Last week local TV channels began reporting that the Habib University in Karachi was under attack. They also claimed that security personnel had entered the university because they believed that some terrorists were hiding there.

Alas, no such terrorist was found from inside the university. But the police and Rangers did find a couple of TV reporters there. They were seen running from one classroom to the other mouthing sound effects of gun fire (dhishoom, dhishoom!) in their microphones.

Well, such is the pressure on TV reporters to produce dramatic news on a constant basis. One TV reporter who was said to have taken out the most convincing sound of gun fire from his mouth during the (non)-siege at the university, said that most TV reporters these days are given special training to mouth sound effects.

He said, “we are trained to take out (from our mouths), sound of all kinds of gun fire. Machine gun, rifle, pistol, 9mm, .45 magnum, you name it.” He also informed that the repetitive swashing sounds heard during breaking news (Shoosh! Shoosh!) are also taken out by TV channel personnel. “But those effects are mouthed by newscasters alone,” he explained. “They are trained to keep punctuating reading the breaking news with these sounds. It’s quite a remarkable ability, really,” he added.

Reinventing some breaking news from last week, Paracha packs a hilarious punch

However, the TV reporters were confronted by some parents of the students who were at the university during the (non)-siege. They accused the reporters and their channels of creating unnecessary panic and worries for the parents.

In response, some reporters managed to pacify the enraged parents by taking out sounds of various pleasant birds and then entertaining them with sound effects of a Ping-Pong game. TV channels reported that the matter was settled amicably.

Meanwhile, in other news, newspapers reported that a local court in the capital city of El Salvador has issued warrants for the arrest of Altaf Hussain. The judge noted that since everybody else was doing it, why shouldn’t he.

So far almost every court across Pakistan has issued warrants against MQM chief, Altaf Hussain. Even tiny courts operating in the country’s remotest areas have gone on to issue such warrants as well. For example, a court in Bara Zizri, one of the most remote villages in the country, issued a warrant against Altaf, even though the judge was not quite sure exactly who Altaf really was.

In his judgment the judge noted: “This decision is based on what village elder, Ghulam Qadir Ahmad’s son, Ghulam Nafees Ahmad, heard from his friend Junaid Bokhari who lives in Quetta and has cable service on his TV. Junaid told Nafees who then told Qadir who eventually told me, that courts all over the country were issuing warrant after warrant for the arrest of someone by the name of Altaf Hussain. Qadir told me that this was due to this man’s terrible singing abilities. Qadir also said that a warrant from me may also help our village’s name to appear in the media and remind the authorities that Bara Ziri is very much part of Pakistan and not Nepal.”

In other news, former president and the co-chairperson of the PPP, Asif Ali Zardari lambasted the Nawaz Sharif government for reviving the politics of the 1990s. In his statement issued from Dubai, Zardari stated: “Nawaz is returning to doing politics of revenge. He is reviving the politics of the 1990s. Even Wasim Akram and Waqar Yunus have begun to warm up!”

Pakistan’s ace fast bowler of the 1990s, Wasim Akram, told reporters that indeed he (Akram) did get a bit excited after reading Zardari’s statement but soon settled down after his son reminded him that grunge died with Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Akram’s former fast bowling partner, Waqar, too is said to have gotten a tad excited by the statement until he pulled a muscle and declared, “well, so much for the ‘90s coming back.”

Now, some news from neighbouring India: Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s recent visit to the UAE and Saudi Arabia has been seen with increasing interest by the military-establishment of Pakistan. Modi has managed to strike a number of friendly economic deals with UAE and Saudi monarchies.

Commenting on the growing relations between India and the Gulf countries, a Pakistani military spokesman diplomatically hailed the newly enhanced relations between India and Pakistan’s brethren countries in the Gulf. He added: “To further strengthen these relations, India should remove its troops from the Indo-Pak Line of Control (LoC) and ship them to Yemen.”

The statement, however, did not go down well with the Indian military’s high command. Indian army chief, Yuvraj Mohan Asrani, issued a short but forceful response. He said: I warn Pakistan. Stop issuing such statements. Because remember, ‘hum angrezon kay zamanay kay jailer hain!’

The response from Pakistan’s military high command was equally short. In fact a lot shorter: ‘LOL!’

Meanwhile, right-wing Hindu militant outfit, the Shiv Sena, has suggested that “to answer Pakistan, Hindus will need to become human bombs.”

President of Shiv Sena, Uddhave Thackery, exhibited his approval of the declaration and issued a congratulatory statement to members of his outfit. The statement read: “I fully endorse your views, brothers. Mogambo khush hua.”

Experts have described this statement to be an aggressive expression of Militant Vegetarianism — an ideology born from consuming tainted cabbage while standing on one’s head during the yoga sessions of the 42-Day Challenge fitness programme.

Lastly, due to the ever-increasing trend of ugly spats on Twitter and Facebook (in Pakistan), Gillette has introduced special mouth-foam for a growing market of overtly opinionated Pakistanis. The product’s slogan is, ‘Little knowledge, big mouths, lots of foam!’

It is available in three unique flavours: Reactionary Green, Angry Red and Liberal Blue.

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, September 13th, 2015

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