Hello Auntie,
I have been in a very difficult situation for the past two years. In November 2018, I had my nikah with my maternal cousin as a result of constant pressure from my parents. I never liked him, but he likes me. He is a very calm person and I am a very passionate person. Our mindsets are completely different. We do not have any understanding at all. I cannot tolerate him from even 10 feet away. He lives in the US.

I was a very sad bride and was never happy with this rishta. Since that day I have never been happy. I do not have any big issues with him, but there are several small issues between us. Now our relationship is hanging by a thread. I do not want to get married (rukhsati). And the guy also knows that I do not want this relationship. Since we are from the same family, everyone is quite depressed.  My mother was even hospitalised for a day due to high blood pressure.

I do not know what to do with my life. I want to break this relationship because I cannot risk my future. I want to work hard for the CSS and the judiciary exam, and get somewhere in my life. But my family wants me to get married and move to the US. I am very confused about whether I should listen to my family and risk my life, or should I listen to my heart. Either way, if I face any problems later I will be devastated. I want both — my happiness and my family’s happiness.  Please help me Auntie; I am in desperate need of advice.   Married

Dear Married,
It is surprising that you say that you do not want to get married. My love, once you have signed the nikahnama (marriage contract), you are married.  When you sign the nikahnama, you have essentially signed the marriage contract and you and your cousin are now legally wedded to each other. Ending the relationship after a nikah will mean that you will have to get a divorce.

The time to change your mind, end the relationship and embark on other plans was before you signed the nikahnama.

‘Our relationship is hanging by a thread’

Unfortunately, many people treat the nikah like a mangni (engagement). A mangni is an understanding between two people that they plan to marry. It has no legal value. On the other hand, the nikahnama you signed has legal value and you cannot get out of this as easily as you could have if you were just engaged. Please understand that, ever since you signed the nikahnama, you are a married woman and are no longer your parents’ responsibility.  

Since you have signed the nikahnama, you do not need a rukhsati party to go and live with your husband. You can literally leave your house and go live with your husband right now. Yes, let me repeat. You can leave your parents’ home and go live with your husband right now.

If you are having a change of heart about the marriage, please know that you will need to take the legal route to get out of it. Your husband and you will have to divorce. That is a decision you will have to take. Auntie is no one to persuade or dissuade you from any decision that you may want to take, just know that a divorce has far reaching consequences regardless of whether the rukhsati happened or not. I suggest you use this time — while the world is locked down — to research the legal, religious and social aspect of being married and divorced. Look around you to understand what it means to be divorced from society’s point of view, consider whether you are strong enough to deal with the repercussions, and then make an informed decision.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 29th, 2020