Dear Auntie

I am a 21-year-old CA student. My life has been almost perfect until the last few months since when it has turned into a roller coaster ride. My father considered a proposal of his nephew for me. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the family. They are all very well-off, very educated and very decent people. I had my concerns about the guy’s height and the fact that he is extremely naive and unpredictable, but my father convinced me by saying that I should give him some time and that once he gets settled, he’ll change. I agreed on the condition that I’ll marry him when I am done with my studies and my father agreed and accepted the proposal. Fifteen days later my father passed away. My mom had to complete her iddat, so we didn’t exchange rings or anything. My father had asked me to keep calls and texts between my fiancé and me to a bare minimum, as it creates a lot of misunderstandings, so I did that.

My fiancés’ behaviour towards my family and me started to change. My mom called him to find out what is wrong and he said he liked someone else. His mom and dad who were in France assured us that he is lying and needs attention and told us not to disclose anything till they come to Pakistan. They are back now and when they asked him about the girl he said “miti pao” (forget it). My mom started taking antidepressants because of him and I honestly need your help, because the only thing that is holding me back is that my engagement was my father’s last decision.

Lost

Dear Disengage,

When a loved one has died, it seems nothing is big enough or good enough to show how much we love them. Sticking to your father’s promise probably brings you a sense of connection to your father and a sense of peace, knowing that this is what he wanted.

In the end though your father was human and could not have predicted what the future may bring. In your case, circumstances have changed after his death which is making it very difficult for you to keep his promise.

Your engagement may have been your father’s last decision, but don’t you think that had he been alive he may have changed his mind after seeing his nephew’s behaviour and all the pain it is causing you and your mother? Your father got you engaged to a boy he thought would become more mature over time. That has not happened. Your father had your best interests at heart, and in the end he would have wanted you to be happy, rather than miserable and married to someone you do not like.

We should keep the promises made to those living or dead. But when someone’s life — who is at the centre of that promise, which in this case is you — is at stake, the right thing is to do is whatever is in the best interest of that person.

Aslam-o-alaikum Auntie

I cannot concentrate on anything whether it is studies or anything else. I have tried to overcome this but I always fail. When I am studying and especially when I am cramming I suddenly lose my concentration and start thinking of something that has to do nothing with the topic at hand. For example, I am a fan of cricket and I will start imagining what it would feel like if I were a cricketer. Another example is that I love cars. If I ever see any new model on the internet or on the road I start thinking about it, even though it has nothing to do with me. I even get quickly obsessed with the political changes in the country and will waste my time thinking about them.

Once I even came close to meeting with an accident while driving as my mind was somewhere else rather than on the road.

I really want to get rid of my fantasy world and concentrate on my life. I don’t have any family issues, except that I am my parents’ only child. Mine are caring parents but I feel shy discussing my issue with them. My age is 22.

I hope there is a solution to my problem

Distracted

Dear Distracted,

It’s not easy to stay on task when you need to work or study for hours at a time, but it is also not impossible. And if there are people out there who are able to avoid distractions and focus, then why not you?

First things first, think about why you need to focus on your studies? Will it help you get a professional degree? Will it help you land a job? Knowing why you are studying what you are, can help you move towards doing it.

Try breaking up any big task that you take on, into small ones. If you don’t, you will get intimidated by all there is to accomplish and … daydream.

Next, think about how much you have on your plate. If you task yourself with studying four subjects every day, do you think you will be able to focus? Focus on doing two or three important smaller tasks in a day rather than trying to cram too much. And in order to get the essentials done, do them right away or as soon as humanly possible. If you wait, you will daydream and the daydreams will take over.

Have a dedicated area where you sit and study. And when you take breaks make sure you move away from that area. Keep distractions to a minimum, so turn off the internet, stay away from your phone and away from the TV room. When you come to something while you are working which you don’t get or can’t do, quickly move onto something you can do and come back to the tough bit. The idea is not to give your mind a reason to grab an obstacle.

Try meditation techniques to improve your ability to focus and de-stress and if you find that you still aren’t able to stop daydreaming, try getting professional help.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, March 1st, 2015

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