Hi Auntie
I am a 40-year-old husband. I have two kids and live with my wife and parents. Working in a large group at a senior position about one year ago, I met a lady whom I will call J. She is about 45 years old. We met during training and became friends. She is single and lives alone and belongs from a different community. I like her and want to start a relationship with her, but I am a little confused and scared about how to express my feelings to her. Please guide.
Senior Executive

Whoa! If your wife, parents and two kids are okay with you pursuing a relationship with J, and if J is also okay with it, then who is Auntie to say anything? Have you thought about why you are scared? It’s because you know that pursuing this relationship will upset the delicate balance of your life.  

Look, realistically speaking, you are married, not blind. Married people come across attractive people all the time. And biologically a man is more stimulated visually than a woman. Also this is probably not the first, nor the last, time that you are attracted to someone else. However, unless you really want to upset your life’s apple cart, some self-analysis would help here. Try asking yourself why you are so attracted to this woman. It could be that, when you leave home, your wife is still in her night clothes with her face unwashed, yelling at the kids and you arrive in office to see this composed woman all made-up and glowing, looking so confident. It could also be that things have been difficult between you and the wife and both of you are feeling unloved and uncared for. Think about this to understand what’s going on with you.

Also realise that what you are seeing of J is her best side — the confident and pretty side. Trust me, if you pursue a relationship with her, you will also see her not so glamorous, bad-mood, morning-face side very soon.

Unless you are craving a whole lot of drama and disruption in your life, draw a line and don’t cross it.

Dear Auntie,
I am a recent business graduate who wants to be successful in the future. But my mother wants to get me engaged to a girl who wants to become a doctor and is enrolled in her first year in a medical university. Although I also like the girl when I heard about her from my mom, there is an obstruction. The girl said to my mother to wait for five years just for the engagement, let alone the marriage, I repeat, for the engagement! Given my age, five years is a long time, especially for the engagement. I don’t know why the girl is saying this, but I firmly believe that she is not interested in me. I need your help in this matter. Should I wait for five years or I should move on and suggest my mom to find someone else!?
Bewildered!

Why are you bewildered? She is probably a very serious medical student who wants to complete her education and also, hopefully, practise her profession without getting distracted by marital responsibilities. Sounds like an empowered girl to me, because a) she has life goals, apart from getting married, and b) she has an opinion regarding her own marriage.

You say, ‘as per my age and being a graduate, five years is a long time and especially for the engagement.’ She is not thinking about you. She is thinking about herself. Many human beings do that.

Also proposals are a two-way thing. Just because you sent a rishta, doesn’t mean she is going to accept it. It is called a proposal for a reason. It can be turned down.

It may also be that she doesn’t want to marry you. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but rejection is part of life. It hurts, but please don’t take it personally.

You sent a proposal and she pretty much said ‘no’, or at least ‘not now.’ You, as the other human being in this equation, are well within your rights to move on. If you want to get married soon, look elsewhere. Find someone who is your own type and shares similar life goals.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 13th, 2019