Dear Auntie,  
A few months ago, I took my GCEs, and when my provisional results came out, I did not expect the low grade that I got. Since exam grades are very important for my parents, things got worse when my parents had a very negative reaction. They didn’t scream or vent, instead they were disappointed, as they had expected a lot from me.

On top of that, they compared my studious and conscientious cousin with me, which drove me to the edge of an emotional breakdown. Sad is an understatement. I am very disappointed in myself, and am beating myself up. I can’t talk to my parents like I used to, and I feel terrible, as though I have betrayed my parents; they mean the most to me. My results for the remaining two subjects will come out next week. I don’t know what to do!

I’m super nervous, have trouble sleeping and, every time I speak to my father who tries to put on a cheerful smile to hide the pain and angst he felt as he heard about my result, I am on the verge of tearing up. He thinks I’m great at studies, and he has always expected a lot from me. Seeing him pretend that nothing has happened and trying to lift my mood, makes me feel guilty.
Complete Failure

‘I feel as though I have betrayed my parents’

Dear Complete Failure,
With a tight hug from me to you, here is some perspective. There is no one on this planet who has never failed at anything. No one. Including your parents, the people frequently propped up as the most successful individuals on the planet, and your darling Auntie here. So, while it is only natural to be disappointed after a bad grade, it is not the end of the world. It wouldn’t surprise me if your parents also messed up in school back in the day, and went to their parents, head hanging in shame, bad report card in hand. No one likes bad results, but these grades are not the end of your academic or professional career.

Your parents are wrong to compare you to your cousin. You are a unique human being with unique traits and strengths, and they probably did that out of frustration. They are human, after all.

Just give your parents and yourself time, and I promise all of you will get over this. In the meantime, do not try to justify your results (I am sure you are not) and accept responsibility for the grades that you got. Also, avoid saying things like “But Alina/Mahad/Aiza also got a D.”  You will just trigger your parents. It is not the happiest thing to happen to anyone, but it is something that has happened. And you should face it. You got a bad result, the family is upset, you will get through this, next. Your parents will cheer up, and so will you, just give it time.

In the meantime, start working towards your next step. Do you need to retake your exams? Do you need to apply for A-levels or college? Do you need to go private?  Whatever it is, don’t slack, start your research, and work towards it. Think of this phase of your life as a learning experience, and be honest with yourself. Did you work hard for this exam? Did you need help with some subjects, but didn’t seek it?  

Being honest in your responses will help you see where you are lacking in your effort, and hopefully motivate you to move forward.

Here’s your homework for this week: Please go read Jack Ma’s story. The man only saw failure for a long time in his life. But he didn’t let that faze him and kept moving forward.

I wish you only the best in whatever you do.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 16th, 2022