Congratulations are pouring forth from the prime minister to himself on a number of firsts that the revolutionary politburo of his cabinet assures him have never happened before in the history of the nation. National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr, glorious leader and premier of the Republic of Cliftonia, shared the wonderful news via a national address, wherein he praised his government’s remarkable successes.

Some of the achievements mentioned by the Saviour of Cliftonia during his speech included the following:

First Leader to Inform the Ignorant World of Tribal Identities

No leader in the past had the courage to call out the ignorance of the West in anthropological and historical matters pertaining to the Republic. In a first, the PM informed the world that the Aitchisoni was a tribe based in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab. Many of its young members had to leave their mansions when their parents (patriarchally-speaking, only their criminal investment banker fathers) were on the run, accused of money-laundering. As a result they were forced to grow up in country clubs across Cliftonia. Quite a few went on to graduate from Dar-ul-Uloom Aitchisonia, a prestigious institution renowned for its Social Climbing Studies programme, which the prime minister’s revolutionary government had proudly funded over the years.

The Saviour of Cliftonia lays out the remarkable historical firsts he has achieved

“I say to the West: Stop with your ignorance! Know your tribes! If you want to learn more, here’s my number so call me, maybe?” he said, aiming his challenge at his counterpart in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“It seems as if this country didn’t even have a government all these years until he arrived,” echoed his support base of highly educated, dandruff-free, impartial, fact-driven, data-oriented, patriotic baby dolls.

First Leader to Curriculum the Uneducated

The prime minister became the first leader in the 7,500-year history of Cliftonia, to impose a highly contentious and regressive curriculum on schools across the country, in order to stir a national debate.

“You see, for the first time, I have cunningly forced people to talk about education in this country. No one ever discussed such matters in the past,” said the humble prime minister.

“It seems as if this country didn’t even have a government all these 7,500 years until he arrived!” echoed his support base of highly educated, dandruff-free, impartial, fact-driven, data-oriented, patriotic baby dolls.

First Leader to Lift Cliftonian Currency, the Loot, to New Heights

The prime minister congratulated the nation on his administration’s successful economic policies that had lifted the Cliftonian Loot to ever greater heights against the US dollar.

“Whereas the miserly, bankrupt West can only part with one US dollar in exchange, we the large-hearted East can offer 170 of our Cliftonian Loots in return!” the prime minister said.

“Could never imagine that our Loot would go through such a transformation. It seems as if this country didn’t even have a government all these years until he arrived!” echoed his support base of highly educated, dandruff-free, impartial, fact-driven, data-oriented, patriotic babydolls.

First Leader to Request First Lady to Order State Officials to Write Essays Entitled ‘My Targets’ Just Like They Did When They Were in Fifth Grade

In yet another first, the beloved leader asked the even more beloved First Lady to tour the nation’s health facilities and order their respective heads to sit in their offices, find a piece of paper, and jot down a list of their future targets, which she would subsequently review in light of her extensive medical and public administration expertise. The respective heads would also be graded on their grammar and given extra marks for neat handwriting.

“No First Lady had ever been asked to undertake such an assignment. I believe that experience and qualifications don’t matter if you’ve been selected to allocate elementary school-level assignments to senior state officials,” said the world’s most anti-status quo leader.

“It seems as if this country didn’t have a First Lady or fifth-grade essays or even a government all these years until he arrived!” echoed his support base of highly educated, dandruff-free, impartial, fact-driven, data-oriented, patriotic baby dolls.

First Leader to be Taken Out of Context on a Daily Basis

Hardly any leader in the history of the Republic has ever been this frequently misunderstood. Unlike the West’s robots, our insightful leader keeps being taken out of context because of the words that come out of his glorious mouth.

“I am not a robot. I speak my mind. I put my money where my mouth is… unless my mouth is somewhere else… in which case, I then go and put my money there,” explained the prime minister.

“It seems as if this country didn’t have a context or even a government all these years until he arrived!” echoed his support base of highly educated, dandruff-free, impartial, fact-driven, data-oriented, patriotic baby dolls.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 26th, 2021