Ghairat is a hybrid vegetable/fruit that is becoming popular among middle-class health food fanatics.

The medical benefits of ghairat have been known since ancient times. The Neanderthals are known to have used it to treat everything from general boredom to ideological indigestion.

In his book, ‘Ghairat: The Natural Secret for a Vigorous Jaw & a Full Fat Beard', Hakeem Aamir Liaquat states that Ghairat has been used as a medicine in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Babylon, Gujranwala and Planet Zion for at least 14 million years. His proof: Zaid Wamid's books. And Zaid Wamid's proof: ‘Star Wars III: Return of the Jedi.’

Today, scientific research in Pakistan is providing hard evidence for the health benefits long associated with ghairat. For example, in 2007 the Journal of the National Institute of Manic-Depression published the results of an epidemiological study indicating that the regular intake of Ghairat reduced the risk of intelligence in men and women by nearly 80 per cent.

Also, researchers at the University of Waziristan in Sweden recently concluded that Ghairat inhibits and impedes the growth of brain cells, thus greatly reducing the chances of rational thought that might lead to deadly diseases such as Common Sense.

Researchers warn that diseases such as Common Sense may make you start looking and sounding like a navel-gazing intellectual, when, instead, one should always look like Atlas-e-Hind, Gen. (Rtd.) Hameed Bull.

New evidence is emerging that Ghairat can also help dieters. The Punjab Journal of Nutrition & Schizophrenia published the results of a study at Lahore’s prestigious National University of Managerial & Botanical Sciences (NUMBS), in which researchers suggest that men who were given a combined extract of caffeinated rhetoric mixed with Ghairat burned more brain cells and calories than those who were given a harmful amphetamine called Democraffeine.

The study said that Democraffeine led to an unhealthy medical condition called Khapay-ache — a hyper compulsive-obsessive disorder in which the patient keeps saying ‘Khapay, khapay, khapay’ over and over again.

The remedy for Khapay-ache is only available in select hospitals of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Dubai; whereas the consumption of Ghairat led to a more healthier and robust condition called the Jamat-i-Islami.

Jamat-i-Islami is a robust state of mind and body that can be enjoyed during ‘Go America Go’ male-only marathons that are run from the Republic of Mansura to the city of Lal-Masjidabad that replaced Islamabad as Pakistan’s capital when Islamabad was destroyed in the 2005 earthquake due to the wrath of God brought upon by sin, debauchery and blasphemy practiced by the people of Kashmir, Karachi and Toba Tek Singh.

What’s more, a small bacterial compound in Ghairat called Imran-Khanium, can help slow down ageing and lead to an accelerated growth of facial hair (under the skin), and better prostrate performance. This compound can also kill the harmful bacteria that causes lethargic medical illnesses like Reason and Logic.

Ghairat also contains a naturally-produced laxative called Sheeda Tully. Sheeda Tully guarantees long, fast-flowing tirades and regular on-screen flatulence, breaking the wind out of an airy-fairy neurotic state called Liberalism.

Ghairat, if eaten with Swiss rolls by judges, can cure judicial constipation as well usually brought upon by assorted Zardari-vascular ailments.

Chemicals in Ghairat like LeJ, TTP and JuD break down useless tissue such as NFP thus making hearty reactionary compounds more digestible. Furthermore, these chemicals along with enzymes like TalkShowoxide help protect brain tissues from unwanted bacterial infections such as Objectivity and Sanity.

These are but only a few medicinal benefits of Ghairat. For a more expert and detailed list of these benefits, I recommend the famous book, 'Better Bowl Movement through Ghairat' by the renowned Greek homeopath and soft-spoken morality crusader, Sangsar Abbasi (MBBS/LLB/DDT).