Hey Auntie,

I am 28 years old and married for five years. I am really confused and can’t focus on my life properly. My husband has a problem with anxiety, but doesn’t want to be treated. I am frustrated due to this. He gets so furious and I don’t know the reason.

We tried to sort it out several times by discussion but it was all in vain. For a short time the matter seemed resolved but soon it appeared again. Secondly my mother-in-law is so dominating and demanding that I can’t even replace a table mat without her permission. She treats my husband as he if is two years old. She always dictates to him. We don’t have a life of our own and we are always with her or her relatives. I really want to get out of this. My husband doesn’t like it either. Maybe this is the reason for his anxiety and depression. Please help.

Depressed

Dear Independent,

Yes, I do think your husband’s anxiety problems stem from your mother-in-law’s controlling ways; however, if he is not willing to seek professional help, maybe you can go see a therapist and discuss and receive advice on his mental issues.

Given your situation I think you need to stop working yourself up about your husband and ma-in-law and give yourself some priority here, especially because if you become too vocal about your ma-in-law’s controlling ways you risk alienating your husband and putting your marriage in jeopardy. So a little tact is required here… as is a little selfishness.

Yes girl, you need to go out and a build a life outside of your marriage. I know it’s not the done thing, but it’s the only way you can stop yourself from developing uncontrollable anxiety that your husband is suffering from. Ideally you should aim to find a job, but if that doesn’t look like an option, find a hobby or simply reconnect with your friends.

Show everyone, including the ma-in-law that you are independent and she can stay home and decide the colour of the table mats while you build a life that you enjoy. If your needs are being neglected by your husband, you are absolutely entitled to find suitable sustenance in the outside world.

To save yourself from the drudgery of yet another family dinner, put your foot down (but please refrain from going ballistic). Be firm and say to the hubby or ma-in-law, ‘I can miss this dinner because I have to meet a friend/ go see my mom’. Get them used to the new assertive you without making a big deal of it. The only way to make this work is to stick by your other plan even if the hubby or the ma-in-law makes you feel guilty.

This might help your husband see the light and he may start to work on becoming more independent himself. He may also realise that you cannot be a mama’s boy and a decent husband, because that just doesn’t happen on the earth plane.

And here’s where Auntie will stop her speculation about what course your marriage will take and leave you to it.

Dear Madam,

Please, please help me out. My best friend is leaving me soon. I just can’t understand what to do. I don’t want to leave her, but then I can’t do anything. She’s not only my best friend, but she means a lot to me. Now when I am so much attached to her, she’s leaving this country soon to settle in her new life. I’ll miss her like anything. We had the frankest conversation ever. She is the person with whom I can share any sort of matter without thinking about it. I can completely understand that life gets tough after marriage, but then how would I spend time without her. I keep thinking about all the time we spent together. I am emotionally attached to her. I keep thinking: Everything changes after marriage so will she also forget me.

Please help me out. I just don’t want to leave my only closest attached friend, (FSSF), Friend Sister Senior Friend.

Emotionally attached

Dear Emotional,

Your emotional attachment to people indicates that you are a loving person who can love and value someone else. Meaningful relationships are built on such foundations. What is important to remember is not to limit this loving and caring that you have within to just one person.

You have to understand that no one — mom, dad, bff, bro, sis, dog — can ever fulfil all your emotional needs. Remind yourself of this the next time it looks like you are getting too attached to someone.

You see the thing about life is that things change. Just as right now your friend is about to embark on a new life, pretty soon you might have to move away from the people you are attached to and the only way to curb the urge to get attached to the next person that walks into your life is to always be cultivating other people and other interests that fulfil you. It may be hard in the beginning but you would have to make a conscious effort to do so. So invite another friend over to hang with you at the mall, work a bit on the career you want for yourself, join an exercise class on your own and make new friends there. In fact you can start now when your friend is still here, just to reinforce that you are not dependent on just one person to give you what you want.

Also being independent with serious interests will also make you a more interesting and intriguing person.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com