We, the VIPs, have troubles too

Published October 13, 2014
-Illustration by Ema Anis/Dawn.com
-Illustration by Ema Anis/Dawn.com

The VIPs of Pakistan have been getting an unnecessary amount of flak recently. Suddenly, they are the reason for every social ill in the country. As a VIP myself, I want to reach out to the masses of the country with a message promoting peaceful co-existence.

We, the VIPs, do not want to make your life hard; we just want to enjoy our 500 rupee cappuccino in peace after a power yoga session.

Sure, we may treat airline pilots in Pakistan as personal chauffeurs, but then, there are hardships in our lives too: We have to travel in Pakistani airlines!

Is it not an absolute travesty that the government does not grant every VIP in Pakistan with a private plane? Honestly, I can think of no better use of your tax money. The only alternative is to take out all the first class cabins and piece them together into one VIP-only plane. The cockpit will then be attached to the first class cabin with all the other planes free to be pulled to their respective destinations using donkeys and horses.

Also, it will greatly reduce Pakistan’s fuel consumption, allowing us to actually run our Ferraris on petrol instead of CNG. Do you even know how much a CNG kit in a Ferrari costs? There is not even a VIP line at most CNG stations!

Also read: 'If you are not a VIP, you are unworthy of criticising a VIP'

I have to say, this whole business of bashing VIP protocols — the mass media has presented a highly biased view on this subject, deliberately choosing to ignore all the benefits of protocol movements.

Sure getting a protocol is pretty convenient, but there is an element of trickle-down economics that benefits the lower classes as well.

You like to talk about the poor. Have you ever thought about how hard poor mobile snatchers have to work on the roads, forced to go about their business hurriedly before the signal turns green?

A protocol provides these guys with ample time to get new — or not that new — presents for all their families and friends for Eid.

Being against protocol is being against Eid. Are you against Eid in Pakistan? ARE YOU??!!

Yes, that's right, you poor souls should be grateful to us VIP folk for the misery we hand you guys.

Read on: VIP culture: 'Those who ride motorbikes may be shot dead'

The thanklessness is appalling really. I mean, I keep hearing all these people ranting on and on about this fast-paced world, and how they don't get the time to...blah blah blah...but no one notices that waiting in your car during a protocol is the only opportunity to sit back, relax and think, apart from the time you're sitting on the toilet.

Sitting behind the steering wheel with nowhere to be and nothing to do...what beats that? And even if you have some business to attend to, it's not like you can go there now, especially since your cellphone just got stolen.

We, the VIPs, can relate to that of course, our families lives well within their means to understand the plight of the common man; which is why I only got the regular iphone 6, instead of the gold one that I usually get. The phone also bent slightly during my power yoga session, such an annoyance; and much worse than having it stolen at gunpoint.

Much worse, seriously.

Take a look: Contesting VIP culture

Then there are complaints of unemployment and how there's so much competition and yada yada. Well, newsflash, guys: no market is more competitive than the VIP market.

Do you have the slightest idea how hard it is to be a VIP? If somebody buys a house for a billion dollars, you have to go and buy a house for two billions dollars just to retain your VIP status.

I do not need a two billion dollar house, the 1.5 billion dollar house was sufficient, but I was forced to do it.

No other group of people in Pakistan faces such intense peer pressure. Sometimes I feel like the world is a giant monopoly board. Luckily for us, the 'Go To Jail' square on the board in Pakistan is reserved for non-VIPs only. And even if we mistakenly end up there, there are always multiple 'Buy a Judge' card, which all VIPs are entitled to.

There is also an entire population out there complaining about roti.

Now that, I agree with; I do not have any roti in my diet either. Good for me and all the others out there, because roti has a shocking number of calories in it. I have replaced all wheat with Kale and Avocados.

Non-VIPs are super lucky that they get to eat organic all the time. We have no option but to have all the burgers, pizzas and other unhealthy foods so that the masses do not have to suffer. Obviously, then I have to go to the gym and walk a mile on the treadmill. I'm so jealous of all the Pakistanis who get to do it naturally every time they go to drink water from the well.

Editorial: VIP culture

All I am saying is that our lives are not that easy, but we have to do it just to be the right symbol for the masses. You see, we have to be an inspiration for all of Pakistan, and that's no mean task. The least you guys could do is that every time you are stuck in traffic and counting the cars in our protocols, be inspired and aim to achieve the same status one day.

If we cannot be appreciated for all the hardships we suffer for the common people, then I implore the international world to consider turning all the Defence areas of Pakistan into a separate country: VIPakistan.

VIPakistan will not have roti, kapra and makaan. Instead it will only have whole wheat bread. Kapra is optional and makaan sounds so archaic anyway. I prefer the word mansion. I mean, is a house without a jacuzzi even worth living in?

I would hold a jalsa to celebrate the creation of VIPakistan, but most of you would probably not be VIP enough to attend it. For those who do happen to be VIPs, VIPakistan’s constitution will grant all its citizens with all fundamental rights, including but not limited to, the following rights:

  • The right to have no education, especially if daddy dear has promised to make me CEO of the family business
  • The right of liberty. We shall have all rights over all of Liberty, sorry Lahoris. You can still have Anarkali and Fortress because ewww who goes to Fortress?
  • Right to undue process of law
  • Freedom of protocol movement
  • Freedom of association. We will have complete freedom over any association anywhere
  • Freedom over institutions
  • No one will be equal before the law
  • Freedom to all property
  • Freedom to forced labour

VIPs are a crucial part of the very fabric of Pakistan. Just because we have graciously accepted that the common subjects no longer have to call us ‘King’ or ‘Prince’ does not mean we will give up all our rights. I would have fought for our rights if it weren't for the fact that we are VIPs and don't have to fight for anything, people just give us things.

Also read: 400 VIPs caught violating traffic rules

Talking about giving things, my father decided to reward me for acting like a commoner and not insisting on a gold iphone. But it turned out that was only a test and he already bought me the gold iphone. So I am going to update my Facebook status in support of the socialist movements in South America before my dad grounds me for speaking to the commoners in Pakistan.

PS. Just a heads up: I have a flight at 9pm today. Expect Shahrah-e-Faisal to be cordoned off.

Opinion

Editorial

Time for dialogue
Updated 24 Jun, 2024

Time for dialogue

If the PML-N and PTI remain mired in mutual acrimony, an ever-widening gap will continue to allow non-political forces to assert themselves.
Property taxes
24 Jun, 2024

Property taxes

ACCORDING to reports in the local media, along with the higher taxes imposed on real estate in the recent budget, ...
Fierce heat
24 Jun, 2024

Fierce heat

CLIMATE change is unfolding as predicted by experts: savage heat, melting glaciers, extreme rainfall, drought, ...
China’s concerns
23 Jun, 2024

China’s concerns

Pakistan has no option but to neutralise militant threat to Chinese projects, as well as address its business and political stability concerns.
War drums
23 Jun, 2024

War drums

If it is foolish enough to launch another war in Lebanon, Tel Aviv will be solely responsible for setting the Middle East on fire.
Balochistan budget
23 Jun, 2024

Balochistan budget

BALOCHISTAN’S Rs955.6bn budget for the fiscal year 2024-25 makes many pledges to the poor citizens of Pakistan’s...