It is a truth universally acknowledged that Pakistani children are a breed apart. Cosseted at home, they know the world is their oyster. The apples of everyone’s eye, they demand fealty from all those unwise enough to cross their path.

The mothers might watch films like Hindi Medium and rate them highly too, but how can they be expected to imbibe any lessons? Tiger moms here are so keen to have English-speaking kids that if there were a way to enable the foetus to learn English in the womb, they would be the first to line up. Instead, they have to surround the toddler with a babble of English. Woe betide the toddler who speaks Urdu; it is immediately chastised by the parent and frog-marched back to English, ear in hand. It is a common sight to see mothers ploughing their way determinedly through English in a variety of accents with high-pitched toddlers. The schools chosen for such unique specimens are also English in every hue with students being reported to the parents if they dare resort to Urdu.

Little girls having always emulated their mothers. Is it any surprise that they require not only blow-dried, but also streaked and expertly cut hair? Mama is on hand to issue instructions to the harried hairstylist who has to simper at the child while pleasing both. As is the wont, the mother stands near the child, calling out tips on how to bring out the best in the little doll’s hairstyle. Meanwhile, the entire parlour is made aware of the tyke’s hair transformation since the decibels of both the child and the mother are on the high end of the scale. But no matter, this is a minor quibble. One can always have a coffee to alleviate the headache and surely it is reward enough to see the dearie with straight JLo hair cascading down her back, taking selfies which will be undoubtedly uploaded in record time on the FaceBook timeline of the proud mama. From nursery onwards, every accolade won by the child, whether it is winning a debate, running faster than others on Sports Day or coming first in class, will be documented in digital history with pictures and updates because how else can one derive pleasure from the child’s achievements unless it is broadcast to the world?  

Why blame kids when you can blame their obsessive parents

Talking of the world, since kids are poised right in the centre of it, clearly they own the malls and restaurants they are taken to. During a trip to a mall, one of the undone shoelaces of a young boy were gobbled up by the escalator while descending, rendering him immobile at the bottom. Behind the kid was a trolley and swarms of people. Did the parents move the kid to the side in order to avoid being smashed into by the trolley? Of course not. The father made desultory attempts to pull the kid’s foot up which succeeded in getting his laces more tightly enmeshed. If the trolley was the Titanic bearing down on them, the boy’s father was the ship’s captain, unwilling to change course. It took the shouts from the people on the escalator to give the father the energy to move the kid to the side just before the trolley hit him in the shoulder and people started falling like ninepins. Apart from a fierce glare from the crying kid, there was no reaction whatsoever from the parents.

Tiger moms here are so keen to have English-speaking kids that if there were a way to enable the foetus to learn English in the womb, they would be the first to line up. Instead, they have to surround the toddler with a babble of English. Woe betide the toddler who speaks Urdu; it is immediately chastised by the parent and frog-marched back to English, ear in hand. It is a common sight to see mothers ploughing their way determinedly through English in a variety of accents with high-pitched toddlers.

At home it may be impossible to pry kids away from their iPads, laptops, Ps4’s and the like, but in public, they rediscover their energy and penchant for games. It is not uncommon to be shopping at Khaadi and being crashed into by chubby pre-teens playing with deadly earnest. They might wish to be English-speaking, but clearly there is not much use for etiquette in the homeland; such civilities are reserved for when they go to the white man’s land because we here do not merit any manners. Hence, anyone pushed under by these rather active souls would not merit an apology. In fact, it is as if they are invisible. Meanwhile, the indulgent parents are close by, ready to censure any hobbling victim from glaring at the poor dears. Kids will be kids after all, they shrug.

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 25th, 2017