Dear Auntie,
I am an idiot, and a fool. I am in a relationship with a man who doesn’t care about my feelings. In our three years together, he has treated me like trash. Whenever he wants, he blocks me and then unblocks me without any reason. After some time, he does the same things all over again i.e. never responds to my texts. I don’t know why he behaves like this. I often feel that he is taking revenge (I know I didn’t do anything with anybody else) or is satisfying his ego. But believe me, he is the only one whom I trust and feel secure with.

But I am tired of being ignored. If any of my friends had such a boyfriend, I would strongly recommend that they leave him immediately, because he is just playing with their emotions. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am still stuck with him and don’t want to lose him. I have rejected many proposals for him.

Frankly speaking, I know he is not worthy of love. But the way I love him you can’t even imagine. I can do anything for him. I know I am foolish and that’s why I am seeking advice on how to overcome this stupidity. Recently, he blocked me again. But I still want his attention and am ready to do everything for him. 

‘My boyfriend treats me like trash but I love him’

Although, I am not trying to contact him, my work and family are suffering because of my current state of mind. 
Heartbroken Idiot

Dear Heartbroken Idiot,
The number of times you have referred to yourself as an ‘idiot’ and a ‘fool’ hints at your low self-image. That is one of the main reasons you are addicted to this toxic relationship.

The good thing is your realisation that you have a problem on your hands and also, at some level, you can see that you are being played. People who become addicted to others are usually unhappy with themselves. To begin breaking this addiction, you have to figure out what is really making you unhappy. Maybe you feel inferior to this boy or to others, or you feel ignored by your family, or you just don’t have enough other things going on in your life and are directing all your energy towards this man. Once you can honestly pinpoint what is making you unhappy, you can start working on eliminating it.

Nothing outside of us ever makes us happy or unhappy. This is sometimes difficult for people to understand, but happiness really does come from within, as does unhappiness.

Start going easy on yourself. You are not an idiot or a fool, so stop using such words to describe yourself. You may have grown up with people who used those words to describe you, but that is not who you are. Use positive adjectives to describe yourself in your head, even if initially it sounds like a lie.

Think about how this toxic relationship is ‘feeding’ you and your obsessive thoughts about this person. Do you enjoy the temporary thrill of meeting this person? Is he your guilty secret? Do you expect highs that lead to terrible lows and emptiness? Identify how you feel and the patterns of this relationship and write it down.

Once you see on paper how this relationship is hurting you, remind yourself that you deserve so much better. Start cutting this person out of your life. That means zero contact, and no social media. Remind yourself that this craving is just like that of an alcoholic or drug addict who craves their substance — it is literally a chemical reaction. It won’t be easy but, if you can get through this stage, things will become easier.

Start keeping yourself busy with healthy distractions. Also work on building your social life. Connect with others and, if you can find a trusted friend, tell them what is going on. Start journalling your thoughts. And remind yourself how awesome you are, several times a day, every single day. 

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.
Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 19th, 2021