Salam Auntie, I have been reading your column since I was 11 or 12 years old, but never thought that I would write to you until now. I wanted an unbiased opinion on something really important in my life. I gave my MCAT last year and got selected by a university, which was my last option. I wanted to get into some other university, but ended up being here.

It has been six months and I am still stuck in the entrance exam phase. I still feel depressed. A part of me strongly wants to repeat and try for the place I always dreamt of going to. I honestly do not like the university I am enrolled in. Everyone wants me to settle down and be thankful for whatever I have got, because so many students don’t even get selected. I am thankful. I truly am. But it is hard to see your dreams break like this. Medical science is my dream and I wanted to pursue it in my dream university. I cry now and then for no reason. My question is: should I repeat the entrance exam?

Because that is what I really want to do. I may get a seat in the university I wanted to, or maybe I don’t. But I think whatever happens at least it will help me to end this cycle. Or will it not? My dad thinks that I am not thinking rationally and I am making all these decisions emotionally. I don’t know what to do. I personally want to try and take another shot. Waiting eagerly for your response.

Confused

Dear Student,

The good news is that you are enrolled in an alternative course. While I am not qualified to talk about admissions and career choices, there are certain things which are common sense and on which I can comment. For instance, in order to re-sit exams you will have to keep up with your course work at your current university (keep the bird in hand!), and revisit what you have studied previously. This is not for everyone and you have to decide seriously if you can take the double load.

Also you have to have a frank discussion with your parents, regarding the loss of a year and their finances. A lot of people are averse to losing time during education so you need to come up with a good reason to explain how losing a year is actually helping you in the long run. If you will be enrolling again next year, it could be that your parents end up paying a hefty admission and tuition fee. They might also see this year’s fee as money that was wasted. Two years in a row may not be comfortable for a lot of people.

As for you, you need to be flexible! You need to thoroughly research what it means to be a medical student and evaluate honestly whether you are cut out for it. It may seem very happening from the outside, but it’s a lifelong commitment to strenuous service for humanity and should be the most important life decision you make. Talk to happy medical students and also to those that dropped out if you can, to get a clear picture.

Get your parents on board first by clarifying things in your own mind, stay positive, work hard, and then go for it.

Dear Auntie,

I am getting engaged very soon. I am very scared, as I have seen my father insulting my mother in front of people, as well as at home. I really respect my dad, but he has been very abusive towards my mom and it makes me very scared, as I believe that the same will happen to me. What should I do? Just want to mention that I am 20 years old. Maybe I am not ready for this now?

Help me

Dear Start-healing,

The importance of dealing with one’s past cannot be overestimated. It is seen time and again that many people recreate the trauma of their childhood over and over. Some people who were victimised as children, continue to be abused regularly as they grow up. Often people end up marrying people who are similar to one of their parents. At times it is uncanny.

Please be clear, that I am not saying that this will happen to you.  But there are some people who continue to recreate their parent’s lives or their childhood traumas over and over — until they see what is happening, talk about the past, and begin to deal with it in order to break the cycle and move onto leading a healthy life. Sometimes people may not repeat the pattern, but may turn inwards and become angry and depressed.

You may be (understandably) reluctant to revisit memories, but it is critical if you want to heal from witnessing your parent’s marriage. And in order to heal you need to seek quality professional therapy. This is nothing to be ashamed of as nearly everyone has undergone some form of trauma that can be healed through therapy, so you are not alone. The difference is you recognise the issue and are seeking help.  It may be difficult for you to convince your parents to do this, or to find the finances for this (if you are not earning), but the valuable effects of professional therapy with a good therapist, for your present and for the rest of your life, cannot be overstated.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com 

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, April 24th, 2016