got into a discussion with some Pakistani students at SOAS. The topic turned to journalism and terrorism in Pakistan and then to NFP. Two guys acutely said that NFP was just a byline that had been turned into a brand by Dawn. And that the real NFP stopped writing a decade ago. :D But alas, these guys were taken aback when NFP turned up some months later to deliver a talk at SOAS. The hall was packed with Pakistani and Indian students. But I just couldn't see the two guys I was talking about. It was weirdly funny.
Vikram Dec 23, 2012 07:13am
We need 100 cloned NFPs writing for Dawn.
dr vimal raina Dec 23, 2012 07:18am
look and and and infinity!
Shumaila khan Dec 23, 2012 07:35am
Nfp, your articles provide entertainment to a fraction of the society that could understand english satire. A brain like yours should choose a better medium and style to positively impact society. You might want to try hands on becoming anchor.
mehdi Dec 23, 2012 08:37pm
it is a bloody satire :)
Mohammed Shuaib Sheikh Dec 23, 2012 08:55pm
Mawish you seem to be a card carrying member of Zardari party and PTI simultaneously, which is unnatural but true. Zardari is the present ruler and Khan was with the military with Musharaf.
zaman tareen Dec 23, 2012 09:10pm
the report of UN about Banazir butto,who killed her the same killers killed Bashir blr.
Mashood Ahsan Dec 23, 2012 09:59pm
Wonderful as usual. This reflects true mindset of majority of our nation. We are in constant denial, media is equally responsible for this sorry state of affair.
Talha Dec 23, 2012 11:44pm
not to mention Pakistan losing the world-cup semi-final against India...Stupid Army and IK!
Bakhtawer Bilal Dec 24, 2012 03:27am
I wonder what did you take for dinner. Dec 24, 2012 07:02am
whats is this... what is he trying to the writer the Most intelligent guys in Pakistan and Off course USA.
SabaAftab Dec 28, 2012 10:34am
You are adorable! Love you for writing such pieces.
SabaAftab Dec 28, 2012 10:36am
always! ;)