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August 18, 2011

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PTI supporter accuses Imran for his hemorrhoids.

ISLAMABAD, August 16: A supporter of Imran Khan’s Pakistan Thereek-i-Insaaf (PTI) has accused Imran for the flaring up of his hemorrhoids (piles) problem. Talking to the media, Anjum Ahmed, a 22-year-old student of LUMS in Lahore, said that he has taken part in almost all protest sit-ins (dharnas) called by Khan.

“All that sitting for hours has given me a bad case of piles,” Anjum complained. He warned that if Khan continues to call these long sit-ins, very few of his supporters would be able to vote for him in the next elections because by then almost all of them would be suffering from painful hemorrhoids.

Anjum claimed that though he is now unable to sit or walk without feeling pain, he is still a PTI supporter. However, he appealed to Imran to stop urging his supporters to get off their backsides in their drawing rooms only to come out and place their backsides on pavements and streets.

He also asked PTI to distribute cushions during the sit-ins.

Responding to Mr. Anjum’s claims, PTI leader, Dr. Shireen Mazari, said that it was sad that PTI supporters like Anjum are shying away from pain.

“Revolutions require sacrifices,” she said. “I’ve been sitting for years for this moment, so much so that I have now evolved into becoming a human cushion myself,” explained Mazari, proudly adding that her leader, Imran Khan, once mistook her for being a sofa.

When some media men raised Anjum’s case with Imran, the charismatic PTI chairman sympathised with all those young PTI supporters suffering from piles but said the sit-ins will continue. He did add that he has asked a leading supporter of his, Dr. Alvi, to instruct PTI supporters to sit in a way that would avoid giving them piles. When some reporters reminded him that Dr. Alvi was actually a dentist, Imran said, “For PTI he (Alvi) is ready to give up dentistry and become a Sufi yoga instructor.”

When media men approached Dr. Alvi, they found him sitting with his eyes closed in a meditative pose. He claimed his body was 5.1 centimeters above the ground. Just as the reporters were trying to substantiate Dr. Alvi’s claims, Ms. Mazari was heard screaming at a local reporter. She accused him of attempting to assault her. The bewildered reporter was heard mumbling: “But I thought I was sitting on a sofa … I swear it was a sofa. It .. it .. just came alive!”

The reporter was later handed over to ISI offices in Abpara.

JI chief criticises Sharif’s Aug 14 speech: Accuses him of speaking in Hindi instead of Urdu.

LAHORE, August 15: Chief of the Jamat-i-Islami (JI), Dr. Munawar Hassan, has come down hard on PML-N leader, Nawaz Sharif’s August 14 speech in Lahore in which he advised Pakistanis to end its nuclear arms race with India.

Dr. Munwar also accused Sharif of speaking in Hindi instead of Urdu. He said: “At a time when Pakistani Muslims are becoming fluent in Arabic, of which Urdu is an extension, Nawaz Sharif is promoting Hindi.”

When asked by this correspondent to give an example of what he was accusing Sharif for, the JI chief said that Nawaz, by asking to promote trade between India and Pakistan, was talking the language of a Hindu baniya. “Pakistani traders trade on camels, not on cows,” Munawar added.

Munawar’s accusations were also echoed by some other leading Pakistani personalities.

World famous defence and military strategist and handsome homespun Aryan-Arab super model, Zaid Hamid, accused Sharif of being on the payroll of Hindu Brahmin businessmen who, Zaid claims, have infiltrated the Lahore Stock Exchange.

Talking to this correspondent on the phone from his lavish bunker strategically situated under a traffic signal in Abpara, Islamabad, Zaid said: “Nawaz Sharif is a traitor! By asking us to reconcile with India he is compromising my strategy to invade Hindustan. I will never let that happen. Muhammad Bin Qasim did not create Pakistan for sissies. He created it so that the Muslims of the subcontinent could go to war with the Hindus.”

When reminded by this correspondent that Pakistan was created by Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Zaid responded by saying that this perception is a Lithuanian conspiracy to make people think that Pakistan was created by a man who wore suits, smoked a cigar, loved his pet poodles and applied Brylcreem on his hair.

“Jinnah did not exist,” explained Zaid. “He is just a huge painting in the National Assembly and a face on Rs.500 currency notes. General Muhammad Bin Qasim was the real founder of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Any camel can vouch for that,” he added.

Sharif’s speech also came under fire from some TV talk-show hosts. Madam Bokhari of a local private TV channel said something which only she could understand, while Javed Chaddie of another famous TV channel quoted Gandhi as saying: “Muslims are vegetables , that’s why I am a vegetarian. I like them boiled.”

Chaddie asked how Sharif can talk about peace with India when India’s founder, Gandhi, wanted to boil the Muslims of the subcontinent.

When asked where he got this Gandhi quote from, Chaddie said, “Madamn Bokhari told him, who was told by Zaid Hamid, who was told by Munawar Hassan, who was told by an old camel, whose great-great-great-great grandcamel was part of Muhammad Bin Qasim’s army that invaded Sindh in 8th century AD.”

According to PML-N chief Mian Nawaz Sharif, he will not apologise for his India-friendly speech. He said the criticism against his speech is being orchestrated by President Asif Ali Zardari. “It’s all Zardari’s doing,” Mian Sahib explained. “You can ask my Law Minister Rana Sanaullah for details.”

When this correspondent attempted to contact Sanaullah, he informed me that he was in a meeting with the chief of the Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT) – the extremist organisation who wants to wipe India off the face of the earth.

Aamir Liaquat alleges ‘abusive video’ is a fake, says Steven Spielberg behind the making of the video.

KARACHI, August 15: Renowned Islamic scholar, Dr. Aamir Liaquat (MBBS, PHd, LLB, KFC), held an emergency press conference at the Karachi Press Club yesterday.

During the press conference, Liaquat claimed that the ‘behind the scenes’ video leaked on YouTube on August 14 in which he is shown abusing and cursing his TV show’s guests and callers was a sophisticated fake.

He alleged that everything in the video, the images and the sounds, were created with the help of the latest CG animation technology that is only available in the United States.

Liaquat added: “This video was financed by a section of Pakistani liberals, secularists and (thus) atheists who wanted to strike out the blasphemy laws from the constitution. My sources tell me that they contacted some well known Jew film directors in Hollywood out of which Steven Spielberg agreed to do the video.”

Wiping tears from his eyes, Liaquat informed the journalists that he was shocked that some of his fellow Pakistanis would stoop so low as to discredit a man who has been working day and night to promote Allah’s love and laws.

Mr. Aamir also informed the gathering that Steven Spielberg was not only an Islam-hating Jew, but was now thinking of converting to the Ahmadiyya faith.

“Do you see the connection now?” Liaquat asked. “Well, do you … you b*****ds?”

When some journalists asked him why he was using abusive language against them, he denied it by saying that what he just said was also part of a conspiracy against him: “I didn’t say that. Some kind of sinister technology is being used by the Jews and Ahmadis in Hollywood to send powerful signals in my pure mind that is making me say certain questionable things.”

He added: “How can I, the man, who told you that the green soles of the shoes worn by Pakistani cricketers was causing their defeat, or that getting an injection while fasting will break your fast can say irrational things, right?”

Liaquat insisted that he has never in his life said even a single abusive word: “All those dirty Urdu gaalies (abuses) that you hear in the fake video, I didn’t know that they even existed. They sounded like Hebrew. Do you see the connection now? You ungrateful pigs!”

When some journalists again protested against Liaquat’s language, he broke into a naat. His colleagues then distributed prayer caps (to the men) and dupattas/hijabs to the women.

“These are symbols of my commitment to promote the great religion of Islam,” he said. “My mission is to promote peace, love, harmony and death to blasphemers!”

In conclusion, he appealed to his fans to boycott Hollywood films, YouTube, green-soled shoes, adding: “And anyone who does not use Meezan Cooking Oil is a f*****g dog!”

Birkin Bag designer to introduce Anna bags.

NEW DELHI, August 15: Jean-Louis Dumas, the designer of famous and expensive Birkin handbags announced that he is about to launch an inexpensive but spiritually rich handbag inspired by and named after Indian anti-corruption crusader, Anna Hazare.

Talking to India’s NDTV, Dumas said: “Birkin was named after British film actress, Jane Birkin, and is very decadent and expensive. But my Anna bags would be the opposite.”

Made with inexpensive homespun Gandhian cloth, Anna bags are designed in such a way that they would not be able to hold any money, jewelry, mobile-phones, make-up kits, etc.

Dumas claims that the Anna bag will only accept middle-class morality, certain vegetables (especially cabbage), false teeth, the Nehru cap and the spirit of Vishnu. The bag will also come with a protective casing made with iron bars – the sort used in jails – and skin of alligators that had perished in Somalia due to starvation.

“I am really impressed by what I hear Anna is doing,” Dumas told NDTV. “She must be a really dynamic woman!”

This statement shocked the animated NDTV reporter who told Dumas that Anna was a man and not a woman.

Stunned by the revelation, Dumas went quiet for a while: “Really? Errm …Well, the kind of a bag I am planning to make can also be used as a man’s underwear, y’know. It’s a spiritual thing.”

 

—Photo illustrations by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.