PTI to launch Plan E: After Pakistan it will shut down the US, UK, Russia and Fiji

Islamabad: At a press conference in Islamabad last evening, chief of the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI), Imran Khan, unveiled his party’s future strategy which he called ‘Plan E’.

Looking relaxed, Khan arrives at the press conference.

He said after the party has succeeded in shutting down Pakistan, according to Plans C and D, Plan E will see party workers moving in to shut down major cities of the United States, the UK, Russia and Fiji.

He added that he also had a Plan F and G that involves space travel, but hoped that Plan E would be enough to topple the Nawaz Sharif government.

When asked why PTI had chosen the US, UK, Russia and Fiji as the countries it would try to shut down in an attempt to bring down the Nawaz regime in Islamabad, Imran said that all the four countries (like Pakistan) were being run by corrupt political dynasties with the help of patwaries and were imperialistic in nature. ‘Especially Fiji,’ he added.

Explaining the modus operandi of Plan E, Khan said that PTI activists would hold rallies in the major US cities against the recent shooting of a young African American man by the Punjab police in Ferguson, Missouri.

In the UK Khan said, PTI will hold a charity ball to highlight the plight of the Blind Dolphins of River Indus that were being caught, fried and served at breakfast to Asif Ali Zardari; and in Russia, the party will agitate against the MQM that wants to break-up a part of Ukraine and merge it with Russia.

Punjab police beat up a PTI supporter in Ferguson, Missouri.

When asked what the party plans in Fiji, Khan said the party’s think-tank is still trying to figure out exactly where Fiji was.

‘We’ll let you know our plans there once we find out,’ he added.

Government resolves to tackle terrorism and polio with more Metro Bus and Motorway projects

Lahore: Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has said that his government was fully committed to tackle the menace of terrorism and polio by building more motorways and launching additional Metro Bus projects.

He said this while talking to a group of journalists on the Lahore-Islamabad Motorway where he had gone to launch the laying of a fresh strip of road over the one already in service.

‘God willing, the road-over-a-road will be completed by February next year and in January 2016 we will lay another road over the one we are laying today,’ he explained.

He added that the government was also committed to launching additional Metro Bus projects and building more motorways across Pakistan in its attempt to eradicate the scrooge of terrorism and polio from the country.

According to the government, this dynamic new strip of the Lahore-Islamabad Motorway is set to eradicate terrorism and polio from Pakistan.

‘Motorways and Metro Buses are the solution to all our problems,’ he said. When asked to elaborate exactly how the government plans to achieve victory against terrorism and polio through motorways and Metro Buses, the Prime Minister said: ‘Just like breaking all those Guinness records in Lahore last year solved Punjab’s economic and law & order problems, Motorways and Metro Buses will do the same for Pakistan.’

The Prime Minister’s leading advisor on foreign affairs, Sartaj Aziz, who was accompanying the Prime Minister, however, added that motorways and Metro Buses were only meant to deter terrorists who were harming Pakistan.

‘The Americans have their own motorways and metro buses, so they can tackle terrorists that were attacking them on their own. Why should we? Our motorways and Metro Buses will only tackle terrorists harming Punjab … I mean, Pakistan,’ Sartaj Aziz said.

‘Please don’t quote him out of context,’ the Prime Minister quickly added. ‘What he meant to say was … was … what you meant to say, Sartaj Saheb?’

Changing the topic, Nawaz then decided to respond to the possible statements of ridicule that his plans to tackle terror and polio through motorways and Metro Buses are expected to come from opposition parties.

He said, ‘I know haters will hate but sticks and stones may break Metro Buses but not words, and when the going gets tough the tough make motorways…’

Nawaz then met a dozen or so poor men and women and heard their pleas for economic assistance and jobs. After sympathising with them, he immediately distributed free metro bus tickets to them.

A poor villager praising Nawaz after he was given a free Metro Bus ticket by the Prime Minister.

Bilawal challenges Shiekh Rashid to a screaming duel

Karachi: Co-Chairman of the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP), Bilawal Bhutto, has challenged veteran politician, Shiekh Rashid Ahmed, to a screaming duel.

In a statement posted by him on Twitter, Bilwal said: ‘KHAPAY, KHAPAY, SHOUTING KHAPAY!!!! MARSU MARSU PAR RASHID NU CHEEKHNAY NA DEY SU!!!!'

He then posted: ‘RASHEEEEEED! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SCREAMING DUEL!!! ARE U UP FOR IT?????'

Bilawal exhibiting his prime talent.

When our reporter contacted Rashid and asked him whether he was planning to take up Bilawal’s challenge, he said: ‘Daikhaaaain … I am senior politician, he is junior boy …’

When Bilwal taunted him more on Twitter, Rasheed emailed the following statement to the press: ‘Daikhaaain … I SHOUT SCREAM LOUDER THAN THAT WOMANIZED MANS BECAUSE I AM SENIOR REVOLUTION AND WILL BRING REVOLUTION FIRE MUD SAND DUST STORM. I CHALLENGE HIM TO COME TO ‘PINDI FOR SCREAMING DUEL!’

According to reports, both the leaders were now honing their natural screaming talents for the possible duel. Bilawal announced on his Twitter account that he could even out-scream and out-shout Dr. Danish and Jasmine Manzoor and that Rashid is no match to his screaming: ‘HE IS A FRUSTRATED OLD HAG! I SHALL SCREAM UNTIL THE HAG GOES DEAF!’ Bilawal Tweeted.

Adding: ‘JEEEEAAAAYY BHUUUUUUTTTTTTTOOO …!!!!’ until he ran out of his 140 characters on Twitter.

But reports also suggest that Rashid is not too worried by Bilawal’s bravado. Talking to a TV anchor he said: ‘Daikhaaaain … it all depending on what one saying while screaming and shouting and cheeekhing …’

When asked what he meant, he suddenly changed his tone and voice and began to shout innovative curses in Urdu, Punjabi, Sindhi, Pushtu and Chinese: ‘&&%$$#@#$$$%%^&&**^%%$#@@ …!!!’

Then smiling, he asked: ‘Now, will he be able to match THIS? Hee hee.’

There were no Tweets from Bilawal after this.

Rashid in innovative lingo mode. Something that makes his supporters very proud.

Munwar Hassan says polio eradication is a western ploy to eradicate Pakistan

Mansura: According to former Amir of the Jamat-i-Islami (JI), Munawar Hassan, the polio eradication program in Pakistan was a diabolic ploy of western governments to eradicate Pakistan.

He was talking at a local hotel in Mansura to a group of men and women who had been attacked by extremists for trying to administer polio drops to children.

He told the gathering that the attack on them was understandable because the polio drops that they were trying to administer had chemicals that impede the physical growth of Pakistani children.

Mr. Hassan shows the healthy effects of Ovaltine on him.

‘But you all are innocent,’ he added. ‘You didn’t know what the government and the NGOs were giving you. But the NGOs knew what the Americans, the British, the Russians and the Fijians were giving to them to give to our children. So now that you know, I’d suggest you all mix the polio drops that you have with some Ovaltine so when the children take it they can then grow up to become strong, muscular, handsome and brilliant … like me, for example.’

The audience was left shocked and complained that many of them had been attacked. Why, some asked, was Mr. Hassan talking to them like this and what proof did he have of what he was claiming.

Mr Hassan hailed the days when children were given Ovaltine instead of polio drops.

The commotion left Mr. Hassan feeling agitated and angry and he threatened to leave the gathering. ‘But that’s what we want!’ someone shouted.

‘In that case,’ said Hassan, ‘I won’t!’ Then he began to speak again: ‘When I was your age, we were only given Ovaltine. Pakistani children grew up strong, brave, muscular and brilliant. We were ready to make Pakistan the epicenter of faith from which our rule would mushroom and spread all over the world. But polio drops sabotaged our destiny. It made our children weak!’

When told by a lady in the audience that polio crippled children, Hassan responded by saying, ‘no, lack of Ovaltine did that!’

The lady replied that Ovaltine was a Western brand. ‘Nonsense!’ shouted Hassan. ‘It’s a North-Western brand that is technically not Western in essence.’

By now much of the audience had left the hall and media reports suggest that JI’s current Amir, Sirajul Haq, asked his party men to come up with a solution to keep Hassan in a quiet state of retirement.

But Mr. Hassan refused to comply until he got an email from Siraj. Mr. Hassan then suddenly left the hall and promised to keep quiet.

Some media personnel managed to get hold of the email that suddenly made Mr. Hassan wrap-up his speech and go home. The email read: ‘Dear brother, please comply, otherwise no Ovaltine for you.’

Modi visits a Star Trek convention

San Francisco: After India was successful in launching a space probe to Mars, Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, was expecting an invitation from America’s leading space research agency NASA.

It is said that the invitation was ready but NASA quietly backed out after Modi claimed that all creation, civilization and scientific knowledge emerged 2 million years ago from his village in Vadnagar in India’s Mehsana district.

To save Modi from facing the embarrassment of not being invited to speak at NASA, the agency managed to get one of America’s largest Star Trek fan clubs to invite Modi to a Star Trek convention in San Francisco.

Modi travelled to the convention dressed as a Vulcan elder and was warmly welcomed by Star Trek fans (Trekkies). He was congratulated for launching India into the space age and asked to be the main speaker at the convention.

Modi speaking at the Star Trek convention.

In his speech, Modi thanked the organisers and told them that in a previous life he was a Klingon but then evolved into becoming a Vulcan.

‘This (Vulcan wisdom) helped me become the Prime Minster.’ But he hastily added, ‘however, even when I was a Klingon, I achieved a lot through Klingon bravery and eradicated the leading enemies of the Alpha Quadrant: the Indian Muslims … that is, the evil Romulans.’

Modi then went on to say how, as a child, he learned all his science from the original Star Trek series that was first conceived and filmed in his village in Vadnagar.

Modi got a warm and enthusiastic round of applause from men and women dressed like aliens when he announced that he would love to audition for the role of the older, wiser Kirk in the next Star Trek film: ‘William Shatner won’t be able to pull it off anymore. He’s too fat. Even though he grew up with me in Vadnagar, I believe I can do a better job playing Kirk. Because after all, I too come from a place from where all creation, civilization scientific knowledge and Star Trek emerged.’

He left the audience smiling when he said that he was not looking forward to the long flight back home. But then, striking a serious tone, he claimed that had he been in Vadnagar, he would have been able to use an ancient transporter that could have simply beamed him up.

Thanking the audience again, he said he would be hosting a Star Trek convention in Vadnagar soon: ‘I invite you all there. I also plan to invite Stephen Hawking who was born in Vadnagar but unfortunately left after he was attacked and left paralysed by the evil Romulans …’

When the audience let out a ripple of endearing laughter, Modi remained somber and said: ‘I’m serious …’

Disappointed, he flew back to India.