Hey Auntie,

I am a 20-year-old female medical student. I have a loving family, great friends and thankfully a good life. My problem is my brain. I find it extremely hard to move on from things, like a thought that takes hold of my mind or the songs I listen to over and over again or the mundane daily routine. I have a problem letting go and moving on. But when change does happen, I like it and feel refreshed.

So why is it so hard to just be this easygoing right from the start? Secondly, how do I overcome over thinking? My mind just has to obsess over what happened, why and what was right and what wasn’t until it begins to clog my brain, but still the thoughts just cling. I’ve been thinking a lot over religion and God lately, and why some people are atheists and stuff and why some aren’t. It’s getting all messed up. It’s an issue because my medicine studies are very tough and I need to stay put and study hard. It’s getting more and more difficult to stay focused and undistracted because of all this. Please help me!

Obsessive

Dear Focused,

Now that’s quite a common problem, it is after all the age of anxiety and anyone who is even a wee bit sensitive is likely to obsess. Here are a few tips on how to take charge of your brain. Start by getting to the root of your obsessive thoughts. Are you doing it out of some genuine fear or are you trying to avoid studying? Do you feel more in control judging and obsessing about atheists and less in control of your studies? Often whatever you are obsessing about is not the problem. Instead whatever you are using that obsession to run away from is the real issue. Be honest with yourself when pinpointing the reason because once you name the reason for your obsession, it loses considerable hold over you.

Once you have done that, try and figure out how this obsession of yours is benefiting you in some way. Is it keeping you in your comfort zone in some way? Do you really feel aligned with the career you are pursuing?

Next, schedule a time during the day, which you will allot to your obsessions. Then use that time to obsess and even write out those niggling thoughts. If the obsessive thought creeps up during the day, just think, “Not now obsession … I will deal with you later”. Then go back to doing whatever it was that you were doing. If you decide to write down your thoughts, do so and then chuck them away. Or maybe pinch yourself hard, every time the thoughts come back. You may end up with some sore red skin, but it will have been worth it.

Learn to stay present. Auntie knows it can be tough, because people who obsess are usually anywhere but in the here and now; however, this is something you really need to work on. To become present right now, start with your senses and listen carefully to the sounds you can hear. Is that a bird chirping? Is there a thelay wala calling out outside? Move onto what you can see. Your dressing table. Your cupboards. Your desk. Practice focusing on what you can see in front of you, every time you catch your mind beginning to wander and bring it back to the present.

This practice will also help you figure out what makes you lose focus. Do you keep getting hungry when you ought to be studying? Are you itching to check how your best friend’s cat is recovering from the flu on social media when you should be focused on doing something else?

To become more productive during your day, start by making a realistic to-do list and then stick to it. Go offline and put your phone on silent if you think it will help.

And finally break up your study material into small chunks and tackle it one bit at a time. When you accomplish what you set out to do, take a break, reward yourself and then put your nose back into those books.

Dear Auntie,

I never thought that someday I will also be sharing my problem with you. I am a middle-aged woman, married with four kids. My husband and I are both doctors and we have been married for 15 years. It was a love marriage. Everything was going fine but then I noticed that a young doctor in my husband’s department was quite friendly with him. I don’t know but I had a strange instinct regarding her, although I am not a typical wife and am in fact quite open minded. I talked to my husband and he simply rubbed off my suspicions. In fact, the girl also worked at his clinic. Three months back I discovered that both of them had been talking late into the night on the phone every weekend or when I was not around for the past two years. He shared dirty jokes with her on Whatsapp which in my opinion one can only share with a wife or girlfriend. I confronted him and he denied it and said that he was a mentor to her and there is no affair going on. He handled the situation very badly. He shouted at me, kicked and slapped me and on one occasion said that I am jealous as he is talking to her at night but did not do the same when we had an affair.

Instead of realising his mistake he raised his ego, but when he saw that our kids were being affected by this situation, he said sorry to me and according to him he stopped talking to her on the phone and has removed her from his clinic, although she is still in his department. I am really shattered and I don’t know what to do now, or why he did this to me. He used to praise me in the past that I have maintained myself even after four kids, my intellectual level and my artistic nature. What went wrong? I asked him if there was something missing in our relationship and he said no. What surprised me was that my husband was not a flirty kind of person but, in fact, was a shy person who always kept his distance from women. I cannot forget how he reacted when I confronted him and I cannot forgive and trust him. I do not want to leave him and I don’t know how to act with him now. Please help me.

Cheated on

Dear Woman,

At the risk of generalising I don’t think anyone gets over a spouse’s affair.

Suppose you never discovered the Whatsapp messages and never acted on your hunches to confront your husband. He would have continued with the relationship, right? He only said sorry to you because of the effects on the children and not because he feels any genuine remorse.

He cannot pinpoint why what happened, happened, but he clearly does not feel the same loyalty and bond with you, that you feel with him. He wasn’t thinking about you while chatting late night with this girl. And then he had the audacity to hit you, for something that was his fault.

Your husband actively tried to kill your marriage. I say kill because, marriage is all about trust. Anyone who tries to come between the bond that a husband and wife have, ought to be cut out from their lives. Why else would one get married, if not to have a spouse who is loyal and faithful?

Bottom-line: You need to think carefully about what you want to do about a man who cheated on you and then raised his hand on you when you confronted him.

You can continue to live with him, but keep your eyes open. And never take the blame, because there are no two ways about the fact that he wronged you.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, July 20th, 2014