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Smokers’ Corner: A tale of two festivals

February 25, 2012

On February 12, 2012, two high profile literary events graced Karachi. One was the Karachi Levitation Festival (KLF) and the other, Difa-e-Difa or Defence of Defence Festival (DDF).

As Karachi’s pompous lot drove down to the luxurious 9-star hotel, ‘Burj Al Second Hand Arab,’ for the KLF, the more genuine intellectuals, artistes and audiences of Karachi preferred to attend the DDF — a truly stimulating and enriching literary affair organised by the famous scholarly outfit the ‘I As I’.

Quite clearly the KLF was organised to offset and distract lovers of books and the arts from attending the DDF, but whereas the KLF could only attract 10 to 15 thousand people, the DDF went on to entertain over two million Karachiites. Since the haughty KLF was funded by the Oxford Imperialist Press (OIP) and the British Tea Council, it was expected that these two forces of neo-western-colonialism, neo-nudism and neo-neoism would pour trillions of pounds and dollars to upstage the more authentic, indigenous DDF.

What’s more, KLF also managed to hijack the famous non-Pakistani Pakistani patriot of Pakistan ideology and of Pakistan military mess-hall cooking skills, Anakin Lieven Skywalker, the celebrated author of ‘Pakistan: A Walnut Country’. Anakin’s book that correctly predicts Pakistan to become the next Brunei Darrulslam, or a country that will be rich in milk, honey and oil (olive), and packed with some very handsome looking military men, was originally invited by the ‘I As I’ to speak about his book at the DDF. But he was picked up by KLF agents (led by the notorious muscle-lady of the Bahawalpur Liberation League, etc.). He was then tortured and forced to attend the KLF.

But this did not prevent the DDF to completely outshine the KLF. Held near the mausoleum of Jinnah — the founder of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan Army and of some very beautiful looking madressahs — a number of brilliant intellectuals, poets, writers and artists were invited to the DDF. Speakers at the DDF included famous poet and TV personality, Shaikh R. Tullyvision, who dazzled the audiences with his vintage cigar collection and insisted that cigar smoking should be made compulsory for all Pakistani men (above the age of 10) because Jinnah smoked cigars too. Later on he recited his latest poem, ‘Pakistan ka waqar, difa-e-cigar, difa-e-cigar.’

Another popular session at the DDF was of renowned painter and sculptor, Ejazulzul Haqqi, who unveiled his newest masterpiece, a 50-foot statue of famous Arab warrior and philosopher king, Zia bin Qasim. Ejazulzul also demonstrated a striking example of modern art when, after artistically sculpting an effigy which he named ‘A Hindu’, he set it on fire, shouting ‘India namanzoor, namanzoor!’

Critics hailed this stunning display as being perhaps the most artistic and intellectually rich expression of high art in the history of Yemen. However, DDF’s most attended and packed sessions were of Hamid Red Bull and Hafiz Green Seed.

Bull — a charismatic and celebrated scholar of 8th century Arab pottery and 17th century Afghan carpets — spoke at length about the intellectual prowess of war (on India) and importance of hate speech (against India and the US) which, Bull explained, was actually love speech for the Muslim ummah and for the coming intellectual caliphate that will chop heads of liberal fascists who can’t recite the moving poetry of famous Pakistani poet, thinker, red cap fashionista and potential conqueror of India, Alama Zaid Hamid Hijazi.

The most astounding session however was the one held by the larger-than-life literati, Hafiz Green Seed. Seed just sat there, quietly and thoughtfully fondling his beard as bright white light of spiritual knowledge radiated from his fiery, brilliant eyes and engulfed the stunned audiences until someone finally shouted, ‘will someone please fix the stupid tube light flickering over Seed sahib’s head?’

Seed silently looked up at the flickering tube light and then all of a sudden, he was on it like a tiger hunting down a neon deer. He chewed the tube light whole and then spat the pieces out onto the crowd, shaking violently and shouting: ‘Love, love, love, all we mean is love, love, love, love …”

It was high art and deep philosophy at its finest, most appreciated by Ijaz Chaudhry, the literary agent of caliph-in-waiting and Islamic Welfare Philosopher Pop King, Jimran Khan.

As such amazing intellectual, scholarly and artistic fireworks were going off at the DDF; peoples’ minds were being numbed and dumbed at the KLF. Hindu agent, Vikram Ram Raj Seth, the author of ‘A Disputable Boy,’ and aging Deepak Chopra groupie, Shoba Date, tried to brainwash impressionable young (Muslim) Pakistanis with Hindu fundamentalist rubbish, as British-Pakistani author (and MI-5 assassin), Hanif Crashie, couldn’t attract the audience with his latest lyrics for Kashmiri-British rap song ‘Buddha of Mirpur Surbarbia, Hein Jee!’. Nobody was impressed by his Tupac-meets-Govinda haircut either.

Also present at the dull but diabolic festival were Declan Wash, the Pakistan correspondent of the ‘New Zionist Times;’ Lord William Dyedimple, a 207-year-old remnant of the British Raj; Dr Parvez Badbhoy, a silly believer of the Jewish holocaust fairytales; Mir Hanif Jaffar, the author of the blasphemous ‘A Case of Exploding Martyrs’, and many more scoundrels.

I hope in the interest of the intellectual well-being of the (Muslim) citizens of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan Army that events like KLF (along with Shezan juices) should be banned and events like DDF should be held on a weekly basis. Care to disagree? Traitor!