How did we go from pehlay aap [after you]
to pehlay main [me first]?

The pehlay aap culture is associated with Lucknow, the epitome of North Indian culture, the region most influenced by successive Muslim empires. Lucknow came into its own as a cultural centre with the decline of the Mughal Empire.

Here evolved the highest forms of poetry, tanz-o-zarafat [satiric] prose, music, dance, theatre, art, architecture, elegant fashion, refined pastimes, innovative cuisine, even intellectual courtesans. Tehzeeb [a cultured way of life] is often linked to tammadun [the art of living together]. Lucknow was known for its Ganga-Jamuni culture — the merging of the best of cultures, an entente cordiale [a friendly understanding].

It all came crashing down in 1856 when the East India Company annexed the state of Oudh and sent the Nawab, Wajid Ali Shah, into exile in Calcutta. Abdul Haleem Sharar wrote the ultimate elegy to the city in his book, Guzashta Lucknow, in 1926. Nevertheless, the Lucknow legacy set the bar for refined culture for generations to come. Many believe that even the Bollywood film industry developed because of its roots in the culture of Lucknow, its writers, singers and music composers.

The pehlay aap culture was a reflection of this refinement. The joys of life were for sharing, not competing for the spotlight. People described themselves as khaksaar [as humble as dust]. You were invited to their ghareeb khana [poor house]. Even the most lowly were addressed as aap, qibla or janaab. In great rage, a person would be called an ahmaq [foolish] or jaahil [illiterate].

This art of self-deprecation is also a hallmark of that other great culture — the Japanese, where Jigyaku-teki, or humility is intended to put a person at ease, create harmony and avoid conflict.

British self-deprecation, mostly seen in their humour, is a more complex art that sits comfortably with a nation that had the panache to conquer and rule countries many times their size. Nevertheless, it was deemed unseemly to brag or to be openly competitive.

According to Will Storr, author of Selfie: How We Became So Self-ObsessedandWhat It’s Doing to Us, the genesis of the “Me First” culture can be can be traced to Californian politician John Vasconcellos who, in 1986, instituted the The State Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility.

Seemingly, all of the ills of society could be cured by raising self-esteem, starting with parenting and teaching, often overpraising to encourage children, regardless of the quality of their achievements. It sounds very commendable, but Storr suggests it led to an epidemic of narcissism in the 1980s and 1990s, whose effects can still be felt.

The concept became viral and spread across the world. It became entwined with the Thatcher-Reagan economic model that, according to Storr, turned life into competition, like the film, The Hunger Games, where a person has to be obsessed with themself in order to get on in life.

“I will never feel bad about doing what’s best for me”, “You’ve got to be your own hero”, “Look out for yourself”, “Wipe out the competition”, are some of the mantras of the ‘Me First’ culture. The gentility of “after you” became a weakness.

In her article “Me! Me! Me! Are we living through a narcissism epidemic?” Zoe Williams points out that narcissistic people take pride in not caring for others. However, while self-promotion and individuality are presented as essential, in their hearts, people long for the support of friends and community, especially when they are struggling with the pressures of life.

In Pakistan, “Me First” is of course most evident in how people behave when stuck in traffic, but it is also becoming an aspiration in big corporations, educational institutions, political parties and many professions. In 1981, British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher said, “Economics are the method: the object is to change the soul.”

One would like to believe that, while institutions modelled on international aspirations may have adopted the “Me First” philosophy, at a social level, the pehlay aap culture is still valued. According to the Hofstede Report, Pakistanis are a collectivistic society rather than individualistic. Hierarchy is maintained in families. Hospitality and charity are cornerstones of Pakistani society.

They may push ahead while driving on the road but, in their homes, pehlay aap hospitality prevails.

Durriya Kazi is a Karachi-based artist.

She may be reached at durriyakazi1918@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 13th, 2022