Hello Auntie
I am currently working in a bank as investment banker and have a stable job. I like this girl ‘S’. We have spent ample time with each other discussing things and enjoying life. When the time was right I asked her if I could marry her, to which she responded, “Whatever my parents shall say, I will accept.”

Given this message, I told my parents about S and got them on board.

Then my parents called S’ parents, introduced themselves and sought time for a formal meeting to see their daughter. Her parents seemed a bit unwelcoming and began questioning about me, my job status, etc. After hearing just the summary, they declined to invite us to their home saying, “He works in a bank” and that is not our preference.

‘Her parents don’t accept me because I am a banker’

This was the most pathetic excuse that anyone can come up with. After this, when I asked S, she said that the decision has been made and there is nothing we can do. It would be better to part ways and, without mutual agreement, she did.

I am at a loss for words and cannot focus on anything. The whole world seems to be upside down for me. I am unsure about what I should do next. I am heartbroken because I never expected such a silly ending. I am well educated and would not opt to do anything stupid I assure you.

I am just feeling numb because life feels so unjust! I wish there was a second take on this subject matter and the odds were in my favour!
Regards
Puzzled

Dear Don’t-Be-Puzzled,
The poet, Maya Angelou, said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Pay attention, because these are wise words and knowing this will take you far in life. Your love interest made it clear that she will accept her parents’ decision, whatever that may be. And she is doing exactly that.

Why are you so surprised?

Often when we really, really want something, we become blind to the reality that is facing us. It seems that when S said that she will respect her parents’ wishes, you actually heard, “I will bring my parents around to it,” or “I will fight for this thing that we have.” But what she actually said was, “Whatever my parents shall say, I will accept.” And her parents said no, for whatever reason. They did not approve of your job, or maybe it was your family or your social status. Maybe they just didn’t like you for completely irrational reasons and are making up an excuse to nip the rishta in the bud. The fact is, the girl is sticking by her parents’ decision — like she said she would — and you need to respect that, even if it sounds silly and pathetic to you.

At the same time, Auntie is sorry that you are heartbroken. You invested time and effort in the relationship. It didn’t work out. Look for the lessons in this. One of them is the one I have already told you. Another could be that the next time (and there will be a next time!) you get talking to a girl you are interested in, look for someone who will love you and fight for you if it comes to that.

For the time being, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. If you feel like crying, do it. A lot of men grow up suppressing their emotions, which is quite unhealthy, so I would encourage you to shut the door, give yourself some alone time and really feel and accept what you are going through. Seek professional counselling if you feel that you need to. Also look for ways to distract yourself, by meeting up with friends or pursuing an interest you have been neglecting.
This too shall pass.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 19th, 2018