You tau know me. I’m not the rona dhona type. All my life, I’ve been marry and gay. I mean, life is for enjoying, no? Because once you’re dead, all partying shartying stops like an AC without gas.

So, unlike Janoo who’s always reading articles and watching news and wining and moaning about sad bad things all over the world, I tau have always believed kay if you want a happy life you must live by this motor: ziyada think na karo and ziyada feel na karo. Bus!

But recently, you know, my motor has begun to let me down. Just like people slip into a comma without knowing, I’m slipping into a depression. But unlike the comma-slippers I know why I’ve gone into depression. Every time I switch on the TV, or I go into Insta or Facebook, all I see are pictures of the tabahi in Gaza.

The dead babies. The dazed children. The wailing mothers. The bodies. And honestly, I can’t sleep at night. Also, I am aag bagola inside. Aagay peechhay tau our ears pukko hearing about the great ummah this and the ummah that, but where is the ummah now? On holiday?

If it’s not all the sad bad news in the world, it’s smock, grizzly bears and white supremacy looks

And just look at the Americans! And their chaprraasis, the Brits. Supporting Israel like it was their mai baap. Tomorrow, America is going to jump into the Ravi, Britain will do copy. Honestly, I feel like giving two tights slaps to that budda baba Biden. Bhai, think of your aakhrat. You have two legs dandling in the grave. With what face will you go to Allah Mian, haan?

I swear, better than him was that hochha Trump with his fake tan and his fake news and his fake election victory and his big yellow blow dry. I hope so he comes back in the next election and gives danda to Biden and makes America the laughing stop of the whole world. Barray aaye democracy waalay, barray aaye human rights waalay. Lecturing us day and night and then helping Israel to kill children. What cheeks!

My friend Baby, her son is at a college in America called You Pen, which is like mini Israel. Ever since they started bombing Gaza, tub say they have band anyone from saying anything that is even this much on side of Palestinians. Even if you say you feel bad about the dead children, you are an enemy of Israel and America and you are anti-Jewish and you are a traitor.

And also you won’t get a job and you won’t get the prize you were denominated for, and you won’t get financial aid and you will get lots of hate mail and threats and what all. So Baby’s son who goes there and is called Ibrahim, he made the mistake of posting a picture of Gaza. He got into so much of trouble kay he has changed his name to Abraham and which she says is a name Jews like and he has zipped his mouth. ‘Kyoon kay survive karna hai bhai,’ she said to me.

Last night, we were at a dinner at Baby’s and conversation turned to election — which like anti-pollution law we don’t know will ever going to happen or not — and Tony said, who do you think is going to win the election?

‘Nawaz obviously,’ snorted Akbar.

‘If it was fair and free, You Know Who would win hands down,’ said Mulloo.

And Janoo said, ‘The same candidate will win that won as last time. The one that wins every time.’ And everyone nodded and sighed.

I wanted to ask him who he meant but then Sunny asked if I was coming to her lunch tomorrow and I said, ‘Tomorrow I think so I’ll go camping.’

‘Really?’ said Mulloo, with a sarrhial sa smile. ‘You? You’re going camping? You tau can’t even sleep without a Moltyfoam ka super delux gadda and you’re going camping?’

‘Yes Mulloo,’ I said, with a noble sa smile, ‘I am.’

‘Where?’ she asked.

‘In my oxygen tent. This smock is very bad for my delicate khandani lungs. They’re not like other people’s, you see.’

So she said, ‘In that case, you should just hypernate in winters.’

‘I can’t Mulloo,’ I said, ‘because, unlike you, I’m not a grizzly bear.’

So she snarled and growled at me like the grizzly that she is, but I damn cared. Maybe I’m coming

out of my depression. Because main ne zara feel nahin kiya…

Talking of white, my friend Tara, she was in same class as me at Convent of Jesus and Mary, she used to sit two rows behind me. Anyways, Tara has decided to go white. Not white as in Michael Jackson white, but white like Modi, meaning kay she’s decided to be out and proud with her white hairs. Thanks God she’s still threading and all and hasn’t allowed her beard to grow long and white also, but apart from that she has totally embraced the Santa Claws look.

Obviously me and Sunny, who were both in same class as her, are very upset, because least she could have done was warn us before outing us also. Now, despite of our blonde Mummy looks, everyone is going to think that we are also her age. And I’m sorry but I’m just not ready for the white supremacy look yet.

Anyways, so now me and Sunny, whenever someone asks us about her we tell them kay she is five years older than us and bechari she failed five times at school and ended up in our class. I mean, each woman for her own, no?

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 17th, 2023