Dear Auntie Agni,
I am a 52-year-old happily married working woman with three children. The eldest is 27 and is getting married to a plain-looking girl who is three years older than him. She belongs to a very humble family and our two families are not compatible at all. After marriage, the couple will live with us since they cannot afford to maintain a separate home. My husband and I have tried to convince our son not to go ahead with the marriage, but he has ignored our advice. I am concerned at the very thought of this marriage and how my family and friends will react to it. Kindly advise what to do.
Distraught MIL

Dear MIL,
All your concerns about your son’s relationship are related to your image of yourself and your family. None of what you have raised as a concern — the girl’s ‘plain’ looks, her humble background or her age — are likely to impact the love between your son and his wife-to-be.

Let’s take your concerns one by one. I hope you realise that good looks are subjective. Different people have different preferences when it comes to looks. While you might find this girl plain, your son clearly does not. We are told over and over about what counts as beautiful — in our culture it is usually girls with a gora complexion, slender and tall with long hair who meet the ‘ideal’ standard of beauty. This is all someone else’s opinion. Your son has his own ideas about beauty and this girl fits the bill, even though you can’t see what he sees in her.

‘I am concerned about my son’s choice’

Her humble background? How will that impact your son’s happiness? He knows that she comes from a humble background and still likes her. And if she came from the same social class as you or from a class above you, would that guarantee a happy marriage? Isn’t happiness what you want for your son?

And finally her age. He knows she’s older than him and he still likes her. They have not hidden her humble background or her age from you, so at least you can admire her and her family’s honesty. It is a rare blessing to find people who are honest about their supposed ‘weak’ points, especially when it comes to marriage.

Your son is an adult and he is well within his right to choose a partner for himself. All your problems with this match relate to how the couple will appear to the world, or more specifically to the audience at the wedding. They will see the bride and call her ‘plain’. They will look at her family and think your son married beneath his social class. Someone will tell them that the girl is three years older than the boy and they will giggle. Your reaction to all of these should be: ‘So what?’

Because, next week when the same chatterati attend another wedding, they will find new things to talk about. They will forget your son’s ‘mismatch’ and move on to nitpick another couple and their wedding extravaganza.

There is no pleasing the chatterati. They will find things to talk about even if the bride ticked all the right boxes. At age 52, you already know that. The point of this marriage is your son and his wife’s long-term happiness. It is not to please the maama, chaachi, the neighbour and their gardener. 

Marrying someone younger, prettier and rich is no guarantee of a happy life. There are examples of unhappily married, conventionally good-looking and ‘perfectly’ matched couples all around us.

The only thing that would be a valid cause for concern in your son’s situation would be if you could see that his fiancée was nasty and mean to him. If you found that she demeaned your son or yelled at him in private. That would be something that you could see potentially having an impact on the relationship between them and is something you could perhaps express your reservations about. However, as stated earlier, your son is an adult and you have told him you are not happy with the match. That’s about as much as educated and enlightened parents can do.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 15th, 2019