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Smokers’ Corner: In through the outrage

Published Sep 30, 2012 12:00am

Everyone knows how all kinds of Free Masons have been the most prominent reasons behind the many political, economic and social problems that are plaguing Pakistan. I just don’t understand why is there even a debate about this fact?

I humbly suggest that anyone attempting to debate this irrefutable fact should be taken to task at once. Because no real Pakistani can doubt it. It is obvious that anyone doing so is a foreign agent, a heretic, or worse, a Misbahul Haq fan. Misbah doesn’t say ‘fusst of all thanks to God, boys plays well … ’ at the post-match award ceremonies. Liberal fascist!

As we already know that only Muslims are human beings. This is an indisputable fact as well. So, when good Muslims meet non-Muslims, it is their duty to convert the non-Muslims. This way they are actually helping non-Muslims to become human beings from the cannibalistic Neanderthals that they really are. If they convert, well and good; if not, then they should be taken to task at once. Or better still, set on fire.

The facts and figures of what I have just reiterated are there for all to see. According to a survey conducted by the Peruvian Sofa Makers Union, most Pakistanis believe that Altaf Hussain is a Misbah fan. And that 97 per cent of the world’s population would like to see Imran Khan become the king of the whole wide world.

Anyone wondering why a Peruvian sofa makers’ union would be holding a political survey on Pakistan is, of course, a cannibal. He too should be set on fire; or better still, forced to go on a strict Hindu vegetarian diet. Yuck!

There is nothing so secretive or hidden anymore about the fact that Pakistan is being destabilised by forces that have always been its sworn enemies.

Our enemies, the Christians, the Hindus and Angelina Jolie, have gotten the American Congress to sanction $700 billion for hiring secret agents, suicide bombers and for installing CD shops that sell vulgar films in our markets and to our cinemas.

It is these CD shops and cinemas that will eventually compromise our nuclear assets. They should all be burned down on Fridays. For the sake and name of love.

Anyone ridiculing this is obviously a non-Muslim and should be converted. The conversion should preferably be performed by one of the greatest scholars that the Muslim world has ever produced in the last one hundred years: Maya Khan.

If the non-Muslim still refuses to be converted, he should then be made to listen to Aamir Liaquat talk about the birds and the bees. The non-Muslim is then bound to shoot himself.

I implore the government to speak the truth. Why isn’t it telling us who all these suicide bombers really are? I’ll tell you. They are not Muslims. They are uncircumcised men hired by Om Puri from assorted pagan Central African tribes, especially the cannibalistic Zulu clan. I know this because I heard it from the horse’s mouth. And a fine horse it was, winner of various international Derby races. To quote him, verbatim, it said: “Eeeheeeheeeheeeheee!”

Some people might mislead you by suggesting that the horse was most probably just asking for some grass to eat, but that’s not true.

The truth is it wasn’t a horse at all. It was a unicorn and unicorns always hee-haw about profound things. Those claiming that unicorns do not exist are, of course, agents of the one-eyed dajaal having secret meetings in room number 34 of a posh hotel in Islamabad with American Free Masons. Sangsar Abbasi saw this with his own two outer eyes and an inner one.

Such Free Masons should be bombed because it’s okay to bomb non-humans. However, the humans (Muslims), who might also die in such an attack, need not worry. Along with the bomber they too will go to heaven. This is called collateral martyrdom.

A few days ago, I was fortunate enough to have a conversation with one of Pakistan’s leading political analysts, Maria B. She told me that the real reason behind the economic collapse that the country is facing is ball-tampering.

You see, the West makes cricket balls of dog leather and expects our cricketers to play with them. This is an insult. How can a team full of renowned and devout intellectuals such as Shahid Khan Afridi, ever play with such balls?

So, when they try to bite off the leather, they are accused by the Western media of ball-tampering.

This then upsets the sentiments of charismatic Chechen tribal leaders such as Hamid Bull who start trading gola barood (milk & honey), instead of treading cotton and wheat and this eventually hurts the country’s economy. It’s as simple as that.

Now something about the Balochistan situation. Just as the government is constantly lying about the situation in the North, it is lying about the crisis in Balochistan as well. Everybody knows that Balochistan has already become an independent republic run by Gog and Magog.

I just don’t understand why nobody has noticed such an obvious thing. The Gog & Magog, armed with CD shops, are being funded by renowned Hindu fundamentalist, Mahesh Bhatt, who has also infiltrated sensitive Pakistani institutions like the Karachi Literature Festival (KLF).

According to famous nuclear scientist, Sahir Lodhi, this can compromise our nuclear programme because the government has allowed the KLF people to hold next year’s festival at the Kahuta Nuclear Plant. They even plan to rename the event as the Kahuta Fission Festival. This is an outrage.

We, as a nation of 18.2 zillion Muslims and a few Hindu, Zoroastrian, Liberal and Christian traitors, should get behind real patriots. We should support famous astronauts like Hafiz Saeed (the first man to walk on Khyber Pakhtunkhwa’s Eid moon), and brave bounty hunters like Ghulam Ahmad Bilour. We should support their revolutionary efforts to turn Pakistan into a proud pious state headed by great philosophers like Sheikh Rasheed Ahmed.

Until and unless we face these facts and are  prepared to bomb all CD shops, burn down the cinemas and loot ATMs, Pakistan will remain to be a corrupt country full of bars, nightclubs, bikini-wearing women, and gay pride parades!

We should help put a stop to such activities that are so rampant in Pakistan. What do you mean you can’t see any nightclubs, gay parades or bikini-clad women in Pakistan? Use your inner eye, fool.