Hi Amma,

I am a 45-year-old widower with three kids. I am very respected in my circle and have high religious values. I have performed Haj once and Umra twice. My wife died five years ago and since then I have completely devoted my life to raising my children in the best possible way. The idea of a second marriage never crossed my mind though there have been many proposals as I am still good-looking, smart and financially well-settled. In the past five years I have never had any physical relationship with anyone.

About 10 months ago I met a girl online who is from an average middle class family with conservative values and we started chatting regularly. Over the last three months our discussions suddenly shifted to intimate topics and in no time we became intimate in the virtual world.

Now I am mentally disturbed by what I am doing as it is very wrong especially when this girl is half my age. But at the same time I am unable to stop myself. She also gets angry when I suggest we should stop this. The girl is very clear that what we are doing is only a way of satisfying our needs and in normal life she is a regular middle class girl who does not even go out of home alone. And she is also very clear about the status of our relation that though obviously love and attachment is there, there is no question of marriage and she will marry wherever her family decides.

Please tell me what should I do?

Guilty

Dear In-denial,

Given that the two of you are consenting adults Auntie really doesn’t understand where your guilt is coming from. Is it that on the one hand you are a well-respected figure while on the other you have this private life on the side? In which case all I can say is that what one does in the privacy of one’s home is really of no concern to others, unless it is actively harming someone else. First of all please realise that you have very valid needs and that the world is a better place because you have found a relatively safe outlet for them. It’s when we deny ourselves what is natural, that we turn into frustrated and bitter people who are bent on taking revenge on the big bad world.

However, I can sense that you are getting emotionally involved here and are hoping for something more from this relationship. You won’t find it with this girl. She’s made it clear to you that she is a young woman with her whole life in front of her and she is not ready to play mother to your three children. That’s something you really cannot hold against her.

Now’s the time to harden your heart and put a stop to it — despite her protestations —and spread the word in your circle that you are looking for a spouse.

Dear Auntie Agni,

I am an 18-years-old boy with an epic problem. Last year my parents forced me to marry (nikah) a 28-year-old orphan cousin of mine. I come from a very narrow-minded family so I see no way out of this, I can’t even look at girls or ask for their numbers like all of my friends do because technically I am a married man. My wife is not going to move in with us until I get a stable job which will be in another six to eight years. I don’t want to end up with a wrinkled old wife. None of my friends know about this and I really feel bad about all this. Please suggest a way out of it.

Married

Dear 18-year-old,

I think you already know what the only way out of the situation is. That is, if you really truly want to get out of this. In your case Auntie is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and not reprimand you on why you agreed to the marriage — at 18 it’s easy to get bogged and not think straight when all your relatives get on your back. It’s been said before and I’ll say it again, never marry someone because you or your family feels sorry for them. Marriage is not charity. And you are almost always better off tying the knot with someone who is likeminded, which I feel is not the case in your situation.

You have two paths in front of you. You can make the best of the situation, get to know your spouse and go ahead with the rukhsati. Keep an open mind. Who knows, just because your wife is older, does not necessarily mean she’ll be boring or will make a wrinkled bride aged 36.

The other path is the one that is telling you to follow your gut and find a way out. Do it only if you are strong enough. And you’ve got to be very, very strong for this. Divorcing your cousin could mean that your clan stops meeting you and holds a grudge against you for life. It could also mean that you’ll still be happy with your decision even if you may never find ‘The One.’ In divorcing your cousin that should be the least of your concerns. If you divorce you will be doing it solely to end a situation which is unfair to you, which isn’t allowing you to function like a normal 18-year-old and which has been forced upon you against your wishes.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com