Dear Auntie, I know I should have written to you earlier but better late than never. I study in eighth grade and am a position holder. My problem is that I don’t have any best friend. Last year I was in another school in a different city where I spent two years. I made great friends there. I even had a best friend. We are still in touch. But I don’t have any best friend here. I have a group of friends but they already have their own best friends. I am simply being used by the girls who are friendless until they find their own friends. I am always left alone.

I have discussed it with my mom but she simply says that this is the way the world is and her favourite line is, “What’s the use of making best friends?” But I know that I need someone who understands. I have tried a lot without success. What should I do? Alone

Dear Friend, It’s a bit difficult to guess exactly why your friendships in your new school are not working out. Your mother’s remark has got Auntie thinking. You may have some deep-seated beliefs such as ‘Friendships are frivolous,’ that are preventing you from making friends. You may have grown up in a household where you didn’t see your parents having too many close friends and where perhaps friends were generally mistrusted. Such beliefs may be colouring your pattern of making friends in this new city.

Now for some introspection. Is your lack of friends making you depressed and mopey? It may be showing on your face and if you look sad, it’s not likely that you will attract too many friends. So be cheerful and think before you open your mouth. If what you are about to say is critical or will upset someone, bite your tongue. You may not realise it but you may be whining too much about your old school or your former city. Stop it.

Similarly don’t judge others and assume that they are snooty or users ‘like everyone else’ before you get to know them. If you want to get somewhere on the social scene, you have to blast this belief.

Also don’t try too hard. Real friends will like the real you and not someone you are pretending to be. That means if you are athletic, you should be proud of it even if the other girls around you are girly. So be yourself, smile frequently and hand out compliments often. These will act like the grease that will oil the wheels of friendship.

Try to strike up a conversation and help out wherever you can. Also remember people’s names and make an effort to be seen. You might try actively participating in organising any mela or school event that may be coming up. Also sit somewhere in the classroom where you will be seen. Finally take the initiative and invite a few friends to your house or meet them someplace outside of school.

Hope this helps.

Dear Auntie Agni, I come with a somewhat common, but severe problem that needs to be solved urgently. I am getting married in two or three months to a person that I love. I have been committed to him for more than six years. But in these six years I got depressed by getting to know more about his mother. His mother is very sweet, but childlike. All she does is complain and make demands. She complains about everything, even the gifts that I send to her family if they are not up to her expectations.

If my sister-in-law reads my personal text from my cell phone’s inbox and conveys the information to her mother, she complains to my fiancé asking why he doesn’t send texts to his siblings and tell them that he loves them too. If he goes out for a drive with me, she complains, asking why he did not take his little brother with him. If he comes to meet me, she tells him not to tell his sister about this as she might get jealous. My fiancé keeps on warning me not to tell his mother that he has sent me a gift.

Whenever I try to talk about this with my husband-to-be, he has only one explanation, “My mother and sister are the jealous-type, so ignore it.”

Should I? Or is there another way of dealing with it? Am I getting too sensitive or is it his mother who has a problem? Depressed Daughter-in-law!

Dear Daughter-in-law, Oh dear! Your fiancé needs to realise that many women, including you, need to be protected. That if he doesn’t stand up for you with his mother, you will eventually lose respect for him. Your fiancé grew up with his mother and ‘knows’ her. He is used to it, but he has to realise that it is incredibly difficult for you to deal with such an overprotective mom.

Ignoring is no way to deal with his mother. If his sister is going through your phone you have to nip this problem in the bud and you have to start now, otherwise it’ll grow. Before you know it you’ll be married and your in-laws may think nothing of snooping through your cupboards or drawers.

Your mother-in-law is generally ill-mannered and rude and the fault lies with her. If your fiancé does not confront his mother regarding this, tell him that he is basically leaving it up to you to tackle her.

You can try to understand why the mother-in-law is behaving this way. Is she like this with everyone or is she like this with you?

Maybe she is insecure about losing her son. But trying to ‘understand’ your mother-in-law is not the same as justifying her behaviour. The best way to deal with these issues is to be upfront and just tell her that you don’t like her remarks about your gifts to her family, the next time it happens. You could also tell your sister-in-law that you don’t appreciate her going through your phone.

There is no way either of them can justify any of this. You will need to muster up a lot of courage, but if you don’t draw the lines right now, you will end up ‘suffering’ your in-laws for life. Nice people have to start standing up for themselves.

Yes, you may be risking your relationship with your fiancé, but if he opposes you at this point, over something which is obviously the fault of his mom and sis, you may want to reconsider your marriage plans.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com