It’s August and to celebrate this august month every year, the state releases (along with a lot of wind) the much-awaited Almanac Cliftonia as its annual gift to the denizens of this glorious land. This year’s edition is a veritable treasure trove of information on anything and everything about the Republic of Cliftonia: the land, the culture, the people and their immigration lawyers.
Edited, as always, by the inimitable Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi, the book comes armed with its usual disclaimer — “While much of the factual information in this document is suspect, all of the disinformation contained herein is 100 percent accurate” — lest some radical leftists try and make an issue of its contents in a court of law.
We are proud to share some excerpts below:
From khaki-clad lawmakers to broccoli-hating children, the latest edition of Almanac Cliftonia leaves no stone unturned, unless that stone might incriminate someone important…
The Political System of Cliftonia
• Cliftonia’s democratically authoritarian system has been designed to be as delicate as a populist politician’s nether regions. Yet, at the same time, it is robust enough to be shaped into any form, as required by the powers-that-be.
• Its hybrid make-up is capable of running on both this and that, with this being a suspended constitution and that being an amended one.
The Politicians of Cliftonia
• 100 percent of all politicians describe themselves as babydoll patriots.
• 93.5 percent of all politicians sport gelled moustaches.
• 98.463 percent of all politicians boast family members with foreign passports.
• 53.8 percent of all politicians buy their siri paye from the food halls at Harrods.
• 73.5 percent of all politicians wear navy blue waistcoats as part of their official attire.
• There are upwards of 12,000 varieties of politicians roaming the corridors of power. Research shows that a vast majority of them are politicians from the backside, with both their father’s backside and their grandfather’s backside being politically active.
• 63.5 percent of all politicians are heavily into martial arts, with half describing themselves as keen practitioners during the ‘70s, when everyone was kung fu fighting.
• 83.67 percent of all politicians prefer wearing khakis over muftis in parliament.
The People of Cliftonia
• 99.30 percent of all Cliftonian patriots belong to the corporate world.
• 99.89 percent of these Cliftonians cannot wait to privatise their families for the sake of their country.
• 43.5 percent are willing to offer their families “golden handshakes”, if the families agree not to merge with and/or acquire their direct competitors, namely other WhatsApp uncles with equally questionable moral standards.
• Only 3.5 percent of all Cliftonians like to wear plaid socks on Wednesdays.
• 99.99 percent of all Cliftonians genuinely believe that they are well-versed in every topic under the sun.
• 99.9 percent of these Cliftonians unhesitatingly display that belief at every social gathering.
• Seven out of nine Cliftonian men miss no opportunity to play golf in Scotland, so they can walk in the footsteps of their hero and inspiration, Doland J Dot Trump.
• 4.75 percent of all Cliftonians pursue fine arts as a profession. Like dentists and accountants, this group also likes to describe what it does now as practice. Or so we are told.
• 37.95 percent of all Cliftonians are mothers.
• Two-thirds of all Cliftonians average only four-thirds of sleep a night.
• 91 percent of all Cliftonian parents bemoan their children’s lack of street smart, which they themselves displayed in great abundance while being chauffeured to their elite, private schools.
• 65 percent of all Cliftonian men wear peach chinos to weekend brunches.
• 93.674 percent of all Cliftonians keep pets. They also keep domestic staff.
• A large majority of Cliftonians insist on moving their bowels at least once every three days.
Food in Cliftonia
• There are currently 637,456 organic restaurants in Cliftonia, which serve a wide variety of organs.
• Many Cliftonians only eat in the morning, right before going to bed.
• Indigenous vegetables are considered a travesty in most Cliftonian homes, unless cooked with a blowtorch.
• There are over 7,648 ice cream parlours in the Lake Geneve district of Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, which has a total population of 234 beautifully coiffed people.
• Chunky Monkey is the favourite ice cream flavour of Cliftonian National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr.
• Broccoli is shunned like a pariah by Cliftonian children, unless served with cold, hard cash.
• The steaks are very high in Cliftonia.
• Over the past 12 months, turkey nihari — served with a slightly toasted sheermal-baguette — has become Cliftonia’s favourite breakfast dish.
The Animals of Cliftonia
• Due to its prickly demeanour, the albino hedgehog is no longer Cliftonia’s national animal.
• It has been replaced by the Flatulent Orange Orangutan, commonly found on the outskirts of upper Zamzama.
• This animal is known for its macho, bigoted disposition and is a favourite among Cliftonian menfolk.
• Earlier this year, 2.75 million Cliftonian men signed a special petition nominating him for the animal kingdom’s highest peace prize.
• Last week, the Republic’s parliament passed an unprecedented amendment, guaranteeing nine lives for each Cliftonian cat unless, of course, the cat has been found indulging in anti-state cativities.
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, August 10th, 2025
