For the last three years, Karim has not kept in touch with his two siblings and intentionally or unintentionally tries to keep his family away from theirs. He says he does so in order to avoid any chance of disagreement or hard feelings. He parted ways when, after his father’s sudden death, a dispute regarding the ownership of the house and other assets arose. In the absence of a written will, the siblings could not come up with a settlement on division of assets and hence the animosity and negative vibes for each other. Karim says it is hard to accept but sometimes it is better to maintain a distance to avoid hard feelings.

It is not very unusual for siblings to be that way. In many families such situations arise when disputes, misunderstandings and differences of opinion create rifts resulting in distances between them.

In extreme cases, various families experience situations where siblings sever ties and stop talking to each other. Factors such as division of larger families into nuclear ones, migration to other countries, etc. result in pressures due to income / class differences and misunderstandings; thus they stop interacting with each other. Reasons could be any or many, but one thing is for sure that at an individual level, their differences reach a threshold of patience and forbearance.

While Karim accepts that he does not meet his siblings, many people prefer to cover up and hide their estrangement because they feel it’s embarrassing to make it public and may leave a bad impression.

On why some siblings prefer to disconnect and cut the cord

Zareena, a mother of two kids, who stopped talking to her brother two years back when she felt that he was too busy in his personal life to bother about his sister and her problems, says that she has always lied about her relationship with her only brother, telling everyone that he is a very caring and responsible brother. She says that when her brother didn’t visit them against her expectation when her son was ill, she felt deep pain and a sense of detachment from him which ultimately forced her to part ways. However, she accepts that it is embarrassing for her when people ask about severed relations.

It’s not uncommon for siblings to fight and be angry with each other, but the ability to resolve such conflicts decides the future course of relationship between them.

According to research, there are two kinds of personality types which appear prone to sibling estrangements; the extremely hostile and those who tend to always bear grudges about others.

In some cases, siblings compete with one another for parental love and attention and their relationship becomes estranged especially when someone feels neglected and ignored. Arif always felt that his mother showed more support and care for his two elder sisters than for him, to the extent that during episodes of flu he was mostly treated with home remedies and medicines lying around the house instead of being taken to the doctor.

Some adults forego the feeling of being a less-favoured child whereas others let it fester. It is seen that compared to those struggling with careers and daily life issues, others who develop their careers and have fulfilling lives are less likely to fixate themselves on their lacking relationships with their siblings. We often come across siblings who opt to completely cut off from their other siblings regardless of its consequences.

Mrs Khan, a housewife, does not meet or talk to her siblings despite living in the same city for many years and doesn’t even remember when was the last time she met them.

She thinks she is too different from them, doesn’t like the way they are and thinks she might end up getting hurt by the way they talk to her or about her. She says she used to feel depressed in their company and feels it is important to alienate herself from them in order to secure her peace of mind. However, at times she does miss their presence in her life and regrets the way things are between them.

Siblings, if given respect and understanding can become a great source of support, happiness and fulfilment as they share childhood and memories besides being the closest blood relatives. With time many estranged siblings feel that they would consider reconciliation and start afresh without any baggage from the past after apologies. A tense relationship with one’s siblings can be rationally evaluated through solutions to problems instead of cutting off from each other. If not dealt with patiently, and with understanding, love and a sense of forgiveness, the relationship between brothers and sisters can fester lifelong wounds of regret and unhappiness.

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, March 13th, 2016