When I was a kid in the 1970s, I remember Pakistan’s state-owned TV channel, PTV, used to keep playing a catchy song about Pak-China friendship.
It went something like this: ‘Pak-Cheen dosti wang woye, wang woye, wang woye, wang woye, Pak-Cheen dosti zindabad, zindabad, zindabad, zindaabaaad.’
The words ‘wang woye’ were in Chinese and were the Chinese equivalent of the Urdu word ‘zindabad’ (long live).
What amazing days they were. And what’s more, a bowl of chicken corn soup at Chinese restaurants was not only cheaper but tastier as well.
Some say that was because the Chinese restaurants used pieces from desi Pakistani murghis (chickens) and not from the ones cloned in those inhuman/inchicken poultry farms that sprang up across Pakistan in the late 1970s.
Meat from desi chickens being used by expert Chinese cooks was one of the true reflections of Pak-Cheen dosti (Pak-China friendship). It is the unique chicken corn soup that you can still get from Chinese restaurants in Pakistan that has made the Pak-China friendship so great, legendary, and, well, unique.
Recognising this, the United States tried its utmost to stick a spammer in the relationship between Pakistan and China. It tried to do this by introducing the evil science of chicken cloning in Pakistan. Chicken cloning really became popular among the country’s naïve poultry farmers because it was cheaper to maintain, compared to raising healthy desi chicks.
The US Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger (also known as Ace Fernley), first visited Pakistan in 1972 right after the country lost a war against Bengali terrorists in former East Pakistan – a war, one must remember, in which the US did not help Pakistan during and which India claimed it won.
Only China came to our rescue. As the US imposed an arms embargo on Pakistan and while the Bengali terrorists were being armed by India that was being armed by the Soviet Union that was being armed by the communist wing of the Illuminati; China sent an army of 77,000 chefs to Pakistan who prepared zabardast, delicious giant bowls of chicken corn soup for our troops. Yum.
Most Pakistanis had tears in their eyes. Cynics said it was just the chilly sauce in the soup, but the truth was, it was this beautiful gesture by the Chinese during the bloody war that made us so emotional. After all, it was a war in which so many true Muslim Pakistanis of West Pakistan were brutally slaughtered by East Pakistani terrorists.
Impressed with the way West Pakistan so successfully got rid of the troublesome and useless East Pakistanis, Ace Fernley arrived for a secret meeting with Pakistan’s new premier, Zulfikar Ali Babutto.
After congratulating Premier Babutto on the conduct of the Pakistan army and its people in their war against Bengali terrorists, Ace unravelled the real purpose of his visit: China.
Conscious of the growing relationship between Pakistan and China – and jealous of the fact that Chinese food at US Chinese restaurants pretty much sucked – Ace asked Babutto to help US start a dialogue with the communist Chinese regime to neutralise the global communist threat being faced by the world from the Soviet Union and an obscure tribe deep inside the Amazon forest.
Babutto agreed and his government helped kick-start talks between Chinese premier, Zhou Ajinomoto, the Chinese Communist Party Chairman, Mao Something-Tung, and Ace Fernley.
The secret talks took place in a comfy little corner of the Great Wall of China and both the parties – the third party, Pakistan, was sent on a sight-seeing tour – agreed to tackle the Soviet menace together.
It was also decided that the Chinese will share its Pakistani recipe of chicken corn soup with the Americans in exchange for 15,000 Levis bellbottoms for the members of the Chinese Communist Party.
Ace Fernley thanked Premier Bubutto for arranging the historic first contact between US and China, saying this has also strengthened relations between Pakistan and the US. Premier Ajinomoto of China too thanked Bubutto saying, ‘the soup can now only get tastier.’
But relations between the US and Pakistan began to strain when in 1974 India managed to construct a nuclear device. It was a nuclear powered toothbrush. It was proudly exhibited on the Indian media by the Indian premier, Prem Chopra.
Prime Minister Bubutto promised the Pakistani armed forces that he will do anything in (and out) of his power to make sure Pakistan too had a nuclear toothbrush. For this, he assembled a team of top Pakistani dentists, one of which was a young man called Dr. No.
Concerned about the concern of its friend Pakistan, the Chinese government sent 60,000 Chinese dentists to Pakistan. Though none of them really helped Pakistan build a nuclear toothbrush, they did end up putting a lot of Pakistani dentists out of work.
This made Dr. No very angry and he began calling Bubutto an atheist and someone who preferred fried frogs legs over fried chicken wings. Dr. No decided to leave Pakistan and travel to Holland.
Meanwhile, the US, through its moles and squirrels in Prime Minister Bubutto’s garden, got to find out about Bubutto’s plan of constructing the nuclear toothbrush. Ace Fernlay asked China to caution Bubutto. The Chinese government did caution Bubutto – but in Chinese.
So, obviously, Bubutto had no idea what the Chinese were talking about, and replied, ‘Yes, yes, thank you. We love you too.’ Not understanding what Bubutto was talking about, the Chinese once more sent him a caution – again in Chinese.
Ace Fernley was livid. He sent a message to the Chinese: ‘Why are you cautioning them in Chinese?’
Not understanding the message, the Chinese replied (this time in English): ‘Yes, yes, thank you. We love you too.’
Frustrated, Fernley is said to have directly called Prime Minister Bubutto, warning him that the US would make a horrible example of him if he didn’t stop his programme of building a nuclear toothbrush.
‘Why?’ asked Bubutto. ‘We have teeth too.’
‘I will break those teeth if you don’t stop,’ said Fernley.
‘Good,’ replied Bubutto. ‘Then we’ll make nuclear teeth as well.’
Only months after the conversation, a movement against Bubutto led by Pakistan’s religious parties erupted. Bubutto accused the Americans for funding the movement. The religious parties denied this and said they’d had enough of a PM who preferred frog legs over chicken wings. They also accused Bubutto of putting thousands of Pakistani dentists out of work.
‘Look!’ said leader of a religious party at a press conference while showing his cavity-stricken teeth. ‘Look! I can’t find a decent Muslim Pakistani dentist anymore. How can a pious Muslim like me go to a Chinese dentist? They don’t believe in God. And eat frog legs!’
As the movement against Bubbuto gained momentum, he turned towards the Chinese for help, only to find that they were still speaking to him in Chinese. Alas, in July 1977, Bubutto’s government was toppled by General Nasim Hijazi.
But this didn’t impact Pak-Cheen dosti. In fact, not only did the Pak-China friendship remain intact, a new chapter of co-operation and friendship began between Pakistan and the US.
This was the time when the US introduced chicken cloning technology in Pakistan. General Nasim and his partners in the religious parties at once endorsed the technology, calling it ‘in accordance with the moral and dietary dictates of faith.’
Bubutto was hanged in 1979, but the Chinese got to know about his demise in 1988 when his daughter Benazir was elected Prime Minister of Pakistan.
‘Really? He’s dead? Like, gone? Wasn’t he in Libya?’ The Chinese delegation had asked Benazir.
‘He died 10 years ago, gentlemen,’ Benazir had replied. ‘Where have you been?’
The Chinese delegates were surprised by the question: ‘Madam, we were helping our friend Pakistan defeat the Soviets in Afghanistan. You can still see the giant bowls of chicken corn soup that we sent on the battle fields.’
That they did. They also kept a stable relationship with the US, especially with US President, Ronald Claude Van Damme, who was also a huge chicken corn soup fan.
President Van Damme’s remarkable passion for defeating the Godless Soviets through Pakistan and the Afghan mujahideen made him purposefully ignore Pakistan’s ongoing plans to build a nuclear toothbrush.
He knew that his comrade in arms, General Nasim, had continued the programme and also the fact that the General and his supporters in religious parties were now calling it the ‘Islamic Brush.’
Dr. No too had returned from Holland, smuggling sensitive blueprints from various dental clinics in Amsterdam and leading a group of Pakistani dentists to build a nuclear toothbrush.
China knew about the programme and as a friend asked all right-handed Chinese dentists in Pakistan to become left-handed and left-handed dentists too become right-handed so that the Pakistani dentists would start looking better than their Chinese counterparts. It was a great sacrifice.
China again came to the rescue, when after the Godless Soviets were defeated in Afghanistan, the US suddenly abandoned Pakistan and became concerned again by Pakistan’s plans to build a nuclear toothbrush.
US placed economic and aid sanctions on Pakistan and also stopped the sale of halal toothpaste in the United States, leaving many Pakistani Muslims living in the US using Miswak to brush their teeth with. It was a great injustice.
This made the Pakistan armed forces very angry and they pressurised the government to quicken the process of building the nuclear toothbrush.
Dr. No said that the brush should now be used against Western, Zionist, and Hindu US dentists.
During the economic and political crises that Pakistan went through in 1990s – mainly due to US sanctions and, of course, due to the corrupt, unpatriotic and useless civilian leadership – China jumped in to help.
In Pakistan’s hour of need, China sent about 10 million gold fish bowls to Pakistan. Feeling upbeat by the arrival of the gold fish bowls, Pakistan finally announced that it had made the nuclear toothbrush.
The toothbrush made Pakistan a proud nation of strong, shining white teeth.
Dr. No is now hailed as the father of the brush and in a noble exhibition of his love for faith, he even tried to spread his faith in North Korea by sending them certain parts with which the North Korans too could build a nuclear toothbrush; and brush the US and Europe off the face of the earth, yea baby!
Also, though Pakistan’s religious political parties, military, Dr. No and your neighbour still don’t like the fact that the Chinese eat frog legs, they see it being Pakistan’s only true and greatest friend.
Only recently this friendship was once again displayed during the terrible floods that Pakistan faced in 2010.
European countries and the US might have been the first ones to send aid to Pakistan during the floods, but it was our dear friend China who actually put a smile on our faces during the ordeal by sending 10 million stuffed pandas with strings which when pulled made the pandas sing, ‘Pak-Cheen dosti wang woye, wang woye, wang woye, wang woye …’
Relations between Pakistan and China have not only grown on an official and economic level, but on a spiritual level as well. The North West region of Pakistan that hosts Arab, Chechen, Uzbik, Tajik, Somalian and Martian Buddhists, is now fast becoming a training ground for Chinese Buddhists as well.
They are being trained by Pakistani Sufi masters in the mountains to achieve nirvana by exploding themselves at the sight of frog legs. Somehow, the Chinese regime is not very happy with this. Silly people.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
He tweets @NadeemfParacha
The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.