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PrintDISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.
In September 2012, a 15-year-old school girl from Pakistan’s Swat valley was reported to have been shot in the face and head by a Taliban activist.
The attack caused outrage around the world and the news was given widespread coverage in the local and international media.
Malala was reported to have barely survived after doctors in Pakistan and then England performed multiple surgeries on her face and head.
Today Malala lives in the UK and has repeatedly vowed to continue working for the cause of women’s education in Pakistan, especially in those areas of the country where extremists and militant outfits are said to have been blowing up girls’ schools.
But this is just one side of the whole story. The narrative about what really happened on the day Malala was allegedly shot has mostly been weaved by the Western media.
In April this year, Dawn.com sent a group of its most seasoned reporters to Swat to undertake an intensive five-month investigation of the event. Their collective findings unearthed a series of some stunning disclosures (with evidence) that are bound to affectively challenge the mainstream narrative of the Malala story.
The following are the major findings of the investigation:
• Malala was not born in Swat and neither is she a Pushtun. A respected medical doctor in Swat, Imtiaz Ali Khanzai, who runs a private hospital and clinic in Swat told our reporters that he has a DNA report that proves that Malala is not Pushtun.
Showing us the report, he said he extracted Malala’s DNA when as a child she visited his clinic (with her parents) complaining of an earache.
“After she was supposedly shot last year, I remembered I had a bottle where I had kept some of her earwax,” the doctor explained. “Collecting earwax of my patients is a hobby of mine,” he added.
He went on to claim that according to the DNA, Malala is a Caucasian, most probably from Poland.
After the discovery, the doctor called Malala’s father and told him that he knew who Malala was. “
“He was stunned and began to stutter,” the doctor said. “He pleaded that I did not make my findings public. I told him I wouldn’t but only if he told me the whole truth.”
Malala’s father told the doctor that Malala’s real name was Jane and she was born in Hungary in 1997. Her real biological parents were Christian missionaries who, after traveling to Swat in 2002, left Malala as a gift to her adopted parents after they secretly converted to Christianity.
When our reporters asked the doctor why he was revealing Malala’s real identity now, he said he was convinced that Malala was planted in Swat by anti-Pakistan elements.
He then added that he can also prove that the young man who shot her was not a Pushtun either. “I have his earwax as well,’ he claimed.
After extracting the DNA of the shooter’s earwax, the doctor discovered that he was probably from Italy. He then invited our reporters to look at the man’s earwax under a microscope.
“Those tiny yellow bits that you see in the wax are bits of pizza,” he explained.
The doctor told us that in January 2012 he emailed his findings to some senior members of Pakistan’s intelligence agency, the ISI.
After a few days his clinic was raided by the police. He was in Saudi Arabia at the time collecting earwax samples of some members of the Saudi royal family. His staff at the clinic was harassed by the police who wanted to know where he kept the earwax samples.
In June this year, the doctor was visited by a young ISI officer who apologised to him about the police raid and told him that the ISI were well aware of Malala’s real identity. After much coaxing on our part, the doctor eventually gave us the cell phone number of the ISI officer.
However, the officer kept refusing to talk to us but finally relented on the condition that we refer to him as ‘Master X’.
Master X met one of our reporters at an abandoned girls’ school in lower Swat. To hide his face, the officer wore a Spiderman mask.
Talking to the reporter he said: “This had to come out one day. And I just couldn’t let myself continue to keep such a dangerous secret hidden. I am a true patriot.”
He then added: ‘My father once told me, ‘Peter, with great power comes great responsibility’.’
His revelations led us to our next shocking discovery (with evidence):
• Malala’s shooting was staged by intelligence agencies. The officer told the reporter that the whole shooting incident was a stunt planned by Pakistani and US agencies to pave the way for the Pakistani army’s invasion of North Waziristan: “It was all a drama,” he explained. “It was staged so the Pakistan army would have an excuse to invade North Waziristan.”
When asked why he was using the word ‘invasion’ when North Waziristan was a part of Pakistan, the officer replied: “North Waziristan is an autonomous Islamic Emirates. It has been like that for centuries. But our history books distort the facts and teach our children that it is part of Pakistan. The area has unimaginable amounts of oil, gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds, gas and fossilised dinosaur remains underneath its rugged grounds. That’s what the Americans are after.”
Our reporter then asked whether he had any evidence to prove his claim.
The officer pulled out a few photographs and showed it to the reporter. The photographs showed a few bones. “Dinosaur bones,” he explained.
He added: “These were excavated in North Waziristan by the archaeology division of the Taliban. After they were studied by the geology division of the Taliban, it had traces of oil, gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds and gas.”
What about the evidence proving that the shooting was staged by American and Pakistani agencies?
Pulling out a piece of paper, the officer said: “This is the evidence. It was decoded by the Taliban’s division of quantum physics.”
The paper had screen shots of a brief exchange of tweets on Twitter between one ‘Lib Fish’ and ‘Oil Gul.’
The officer said that Lib Fish was actually a CIA operative based in Qatar and Oil Gul was an ISI sleuth on Twitter based in Lahore. The exchange was intercepted and decoded by one ‘Tsunami Mommy’ who is based in Swabi in the Khyber Pakhtunkwa province in Pakistan and is an engineer by profession.
We are publishing the Twitter exchange between Lib Fish and Oil Gul that was provided to us by the officer:
@LibFish Yo, @OilGul, how goes life?
@OilGul Life’s kool, mate.
@LibFish @OilGul Any chance of visiting Qatar soon?
@OilGul @LibFish Haha. Soon after I’m done with my O level exams. They suck.
@LibFish @OilGul Haha. Yea, they do, don’t they?
The officer told us that Tsunami Mommy jumped in after he realised what was taking place:
@Tsunami_Mommy Agents! I know what you two do. Anti-Islam anti-Pakistan bastaaas. @OilGul @LibFish
@OilGul Dude, who are you? Why are you trolling us?
@Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli …
The officer said he used famous Pakistani linguist and WW-II code-breaker, Mustansar Hussain Tarar, to decode the suspicious Twitter exchange and that is when he discovered that the CIA and the ISI were planning the fake shooting.
He also gave the reporter the manuscript of the book that Tsunami Mommy was writing on the shooting after piecing together the evidence (with evidence) provided by the doctor, the officer and Mustansar Hussain Tarar.
The book’s title will be ‘A Fake Shooting of a Fake Liberal by a Fake Liberal, You Bastaaas.’
Below is the brief summary of what the manuscript claims:
October 1, 1997: Malala is born to Hungarian parents in Budapest and named Jane.
October 4, 2002: The parents are recruited by the CIA and given a crash course in evangelical Christianity, hypnosis and karate.
October 7, 2003: They land in Pakistan and head for Swat posing as NGO workers. They get in touch with a low-level ISI agent, and convert the family to Christianity, leaving Jane with him. He changes her name to Malala and instils in her the fear of Jesus.
October 30, 2007: Malala starts to write a blog that asks the militants of Swat to put down their weapons, pick up a Bible and boogie.
October 21, 2011: The militants request her to stop writing her evangelical blogs and finish her homework instead.
October 1, 2012: CIA recruits a Pashtu speaking Italian-American loner (Robert) living in New York and gives him a crash course in gun-slinging and acting.
October 7, 2012: CIA shares plan of Malala’s fake shooting with the ISI. The ISI agrees and gives Malala and her parents a briefing.
October 11, 2012: The Italian-America arrives in Swat posing as an Uzbek homeopath.
October 12, 2012: Robert is given a gun that is loaded with blanks. He intercepts Malala’s school van and fires blanks at her. She pretends to be hit and squeeze opens a small pack of Mitchel’s Tomato Ketchup she is hiding in one of her hands and rubs the ketchup all over her face. A fake ambulance suddenly arrives on the scene and takes away Malala. The world is told that she was shot in the face and head by a Taliban fanatic.
The story that ran in the media quoted Malala’s friends in the van saying that the gunman asked for Malala and then shot her.
But the officer shared with us the testimony of one of Malala’s friends that was repressed by vested interests in the media.
According to the testimony, a man stopped the van and shouted (in Pashtu), ‘who is Jane … I mean, Jeanette … no, Alberta Joan Lucas?’
The girls looked at each other in confusion and the driver was about to drive away when the gunman pulled out a gun and started to shout: ‘Uno momento, un momento …’
Then looking at a girl he asked: ‘You lookin’ at me?’ At which Malala threw down her school bag and shouted (in Italian): ‘No you idiot, I AM lookin’ at you. Malala, Malala, remember? Fool.’
Saying, ‘Oh,’ he shot her (with the blanks).
• The girl that the media was shown in the hospital was not Malala. The officer shared with us some photographs to prove this. He first showed us a video (on his iPhone) that he shot hours after the shooting. It shows Malala joyfully bungee jumping on the hills near River Swat.
Then the officer informed us that the doctor had the earwax samples of the girl in the hospital. When we contacted the doctor again and asked what the samples proved he said that the DNA he extracted from the sample suggests that the girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow.
He said he had managed to sneak into the operating room (posing as a postman) and while he was secretly drawing out earwax from the girl’s ears, he managed to take a picture of the girl with his Nokia phone.
‘I came back and was shocked when I enlarged the picture,’ he said.
He then gave us a printout of the picture …
We believe there is now enough evidence for Pakistan and the international community to have a serious re-look at the Malala story and demand that the United Nations orders a full investigation into the matter.
—DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.
Comments (509) Closed
We live on conspiracies and have perfected the art of denial. It is never us, period.
The inability of Pakistani to accept that there is something seriously wrong with how we understand reality is the cause of our sorry state of affairs
This is utterly hilarious :)
This is a conspiracy! I demand that the clear picture of the pillow with the bullet wound be released to the public under the freedom of information act.
hahahahah nice movie... I enjoyed with POP CORNS>.......
Lets talk some facts here, Malala is a courageous young woman but how much stronger her story would be if she had been left to speak for herself without the backing of Edelman the world's biggest PR company based in US but with a branch in UK... She didn't need them... She has been "branded" already by the west and I find that very sad! Neither did she need a former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown out to sell his "for profit" schools who doesn't give a fig for gender justice in the UK.. She is being exploited now as a commodity of the west...
What an amazing piece of satire! NFP, you are indeed man of many talents. You should however, separate your historical writings and clearly identify satire, otherwise, this may be quoted as an actual investigation on some stupid blogs which promote conspiracy theories. It is indeed disgusting to read the type of crap that is being propagated about the poor 14-15 year old girl. I just wish her all the best and great success in her cause to bring education to all the girls of her native land.
Good way to share a serious doubt about Jane, i mean the ex jane or i mean the mala lala or whatever...
Another one of those straight-faced satires by NFP that some idiots are bound to take seriously. But it is them that he satirizes. Win, win.
Loved it.
No one parodies conspiracy theorists as hilariously and sharply as NFP. Another good one.
you are going to be soooo sorry if it is all correct ;)
whatever!!!!!. still believe that Ms. M is agent of MI6 :) and if u all people are so wisheee about her they y not for Dr Afia, she is also a lady, Muslim, Pakistani.
I have come to know how important earwax is to reveal someone identity.
@asim: Are you by any chance the officer with the Spider-Man mask in this article?
@Rabia: I agree. Just saw someone taking it literally on facebook. Hahaha. It's like NFP's 'Terrorist arrested in Murree' satire. Just can't understand how can one miss the satire and actually take it seriously. Haha.
So apt ....especially the Tsunami Mommy. @Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli
so DNA does actually work. Ironically just not for the inmates in jails especially in US who are wrongfully accused!!!! LOL.
NFP doesn't know the whole story. The fact is that she had herself shot in the head to blame the innocent Taliban whose only crime is to behead people or to blow them up. That was her way to get out of the country and escape the benovalent rule of the Taliban. She is a clever girl.
..nice story.
Awesome man simply awesome an satirical targeted against attackers of #Malala, your a genius Nadeem my man.
Well it looks like it has been wrote in a hurry however Malala's story is dubious there are thousands of girls and boys in Pakistan who are more brave than Malala no body ever cared about them.......Some day may be after 2 or 3 decades the real story of Malala will be revealed may be another Snowden by that time may appear.
Writer of this Blog is actually giving example of Pakistani conspiracy theory master's thinking ... Nice funny Blog... laughing to read it :D
way to accuse maynard from the tool band to be the guy behind shooting malala :(
Decline and fall of everyone ....
So those Tsunami Mommys who used to post random videos on social media titled
Phew... for a moment I thought it was a serious piece. Good read and an important message. Thanks. @Tsunami_mommy :)
By knowing these facts, still no action ?
@asim: One is a child merely speaking up for the right to get an education... the other has a more dubious history and connections (to say the least)
Hahahahah awesome specially this one @Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli. great NFP loved it.
One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan... haha... so humans and dinosaurs are same now.
NFP........hahahahaha........aala.....
People just check this website.......NFP you rock.....
love you, Mr Paracha.. your 'research' ROCKS!!!
The best way to show truth to those who read codes .. Good job bro ..
@Muzaffar: No kidding. Really?
An effort to refute any anti malala article
looks like paracha's brain was seriously trolled by tsunami_mommy. will he ever be able to write something not related to Tsunami? i doubt.
Well played, sir. Well played.
Same show her as angel and some portray her as devil, I think Pakistani media needs to have an open interview of her with live calls of people to clarify few things.
Its good to see that DAWN.com still has a sense of humor. This is without a doubt the funniest fiction in a major news outlet I have read in a long time. The ear wax Dr. in SWAT is quite the accomplished scientist. I am sure the Saudi royal family is proud to have him in their ears. HA HA HA. Even when the TTP admit to shooting her and still wanting to kill this child its still a conspiricy by the government.
stunning isn't it.
really
@Qaiser: Agreed fully.
Earwax... Hahahaha
Great and funny article yet again by Nadeem Paracha. well done. Yes I know Pakistanis love conspiracy theories. some ideots are convinced that all this was staged!!
I always said from the start that "This is a drama that deserves an Oscar but no one believed me. All the western fanfare is indicative of the fact that Malala is a western agent. She was never shot at, never suffered any injuries and is playing fool with Pakistan and our fame-hungry media.
wow taliban have an archeology divison and a quantum division too...ooohhhh.....that's convincing....
@sabeeh omer: This is SATIRE, bimbo. Seriously, are you people this dumb?
@Khalid: you are an ideot Khalid, who is living in conspiracy theories!! you will never play your part in imroving any one's life as you dont seems to get it!
the Taliban division of Quantum Physics...if only..
when i read your articles and the comments on it, why i am reminded of the story of the 'Pied Piper".
@asim: there is no comparison!! Malala is champion of education just 16 yeras old. Afia is a grown up woman from Karachi, captured in Afghanistan, who took up gun to fire at people. please keep things in perspective!
I just posted this article on twitter! Its getting a lot of play. I hope Malala reads it. Laughter is the best medicine. It appears that the biggest TTP enemy is a smart educated female. We should drop 5,000 smart women into SWAT... seriously! It will be more effective than bombs?
Hahaha... NFP great..i really cant stop laugh while reading. i bow to ur comedy chemistry, great job.
Ridiculous, ludicrous piece of blogging and journalism.
@AHA: Very well said and 100% agree. you have hit the nail on the head
well sams like a fabricated funny story I enjoyed it !!!!
Stunning... Wao.. Maza A gya..
This is for the first time, i am disappointed to what you(NFP) wrote.. today the pen is speaking someone else's language... sorry to say, i have trusted that at least there are some people who speak their soul instead of what they are directed to wrote... you were one of those... anyway, "facts are sacred, comments are free".....
@sabeeh omer: You are a genius really.. where you got your grey cells from?
what kind of humour is this? weaving an end less story ,meaning less as it is, goes on and on,start getting headache. hope don't have to go to the doctor in Swat to get my DNA extracted.
lol ...NFP, u kill me
he he ... ha ha... ho ho... NFP you made my day... keep the articles coming. much appreciated....
This right here is great journalism and a shout out to all those debbie downers and nay sayers who refuse to give that little kid the respect for the awareness she has brought to the plight of women in a radical muslim countr that loves to play the victim card.
hahahahahaah hilarous article
hahahahahaah hilarous article
had lot of fun while reading the research by Paracha sb... thank you for your research... hhahahaha, Paracha had nice critic for malala's haters.... onething more, Paracha is one of the bigest ever supporter of Malala... finest piece of satire ever read
What an odd piece of writing. Published by DAWN only because NFP wrote it :-)
This is a piece of art or something. I loved reading the satire and esp the comments. Granted there is a lot of humor in it, i must say I laughed @ the following points: - Peter - "One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan."... looking at the picture, I see all human skulls. Love it. - Archaeology, geology and quantum physics divisions of Taliban.... lol - Mustansar Hussain Tarar.... another lol - pick up a Bible - Pashtu speaking Italian-American loner (Robert) - Love the picture: The fake gunman moments before taking a flight to Pakistan - Reemphasis on 'with evidence' - Mitchel
Nadeem , blessed was the moment when, some good girl gave birth of you. Remember I am not an Arabi neither an Al Khajoor, but a PUNJABI, two generation back a proud SIKH.therefore I pray to my Khuda to always look after you. Jeonda Raho Parachiaa.
Pashtoo saying"v ku zan mashahoray nu jumat k ........ uka". nice suspense drama...
@Khalid: What stops you from celebrating a Pakistani that is showing the entire world that we want peace, education and equality and that the image the world has of Pakistan is distorted. Malala is an inspiration, I am continuously amazed by her dignity & poise. I don't know a single 16 year old that has the ability to talk as she does despite everything she's been through. She is a credit to her parents and I'd be proud if my daughter can speak as she does when she gets to 16.
Celebrate one of the few Pakistanis worth celebrating - please.
your article wasted my presious time.HUH!
It is AWESOME, all the way from Robert DeNiro in TAXI, to the woman bungee jumping in Australia, to the Qtips and that fat WWF wrestler and the funniest is the Taliban sponsored institute of genetics. I will ask my physician about collecting my ear-wax for the future generation. Had Moin Akhter been alive, he would have made a beautiful skit out of this story.
My God...what Satire. Wonderful to read. A slap in the face of apologists......
@sabeeh omer:
Even greater joy was reading your ridiculous comment ... amazing. You guys are really extraordinary.
Well done NFP. Excellent Satire.
I didn't find it that funny , was wayward and far fetched from the actual happenings :)
@Masood Hussain: Masood This is not humour. It is a serious fact. I am surprised you are taking it as a joke. Dear. Facts can never be jokes. SK
NFK. Amazing Writeup. Its crazy funny & ironically truth as well.. It beggars believe when prople doubt on everything in this country even when its a fact. I think these doubters would doudbt even of their existence and them being human beings..
it seems like a brand campaign for mitchels, nokia and apple rather than a true story. What kind of a sick doctor collects ear wax :s and the wax sample was of a Caucasian girl, agreed, but what is the proof that matches with Malala. Police officer showed pictures of dinosaurs(looks like human skeleton to me. I am not a fan of Malala and what you are saying might be true but this evidence is not sufficient
Nadeem Paracha you are a genius!!
did you know that jesus and hitler were pakistanis... i know that cause i delivered them 'pizza' and never got a tip
My father once told me,
I had to use Qtips to clear out MY earwax to believe this story. Does the Dr. want DNA from earwax too...? Great read. Thanks for making me giggle at work.
This is by far the most succinct and coherent narrative I've heard about this whole matter.
Breaking news. Fazlullah aka Mulla Radio who arranged for the assasination of Malala, and was hiding in Afghanistan under Karzai protection, was killed by Afghan Taliban. BBC confirms it.
Good satire! You had me for a minute. Malala is a wonderful hero for young people and in fact, for anyone who believes in human freedom.
I knew it..
This is your story and you are sticking with it. LOL!
Oh NFP you sir are awesome, you just made my day. Hahaha Lol
It is not true that Jane's parents were Christian missionaries. Actually they were Zionists disguised as Christian missionaries.
So the truth is finally coming out. I always said Malala is western-hindo creation with the only aim to malign the image of Pakistan. I demand the authority to expose all those behind this. The conspirators are working hard to destroy us. I demand our army to launch operation to round them up.
I don't know what's funnier, NFP's immaculate article or the fact that half of my social media circle has taken it seriously. Awesome piece as usual!
Chah gahey ho nadeem sb.....excellent...finally v got to smile out of our daily pakistani crap...
good humor
Nadeem Paracha and his team very funny...Please show me the place in swat where Malala used to go for bungee jumping....
@Yawar Please focus on the forth pic...you will get the answer :)
Also heard that Malala has been offered a role in a Bollywood film.
@sabeeh omer: you are an idiot
Robert De Niro in taxi driver
@Masood Hussain: It's a Satire you idiot.
Ironic.. !
But Malala still remains the only human to live after having a bullet in her head at Point-Blank range....
My father once told me,
If you have so many evidence why didn't you guys posted them on the article? Its hard to believe without seeing the real evidence..at least release them to the world so the world would know that Pakistan is not the bad Guy her
LOL, I have to admit you got me for a while. I read the first few sentences and was fuming unless I realized hilarity of it. Well done
WOW. This is better than than the Onion. You sure have a creative mind.
Most of the fools will consider this story as a real one... Great Job
I knew the moment I saw the picture of the said I.S.I agent that it was a fake story. I know the said agent personally and he never uses the spider man mask for his interviews. He uses the batman mask because it fits better over his beard.
N.F.P, you should check your "evidence" before spreading false stories.
In the testimony of one of Malala's friend's in the van, it says that Malala spoke in Italian. If she spoke in Italian how did that child know what Malala was saying?
rfff
Agar Ye Itna Hi Sach hai to International Media Ko Bataona HAHAHAHAHAHAHa
@Khalid: tsunami mommy detected right here
Hilarious! brilliant! The evidence is undeniable. ..hahaha
@asim: another tsunami mommy here.. Malala is hero while Aafia is zero
Nadeem F Paracha, how can a fake liberal speak against the fake liberals.Strange.. xD
MR. NFP
When you are going to wake up?
There is atleast some truth regarding certain conspiracy theories that are going on. It is not about the so-called human remnants = dinosaur fossils (as made up per yourself)
See the following links that may wake you up:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9/11Truthmovement http://www.911truth.org/ http://www.ae911truth.org/news/41-articles/344-building-7-implosion-the-smoking-gun-of-911.html
Let me know if you need any additional info.
@Hamid: Are you joking or you have an IQ problem i understanding this article?
@m5: You didnt understand the article m5 :)
Wah sain wah, kya likha he ap ne. infact i took it seriously but when i saw a Pathan wearing spider man then i realized it was funny. haaaaa, V. good
This is a malicious write up from NFP although I have been a fan of his previous satirical write ups. I think this one is intended to instil confusion in peoples' minds in differentiating facts from fiction of this whole drama. The fact remain as it is that Malala's is a very foolishly and heinously orchestrated saga from the west just to weigh the mental stature and intellectual strength of the Pakistani people who very gladly buy this story. One Lawrance of Arabia was installed in Palestine and now many more are active in Pakistani society to corrupt their minds. Muslims in general and Pakistanis in particular have always been looking for Angels to solve their problems of their own making and always have happily fallen prey to some Iblees. They do realise their mistakes but it is always too late and not without getting long lasting physical and spiritual wounds. But their enemies always get doses of happiness when these Angel-lookers are out again to search for new angels to solve their new set-backs. Great going. Isn't it?
@Zia : The place actually is situated in nearby Murree hills.It was temporarily shifted to Sawat for Malala (Jane) to practice bungee jumping.It was lost on the way when they were bringing it back after the mission was accomplished
And yes, having DNA of the shooter is EPIC... Really??? You gotta be kidding man.....
Malala deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. NFP deserves the Nobel for literary satire !!
nod for the wise and rod for the otherwise! that's all that i have to say!
hahahha this is hilarious
@Ayesha: then you need to grow up and read more!
@Adnan Mohmand: A Stupid friend of mine on Facebook shared the Urdu version of this story, in which he claimed this story as a real one. LOL
@Zia : To me that bungee jumping looks like a young blond woman.
@rafik sindhi : sub fake tha
You people swing from Malala to Salala. Both are gift to you from Allah, America and Army
This is Really Funny ................ After extracting the DNA of the shooter
@David Warner: Fool , if she would have died then you wouldn't have heard about her in first place. She is famous because she survived the heinous shooting while working for a noble cause
I dnt knw wat to say but its hilarious... very well said...
Initially I was about to say WTF , ear wax and DNA but later realized that it was another hilarious article by Mr N. F. Paracha.
@Jasim: May be you are right. there are few points suggesting this.
My God, are you BRILLIANT or what? Loved the piece. I must admit I was completely sold up until the picture of the ear buds popped up. For those with tedious brain cells - please Google the word 'satire'. NFP, I'm very happy God made you and sent you to us. Kudos.
And that was DJ Fazalullah of Mullah Radio signing off for the last time with the track..'Born in the USA' by Bruce Springsteen.
This is sheer joy from Nadeem F. Paracha....LOL...cant help my laugh....God....he made my day
@Hamid: Idiot!!! do you have an IQ of -30. It is a Satire! But i am sure you wouldn't know what that is!
hmm ..Malala and DNA tests ...nice mix... ek teer se do shikaar
@David Warner: Well there is Gabrielle Giffords for one. Have you not heard of her? Which planet do you live on?
@Bilal Tahir: Would you kindly remove the welding goggles from your face and re-read the article? Thanks!
Ear wax contains very few cells. It is mainly complex carbohydrates and other waste materials. The lack of cells makes it nearly impossible to isolate DNA from ear wax
@s khan: agree with u...such a funny story
o pagalon uau satire hai.....kia qaum hai yay
That's a fabulous piece of information.... Our blind awaam needs to know who the hell Malala AKA Jane is.... (Y)
@Shahid Pervez: You are also a conspiracy theorist like most of Pakistanis, who thins it's never their fault!!!!
@David Warner: No fool there are other people that have survived, you just don't know it
@Qaiser: Totally agree, you are so right. Well said
well, the things are explained at last.. under the banner of a Big Group of media.. Here we go.. Malala identity is now in the sight of ours and of curse, we Pakistani so much hate her that cant be mentioned!
@Bilal Tahir: U dint understand the article idiot !
Hahahah! Thank You Piracha ! This will be a good add up to the Alf Layla commonly known as Arabian Nights (1001 Nights) in the west.
how calmly wrote a fiction which actually have hidden logics..well wrote Sir.
Nice piece, after reading the comments below, i can safely say that this nation is ready to disown the soon to be InshaAllah noble prize winne of Pakistan, like they did with Dr. Abdus Salam, because to become a hero in this country, you either have to be a mumtaz qadri or a napoloen gul.
seriously I read whole article and made the conclusion its a gr8 hollywood agent base story -_-
Godammit NFP What an article! Ha ha ... Loved it. May Allah truly bless you. Amen.
looks like a bollywood Masala movie! I enjoyed it!! ;)
@David Warner: Your ignorance is obvious. Just for your information google James Brady.
ROFL
This is a LOL story but yeah nice try
@Shahid Pervez: pakistan has "intellectual strength"? good to know
@kiran: Are you for real?
This is satire. Please. Don't ruin it for us.
@Shahid Pervez: You may be one of the staunch apologists who these days have nothing to do except maligning the little innocent girl. Why it is hard for u to digest the glory that she has attained. There r two categories of people against Malala. One, those who r jealous; two, those r affiliated to a party that has confused the whole nation about taliban & terrorism. Their govt in KP has been cowrdly & submissively silent on their acts of barbarity as there r strict instructions from the one-and-the-only, the authoriatative IK, running a one man show.
.....and you do know that you are voicing the thoughts of many Pakistanis and that's what makes this write up even more hilarious.
@Shahid Pervez: Hate bungee jumping, eh?
Are u kidding??
@Khalid: Perhaps after 2 or 3 decades when Taliban have dragged Pakistan back to Stone Age and finished off English-speaking Taliban sympathisers like yourself then you can reflect on why on earth an educated person like yourself ever supported uncivilized Neanderthals.
I have 3 observations:
1) The QTips are much too big for a child ear. 2) You wasted the precious Dijon Mustered for nothing. 3) Watch out Robert De Niro may be coming after you - I heard him on FOX News saying "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the xxxx do you think you're talking to?
HAHAHA. NFP has outdone himself once again. SERIOUSLY funny. The twitter exchange was just amazing. Absolutely great job. I am now convinced that after Malala Yousufzai, Nadeem F. Paracha is one of the only saving graces of Pakistan. Keep up the great work man!
LOL! I have not laughed this hard in a long time :p Please I would like to read more :D This is a Slap on the face of everyone that has been b***ing about Malala :)
Good one Mr Paracha...in fact hilarious..
I dont think so that these all facts are true.While reading this article,I felt at a moment that i am reading a novel. I could not make up my mind to think about it as a matter of fact. It was just like a story which is well written by NFP. Sudden end make me felt that to be continued.....in next episode.Hahahahaha..
@Bilal Tahir: What a fool you are,you thing its real story?I assume you are not illiterate because you wrote few lines in English,you are just an idiot,aren't you?
Dog gone crazy.
@Muzaffar: Forth picture ? and where can I find it ?
@Fizza: Giggle at work, or google at work ?
???? ?????: ?? ?? ??? ??? ????? ?? ?? ?? ????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ???
This is the joke of the century....
Dr "hobby to collect earwax" are you nutts?
THIS IS A JOKE IN CASE NARROW MINDED PAKISTANIS TAKE IT SERIOUS AND START RUMORS AS ALWAYS
The article raises more questions than it answers. Q1. Uno Momento is Spanish and not Italian. Was Malala learning Spanish also? Q2. Would ISI agent be covering his face and not his stomach? Q3. Was Malala party to the scheme? Q4 Did her father not know that a blank can kill someone from point blank range? Q5 .Would a father subject his daughter to a scheme like this? Q6 Did the conspiracy start in 2002 by CIA to make Pakistan attack North Waziristan? Q7 Would a junior ISI cause an attack by Pakistan army on Noeth Waziristan? Q8 Would a 12 or 13 years girl sacrifice herself to cuase an attack on Noeth Waziristan? Q9 Where is the place in Swat wher there are bungee jums held? Q10 Was Malala fluent in Italian when she came fron Poland, the assassin from Italy? Q11 Did the assassin know Spanish? Q12 Was the doctor such a dummy that he could not tell a dummy from a human being? Q13 Where were the Hospital Staff? Q14 Even if this was a conspiracy, and Malala was hit by a blank as we all know,and was hurt as we all know,what was the idea of transporting a pillow in the ambulance? Were the crew of ambulance and hospital all part of the conspiracy?
"Well, a good one. Now we are waiting to read a similar 007 kind of story about Afia Siddiqui. They say she was a terrorist who tried to kill the defenders of the earth, the saviours of the universe, the great Americans of course. Since she was a scientist, they have the evidence that she very successfully made an-iron-man-kind-of supercostume in the caves of Afganistan. (the idea of Iron Man actually came after the invention of Afia siddiqui). She was planning to attack the Pantagon with that technology and deadly weapon of hers, alongwith her kids and an infant. (the kids were later found to be real "spy kids"). We dying to read from u Paracha sahab, a similar wonderful story, we are waiting for a great action movie, if you could help the Hollywood with the script writing. "
Humor apart..I saw Malala's interview with Jon Stewart.
She is wise beyond her years!
" I used to ask myself as what I would do if I were to confront the Taliban-Well,I would throw a throw a shoe if the Talib were to come for me-If I hit the Talib with a shoe,I would not be different from him-so,I would point out the importance of education,and I would wish it for your children too! Now,do what you want!
I think she "did a Mahatma Gandhi" there. I will settle issues without violence and dialogue!
Good luck,Malala..once in a while,on this planet a rare germination among billions of humans does take place and these precious beings bring about the much needed difference in our lives!
Mr. Nadeem I think you just got up after nap. Talibaan are beasts of Modern times.
Mr Paracha r u sure it was Mitchell's tomato ketchup and not Ahmed ?
Malala was left by alien spacecraft that landed in swat....alien conspired
For a moment I thought , I was reading a real news article!! Come the Pizza part, I was like, "WHAT?!" Then when you mentioned Spiderman Mask, I realized it was a satirical piece!! God!! NFP you had almost shattered some of my views there!..
LOL.....I have lived in Poland.....Malala does not look a bit Polish ..... ROFL :))
@m5: Article is funny... but really had a great chuckle at m5's comments.... priceless!
BRILLIANT!
Enjoyable chandookhana gossip. Very funny NFP.
All this shady reporting based solely on what sounds like a made up doctor. He collects patients' ear wax? Furthermore, all of this to discredit a young girl who is trying to bring Pakistan out of the dark ages. Instead of thanking her, let's put all of the effort possible into making her a white polish christian, because that will discredit her whole story. Beside the point that she looks as much Polish as Imran Khan looks Tamil (i know quite a few polish folks). This just makes me sad. Pakistanis are always trying to shift blame to somewhere else. Whether it be to Indians, Jews, Americans or just the West. Let's admit Pakistan has problems that Pakistanis created (pakistani taliban) and let's eradicate these problems. Malala makes me proud to be of Pakistani origin, I wish someday Pakistan can do the same.
@Shahid Pervez: You need to study the history of middle east crisis before you simply put all the blame on smartness of Lawrance of Arabia and give Arabs free out of jail card, please strat with "Belfour declaration". Based on your arguments I don't know who to blame Smartness of West or Stupidity of Pakistanis.
I really like the Al Paccino version. The ear-wax. Too funny.
Looking at the number of comments people still have some doubts about Mallala story.One of them is the expediency with which they did a brain surgery in Peshawar.After that she was whisked away to CMH in Rawalpindi.Anyway its a funny write as its pretty hard to detect a race from DNA.
@Adnan Mohmand: You are right.A stupid Admin of some Jahaz tv has already started propagating it as evidence against Malala
Dear NFP, please remember that conspiracies are the only weapon that the disempowered have.
Is the doctor being charged for stealing ear wax without permission? Which DNA gene is the Pushtun gene? Is there also a Karachi gene and a Lahore gene? What qualifications does one need to get into the Taliban's quantum physics department? I wonder if they are an equal opportunity employer.
I absolutely loved this article, especially how it was established that the assassin was an Italian - pieces of pizza found in his ear wax. The author forgot to mention that pieces of spaghetti and some olive oil was also found in the ear wax of this assassin It is completely irrelevant how they got there. Great job by the author.
OMG...THIS WAS SO FUNNY...MADE MY DAY...I was laughing like crazy and my mom was looking at me like whats wrong with me. and than she looks at my computer screen and like whats there....hahaha
Nadeem, You would not believe me if I I tell you I received a phone call from a friend of mine from Long island, New York who informed me about the news in Dawn about Malala and conspiracy done to Pakistanis. he also defended that anything was possible. By the way my friend had been a senior executive for Citibanks and likes. It was amazing. Please insert a Disclosure that may help them to some extent to differentiate the truth from the fiction. I hope so!!! I think the word Conspiracy gives them peace of mind because it shift responsibility to others and they do not have to think.
I think the following would not be overstatement:
Unfortunately it is not that Abdul can not think unfortunately he does not what thinking is!
NFP, I loved the beginning: it caught me for a while! Great satire!
@illawarrior: Agree with you.
When you cannot convince others with your arguments, Just confuse them with your bullshit ideas. This is what Nadeem F. Paracha has done in this piece of confusingly absurd writing.
I smell sarcasm.
bones of dinosaur? have a look again...
@Khalid: Name a single girl who is more brave than malala.Jealousy speaks behind you.
loved it !!!! what a brilliant depiction of the blind followers of the conspiracy theories.
@sophie: It's robert de niro!
Haha hilarious. Is this the same doctor who is in jail for OBL s earwax case.
@Madeeh Ur Rehman: Idiot
Good piece of humor Mr.Paracha.
lol the dialogue part was best.....
"The geology division of the Taliban"....
The Story is Fake. Look at the following paragraph taken from above. It says " the DNA he extracted from the sample suggests that the girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow." How on earth a pillow will be giving a DNA for testing? (oops!)
HAHAHAHA THIS IS GOLD, ANYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS SHIT IS PROBABLY OUT OF SARCASM
If anyone want to laugh out loud, check the comments and you will.
Hahahaha what a piece of writing!!! Until now, I've got three friends requesting me to read this as well as believe in this :( instead of earwax, you could've used something funnier at least, that can help me to debate my emotional pro-Islamic friends! Now, I'm just silent and watching their tension speechless..... Kudos
Awesome sattire,
Awesome as always. Jiyo aur aisey hee likhtey raho.wallahi. love it.
Excellent Sarcasm, depicting the true thought process of Pakistanis.
As well written as ever Mr. Paracha! The story couldn't be explained in a better way. Great work!!
Some serious funny shit bro,spiderman and bungy jumping?hahahaha lol
@illawarrior: Seriously mate, a huge LOL for the Department of quantum physics and if they are equal opportunity employers
Tsunami mommy? That last part kinda ruined the whole thing.
Rober DeNiro in Taxi Driver as a shooter............Denzal Washington also accompanied him to be act as Baloch Nationalist to sabotage Military installations in Balochistan.
@sophie: If i am not mistaken that's Robert De Niro from Taxi Driver
Oh my God, some people really think that it is all evidence! THIS IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY, People!! The writer wrote it sarcastically! It was a great write up, written with a perfect amount of spicy sarcasm.
at first i said with a sigh WT* happend to NFP. Thanks God i continued to read till 2nd section. loling.
@Shahid Pervez: The pervez in ur name can be from Pervez musharaf, and the shahid from shahid kapoor,, hmm you can be installed by America to check my Intellectual strength, And u know a good english, so u might be the jony English,hmmm.. too simple to judge a person.
Well written for its wittyness and sarcasim. I found it quite funny. A comedy drama could be made using it but then all the crew and cast will have to seek asylum in elsewhere.
@Danish A.: There is something called sarcasm buddy, you need to get a hang of it.
Tough Malala is one of the huge conspiracy, many of us don
Good one NFP (Y)
P.S. Next time you should write something to teach our fellow readers about true purpose of a Satire. I am sort of disturbed at reading some of the comments below.
HA HA HA ..funniest story i have ever read.I would like to add that Malala is actually an alien who was introduced to earth by the VORG collective...come on people i can write a better story than this
Also its funny when I imagine what those readers would be telling around about Malala story who believed in the evidence presented here. :D "Malala went for bungee jumping after being shot. hahahaa..then they say Dawn shouldn't publish such articles...too good!!
NFP your storey is irrational and it seems you are being used by some one
Funny thing is people are taking it as fact!
Make a Movie on Malala it will be a blockbuster :P
I think newspaper forgot to add - all the characters are fictional n bear no resembles to any living or dead person :)
I condemn your contestations Mr. Piracha
This year's Nobel prize goes to NFP!
astounding, really
Hahaha Hilarious!! but you know wts more funny? the comments! people are trying to PROVE that the evidences are insufficient and vague. OMG where do i hit my head
astounding
Bullship Malala is real and all incident are real what you want to prove.?
May be she is an agent but your story is hilarious..! Well, don't you start writiing. Umru ayaar and .... series.. :/
Piza,Maskmen officer,Blood sample... So funny Mr. Paracha......
pizza in ear wax!! wow that was a great one
Parach sahib good piece of humour in these tense times.
Awesome sir.. you are too sarcastic :)
@JS: Yes NFP I would love to read amatching 007 story about AFIA as well soon.
@Danish A.: This is a sarcastic column
I am Indian and like to eat chinese food all the time. Hope, in future if need arises, this doctor will not attend me to investigate my DNA. I am sure my nationality will surely change.
@m5:Great source bro, Wikipedia...
Nice satirical piece.
The Italian Earwax DNA had Pizza. The Pashtun earwax DNA had Niswaar. The Polish earwax DNA remains contaminated forever with ash from Auschwitz. The Saudi earwax DNA had camel dung...
This story which you are telling makes no sence. Where is the evidence for it? Stop defaming a 16 year old
@wayne persie: Lmao
The most comical part of article is earwax :D which Doctor in world will collect earwax of their patients seriously me :p
i am no fan of her...but this surely is outrageous..!!!!! "Ear Wax" LMAO...
BREAKING NEWS....is that it has been found that the people conspiring to give Malala the Nobel Prize actually has Pushtun DNA. When Alexander came to conquer India, he met Ghori and Inzaman too came there. They had a namaz on the banks of the river Beas. To take Alexander's place a Pushtun was selected to go back and his lineage then owns the Nobel prize trust. Sir! breaking! breaking! broken! broke!!
Hard efforts have been put in to hatch a conspiracy. I like the Harry porter's story and now J.K.Rolling stands at no.2
People against Malala are taking NFP brilliant sarcasm literally and are ACTUALLY using it as evidence on Twitter. Like Einstein said the universe may have limits but stupidity does not.
@Danish A.: Ever heard of sarcasm?
@Danish A.: THIS IS A PARODY MATE. :)
"Taliban department of quantum physics"
I laughed so hard I nearly spilt my drink on my nostrils! This just made my otherwise bad day I was having! Thanks for it!!
hahaha So Robert De NirO was the one who shot Malala On Head :). Nice Piece Of Writing. Somebody must sell this Story to Hollywood.
I like the pizza Particles in the ear wax. and how come the doctor has taken that shooters ear wax samples?? well those fossils are more of human like dinosours and last but not the least malala hair reveals the real identity in bungee jumping picture wow what an investigation!! the pillow was kept posing state for the picture specialy.. my goodness nice artilcle Good Luck
is tht a story, reality or what ? start of artical seems serious having a step toward self made story.........jokes
@haroon: Jahaz tv as it appears from name is run by some JAHAZ
Haven't you guys ever read any articles from Nadeem F Paracha before? Most of his articles are sarcastic (such as this one) and I am shocked to see your responses.
Well, this is quite something! wonder what's going on. I hope it's not another artistic piece to change the mind set of millions in Pakistan. I know our Pakistani friends are still in state of denial for 911 TRAGEDY.
The world and the day in which we are living, every thing is more than possible. By the way, it is a "Breaking News"
which kind of dinosaur's head wa s that??
Too Good man....I just cant stop laughing! Thank you for such an entertaining article.
hahaha !!! That was crazy !! @Tsunami_Mommy and earwax Pizza NAILED it !! NFP !! you are one amazing badass writer/blogger/columnist
Good script written, EK Tha Tiger 2 can be made on it.
What an article! It doesn't surprise me that our people are so gullible that some of them believed everything as if it is true, what surprises me most is that Imran Khan has more humor in his speeches and people believe on his fairy tales. I can imagine Imran Khan and Ayla Malik having a big laugh at a dining table at his residence discussing how he (Imran Khan) continues to pull people's legs by telling them how Talibaans are victims not the aggressors and they need an office.
The most funny story I ever read..I think paracha sb was trying to have pizza with his ears while writing this story..:P
@Advocate Bajwa: Are you really an "advocate" as with legal qualifications?
Sheer Brilliance!
Its interesting but don't you feel its odd at the same time? If CIA and ISI has to plan this they could have done it quite well not like this, its just Media that has played its part, while drama is poorly staged according to you.
@sara Urooj : What I wanted to say is already be said by you ;-) Saved my time and energy Thank you ;-)
There's an element of fakeness in this, i dont know why
I actually thought it was true till the doctor claimed he had the shooter ear wax too, i was thinking what a weird hobby... LOL !!
I actually thought it was true till the doctor claimed he had the shooter ear wax too, i was thinking what a weird hobby... LOL !!
Hahahahahahaha. Nadeem Paracha, you are a genius. What a mockery of conspiracy-theory mongerers!
@NFP , a great piece of writing to depict our state of mind
I m afraid that some day an ENT specialist may ask my parents that I am their adopted son.
its all taliban"s foolish propaganda some fools will believe this
Way to go, Malala :)
Excellent read, couldnt stop laughing!! Keep up the great work NFP...your articles always tickle our funny bone :)
Not true, than why the Malal,s face left side is oblique after the Incident?what is the cause please describe
haha , wazirestan has the diamond and gold mines .......................that s why they are rich !!!
This story is based on malicious thinking.
Haha who the hell does bungee jumping in swat and look at that picture it's totally fake huh
Www
wow!
until I reached the ISI guy, I was thinking this shit is real :p
good one btw
I could not hold my self from laughing out loud.... This is hilarious yet speaking the bitter reality we face
You Bastaahs!
finally a theory I can buy. Everything else was getting ridiculous
hats off to you Paracha sb. he did a great Job really good work and see the readers comments. hahahaha
Moral of the story ...... Clean your ears yourself and never let the wax accumulated in your ears
TOTALLY CONFUSED...!!!!
conspiracy theory
@Muhammad Khalil Janjua: Never heard any sarcasm? Are you from Mars? ... Seriously!!
All sounds legit to me. Who knew ear wax could be so useful.
"Dr. Khanzai
Earwax hobby...lol
One thing that I know is that Malalai was operated in Peshawar Military Hospital. His father a Christian or Muslim was there. She underwent a long operation and the bullet removed was shown to the father and other present there also saw it. There were other girls also who were shot.
I don't think the monkey in spiderman mask is an ISI officer.... normally they don't have such big bulge at their stomach.... ha ha ha :P
Why on earth did the ISI officer took to wearing a short 'spiderman outfit', and showing his bare body, to hide his identity? ROFL... :D
it's really funny, I enjoyed reading it :)
hahahha..... Noble Prize ather should be give to that doctor.......era wax collector...........
LOLX ... Malala was Bungee jumpingg ... celebrating her victory :P
Well Nadeem you must now write an article on those stupid morons who are either deliberately or due to their characterisic stupidity, projecting this article on social media as a real research piece against Malala.
There's a thing called sarcasm, and it confuses idiots,
And after reading the comments I am sorry to say they are in an abundance :/
Nice work NFP, u rock! :)
I would not be surprised that a couple of hundred fb groups will be launched now just to enlighten the world with these GROUND BREAKING REVELATIONS :p
Hay NFP!! Please reveal the True story of Laal Masjid too but don't use the character of any Burqa Avenger else I am sure You will get bombardment of awesomely dubious responses for that too. Excellent piece of Satire and I literally sorry for those who are unable to understand this write up.
And noble prize goes to.............mr paracha..hahahahaha
This is our social dilemma to believe on all types of conspiracies. Nadeem Paracha is one of the great writer to depict reality in a satirical manner. love you sir
I thought that only the dim-witted would not understand your satire. But this blogger on ibnlive has taken your satire seriously :-) http://ibnlive.in.com/blogs/dpsatish/237/64903/malala-not-a-nobel--wisdom-wins-over-populism.html
Meanwhile in India http://ibnlive.in.com/blogs/dpsatish/237/64903/malala-not-a-nobel--wisdom-wins-over-populism.html
the writer thinks that this article is real -_-
Man that's something really funny....cant stop laughing, hats off
Interesting..!
@Tayyab: lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
It was all going good until i read the bit about the psycho doc and his ear wax collection hobby! it just got awesome afterwards ;) !! excellent work!!!
Superb , there are some idiots who share this article as real revelations of Malalalala, they take u too seriously.
I LOVEDDDDD IT I totally hate the Malala haters. Looks like they're suppose to hate everyone the west sides with~ even if that is humanity!!
@Shahid : he just tewist the things story is right.
Bits of Pizza in the ear wax was the best! True story through and through.
i thought it wz true until i read the comments :P LOL ......thnx 4 makin' my day really funny:P
Hilarious !! I initially thought "what the hell is this "!!
Very witty and well written . Its sadly a true reflection of our wider society today.
Its looks like a consiparicy theory.....
Hope Pakistani spiderman makes himself public( khushboo lagake) & tells world about the truth of Malala drama.
This sounded like an episode of South Park. Only if we had a desi version of it.
totally wrong story
amazing piece of writing it really made me feel as if it was a jolting reality that i got to know but gradually as i continued reading the story turned hilarious.. good work!!! thoroughly enjoyed reading it..
Taxi Driver pic was 'eye opener.
Every body finding this real story........... How you write this type of stories is really amazing...........Hats off to you for Bin laden story too
I was confused when doctor proved her to be a Polish and Caucasian. Polish are certainly not Caucasians....Couldnt get more sarcastic. Awesome read
Hahaha.. it was just too good..correctly depicts the absurdity of the pakistani mindset
I am a poor christchen working in public toilets in Peshawar. The intelligence agencies have ordered me to collect people waste for DNA sampling. They fear some aliens might land on earth in the 22nd century. hahahaaaa!
Hahaha I Have Never Ever Red This Type Of Story, Its Amazing I Personally Giving An Award To Writter For This Effort. He Deserving The Nobel Prize Instead Of Malala lol... All The Avidence Are Fake Roebrt De Nairo, And Malala's Bungee Jump Picture.
Nadeem paracha proved his eligibility for the head of Intelligence services. His skills of story writting reminded me old days of ISSB test. ha ha keep it up
at first i thought i got hold of some jolting reality but latr on it just changed my views amazing work keep it up!!!
Mr.Paracha is a gifted comedy writer. I fear, a lot of his sarcasm-laced writings might be taken quite literally.
The best part was dinosaur fossils; it was more like humansaurs!
Funniest piece of work i ever came across
it may b right coz a real pakistani ca"nt do such kind of
There is NFP's coverup of story. It was not Mitchells ketchup, it was Shezan Tomato Ketchup. You know that Qadiani (Mirzai) hand.
Not this, but TV anchor Sana Bucha's interview with Malala before the attack could give you some beef!
This article was meant to be sarcastic, right..?
Wow! Robert de Niro looks so Hot!! I love him
Ear wax collector hobby... Caucasian polish.. Pizza in ear wax... Spiderman... Uno momento.. Bungee jumping.. Body double...? hilarious... :D Gud work nadeem, creative... :D
A long road to "conquer" North Waziristan.
Still A Better Story Than The Official Version :-p WITH EVIDENCE :-p
hahahaha
You Just Took It To The Next Level :D
I hope you realize that Press TV and a Pakistani writer by the name of Nadeem Iftikhar are running this article on their website, believing it to be true.
That is so hilarious ,nice comedy..
I really wish you would clearly mark this as satire so that stupid people don't go around quoting it as truth.
Hilarious part is that ,most of people will believe it is true...As Sh. Rashed twitted the story LOL..LOL
malala, a highly forged story
Oh my goodness--what a Story--sounds like "Bourne Legacy"....loll
Malala may be planted but investigation report is full of sketchy evidences and plot
If you read real closely you will realize that this story has been fabricated and is a conspiracy against Malala.
quite interesting work ,,,,,,,,,,,, it can work as ready made stuff for a movie full of action , suspense n drama.......
@Mamoon: Sarcasm?
Sarcasm?
Drag and drop Malala bungee jumping photo in google image. You can found this is not malala. This girl is jumping in India. This is not malalalalalalalaalalalala. This is wrong story I think.
Good one NFP ! Except your satire is lost to millions of your countrymen and women who are taking this article quite literally as proof of a conspiracy, lol ! I've seen comments on fb and elsewhere. Maybe you should issue a clarification !!
this is the most fun I've had reading an article. It is definitely the best sitirical work I have seen. Can't stop smiling.... this author should be working for The Daily Show of Jon Stewart. Earwax...totally priceless!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ TILL THE END. SHOWS ALL OF YOU WERE BAD STUDENTS IN SCHOOL COMMENTING HERE:
it Says:
what is the credibility of that ear wax collector?
@Gulsher: People still believe that it is real story .
People please read this first on top of the article "DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life."
@Irfan from Sydney: Looks like you moroon took it seriously....Peracha is story writer, satirist and anto moulvis....
Good .. Satire ... I hope people are not taking it seriously .. Hahahagagahaha
People need to relax and understand this article is just satire and not real. There is no conspiracy!
@Umer Sohail: Another MOROON who took it serious...hahahahaha
Awesomely awesome NFP ............ i am fed up of all sort of conspiracy theories in our beloved country.......Don't know when we will learn to give credit where it is deserved # Malala rocks # Robert De Niro rocks # NFP rocks
just read the story..... and the final lines are:-
Brilliant camouflage NFP, You almost took me for a surprised ride into reality ... Without paying attention to either the disclaimer or to your name mentioned upfront , I went straight from the subject interestingly selected heading to the story line and almost believed your writing till i came to the point of " collecting earwax from my patients is my hobby " from there on the mischievous part of the writing clicked into my reading . Your article on the real story of drones last week was not so secretive as this one on malala . Keep writing dear , it helps to relieve me of my BP problem by having a heart full of laugh ...
I cant believe on people believing it and then making a fuss of it we need the rain mix with brain drain all over pakistan so it clear up the brain cells and revive them to at least new born status when it only works on instinct. GOD BLESS PAKISTAN
enjoyed the story and the way to express it.part of last episode of this drama
For all you simpletons (which unfortunately includes both Malala haters and supporters), it's forgivable if you aren't familiar with Nadeem F. Paracha's excellent work.
However, you can't be forgiven for ignoring the disclaimer right at the top:
Off course, some of you will not even know the meaning of satire, to which I say Godspeed.
I want to produce more evidences to you sir, parach
Before reading this article please read: and then you have left nothing to comment..
DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.
My boss just talked about the american army being after the coal, gold stuff in Pakistan and Malala being a US agent, supporting this article as an evidence at a Dinner today :( Nadeem, what have you done!
Shall we laugh?
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL . Maza a gya
OMG....Thanks Dawn.com
Hahahahahaha. A good reply to conspiracy theories... Nice drafting the whole story. I like it the why you write.
who is this bigot moderator never post my comment
I think we should now shun away this conspiracy phobia that has been instilled in our minds. such like things are just a mere bluff
great job sir...
We do not know what is happening around us. Who do we believe and who do we not. Malala case is unbelievable, you know, the way she escaped a bullet from a point blank range, and the way she was picked up and landed in UK. Her injury reported to life threatening but recovery was fast. this story is not less hilarious, I can tell you that Malal is not polish, because Polish people are very white and Malan do not appear to be a white girl. A good try nevertheless, we might see an amended version of the story very soon
hahahhahahahaah top secret tweeter exchange decode by a division..........and thr are still ppl nt getting satire
Dear Mr. Paracha, I read your article: Malala: The True Story. My initial reaction was anger, so much so that I managed to get Asif Noorani's phone number and called him to complain about it, I did give him a piece of my mind and told him that how can such a reputable news paper publish such fake material based on bias and conspiracy theories . I am so fed up with these conspiracy theories which circulate in Pakistani community, every bad thing which happens in Pakistan or Islamic world is the work of west. After having my say I cooled down a bit and read your story two more times, and I must admit that you are a brilliant black comedy writer: It was written so well that it really fooled me. I am not going to give any excuses for my out burst because for me Malala is a symbol of courage and she gives us some hope in these dark times. You are extremely talented, you achieved what you aimed for, I don't know how many people misunderstood your humour for real. I have never even heard of you before and that is because I don't read Pakistani news papers or watch Pakistani TV channels, I don't want my blood pressure to shoot up! You are very talented and I hope you will soon write a book and I will male sure that I read it. I
I read the entire article and was horrified. I couldn't believe someone had written such imaginative evidence. Then I read the writer's name and lo behold it was our NFP :D
@mahe talat abidi: That's what makes NFP, NFP, sir. He's unique and am glad you finally cme around to the fact that it was the conspiracy theorists that he was mocking. :)
Amazing, how NFP kept giving clear signs of this being a satire, and yet, there were those who took it seriously?
How on earth can any person take a fat intelligent agent in a bad Spider-Man's suit, pizza in earwax, an earwax collecting doctor, an Italian hit man posing to be an Uzbek homeopath, et., etc., etc. seriously? I'm sure NFP had a ball watching so many fall for this spoof. :)
Why only blame the right wingers for being stupid enough to take satire seriously. I know some perfectly normal liberals going all moralistic about this. They are the worst lot.
:D
LOL, Taliban division of Quantum Physics, Geology and Archaeology, Priceless
@Zain: got that right bro
@Not Jane:
Missing u Jane :)
Peter
@Not Jane:
Missing u Jane :)
Peter
wata satire.......good job
http://www.brownpundits.com/2013/10/11/malala-satire-snags-irans-press-tv/
Malala Satire Snags Iran
damn! it was so real to me! i loved it.
i wonder about italian shooter and hungrian victim on ground of pakistan hahaha that story is more fake than malala itself o.O
@Mamoon: If you read the disclaimer at the top and bottom of this article you would see it is nothing more than satire which means in easy terms....fake or joke. HAHAHAHAHA relax, let your hair down and have a laugh! Sheesh!!
@James bond: Ummmm! ?????????
@James bond:so dont knw that it was a satire
@Ahmed: the people of pakistan are so gullible that the writer had to put up a disclaimer, and people still didnt get it!
SATIRE! please mention SATIRE on the top of the page! people might beleive she was actually bungee jumping
LoL I still believe its True Coz TTP quantum Physics applied on Banjee Jump :)
while some '' educated '' are posting this link everywhere to claim malala was just a drama
Damn it ! I came very near to forward this script to my Professor for my PhD research. Thanks God, I saw NFP at the bottom !
ROFL, NFP, my man find a financier and start making short movies. A truly hilarious peice in a while...
who is malala????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
@Tariq Ehsan: Your hopes are in drain brother :D
Bwahahaha :: a doc has a hobby of collecting ear wax? LMAO ... found pizza in ear wax ... I am not even laughing .. I'm ROFLING ....... being an MD and knowing the culture .. I bet ... a majority of people would believe on this BS!
wow
Hahahah daaaaaeeyyyyuuum!! Some one should make movie on this one #bilal lashari :D
I chuckled on the irony of this story especially when writer mentions the name of hired Italian American gunshooter as Robert and then picture of Robert Di Nero appears with crop hair, I was litererally broke into laughters. Great article
You are in big trouble man. Not only is the CIA & ISI now going to hunt you down for blowing their cover but you also have batman, robin and the avengers all pissed off for not letting them be a part of this history......& yes i forgot the Green Lantern too!!!
@Mustafa: The link about press tv is fake as well. I would recommend to investigate properly
The best 'PARACHA SLAP' ever!! Thank you for that sir, Respect!
Shouldn't the name "Nadeem F Paracha" be disclaimer enough ??? Saw this article 2 days ago, and i dont think it had a disclaimer then.... the fact that you've had to add one (and that too TWICE!!!) is a sign that your irony was lost on quite a few..... :)
That pic of shooter is Robert Dinero from 1970s
hahahaha..What do you mean by ear wax!!!!
Hahhahhah Nice..........but In future MaY SomE poinTs Basis On Realty....................... NoT Fiction Same as "Usama ...... Story in Pakistan................
@kdspirited: i messed up!
@Anonymous: It is clearly marked!
@Dave: Now a days it really looks like a "news". I will go with you.
And that, everyone, is a how a bollywood movie is written.
It's True, Thank you author to publish this
ahh.. I didn't need to see De Niro's pic to find it was satire ! Taliban's quantum physics division was enough for that ! and I am sure there was no disclaimer in beginning!
@Ahmed: it was there when we read for the first time. So many people can not be expected to ignore it !
wow u made fool almost everyone Great work..it seems from comments that few dint read complete article..
excellent ...... hehehehe..... thanks god i read the disclaimer otherwise.... i dont know what ?!?!? :D
@James bond . Dont insult the name " James Bond " . because even in their worst , those characters will never be as idiot as you . No doubt , Malala story is beyond scope of people like you who are only good for believing the propaganda of right wing parties and unable to understand a satire like this article .
Brilliant..................hahahahahahaha " girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow." hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! now it all makes sense!
lol..not an article bt a good script for a short film.....
@Uzair: Lets get this right Malala Yousafzai raised her voice for the educational rights of girls in Swat, Pakistan! World wide belief is that she was shot in the head by Talibans for championing education rights for girls, after the incident Malala becomes a universal celebrity, her whole family moves to UK her father over night becomes the employee to the Pakistan High Commission in UK, her friends are taken to UK for better education and luxurious life which they would not have had in Swat, Now the point to be made is the girls of swat and other rural areas of Pakistan are still at the same point where they were, no improvement is in existence for the fundamental right to education or freedom, nothing practical has been done for them but Malala Yousafzai and her family have certainly benefited from all this drama! Million of innocent girls and kids are killed daily all of them die with equal hopes and dreams but sadly here media, international organizations, government officials or celebrities become blind and deaf ! So, why MALALA????? Until now after her incident what changes has she been able to bring into the lives of the girls in Swat besides the good changes in her own life and that of her family's! Come on people wake up!
mitchel's toamato ketchup o.O
these are our failure,s that when any sincere pakistani work good, or keep thinking better for pakistan we start to investigate about that person... Malala is the daughtar of a brave nation and we should proud on her
Jane = malala = gul makai... one girl three names. heehehehehe.....
I am surprised Dawn can publish something like this? I am afraid if my earwax is also available. The doctor is smart, he keeps every ones earwax.
Quantum physics division of Taliban? Wow... And a blond girl, bunjee jumping, Swat? Wow...
Spider man? Cool....
DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life. this is impotent for this Article . You should place this line on starting point .
@Saeed Ur Rehman Siddiqui: such views show the desire to divert the attention from the severity of the crime by taliban, who, like traditional and isolated tribal people, detest modern education, especially for women. Even the worst barbarians do not raise hands over women and children. Malala is praised as a symbol of desire of the girls to be educated, that has attracted attention of world towards the issue
the best part
@Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli
@Saeed Ur Rehman Siddiqui: Sir, Can you please tell us, What our politicians have done after getting the government by our votes; Nothing !! and we are expecting a young girl to influence specially world leadership for doing something for us. It's always "HOPE" that a person inclined towards someone and build expectations, same is happening here. People are looking towards Malala who now has become an icon of peace, courage and child education. Have you found anything wrong with her motives; apparently nothing so why you think so negative. She is gradually moving towards her defined goals. Please be positive about her I know it is difficult for each Pakistani after being hurt by expectations every time.
You can be a great novelist, trust me
duh!!!! What the !!! hahahahaha :D
sir this is brilliant. thoroughly enjoyed it. looking forward to more stuff from u
@waldmyer: who is malala???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
@Mohammad Afzal: You are such a ninny you can
Though it is a piece of fiction, but as our nation loves to believe that whole world is conspiring against Pakistan and nothing else to do, i have seen dozens of people on Facebook really believing about this Malala as european girl and blah blah written in this column. i myself was astonished to know that very educated people didnt bother to read the whole column and understand that it is a Tanz o Mazah (comedy and taunt lols) and they were believing it. i have dozens of sharing on facebook and twitter. thats great on part of Dawn, that they have mentioned DISCLAIMER in the top, but our conspiracy theory believers might not read it. so sad...
@Khalid Khalil: What about the killing of innocent Pukhtoon childer women old and weak elders
Hats off :)
That's the better one. I like your style and approach :)
i think this is the most wierd story i have ever listened. and now y you are leaking this information. and what do you think that a bunch of amatures are going to expose the covert operation of CIA and ISI
A lovely way to ride the Malala wagon Mr Paracha. Particularly the heading, its quite catchy and scandalous. I agree with some comments, that the disclaimer should have been at the beginning. You of all the people know how Malala is disliked by a lot people who envy the respect she's gained from the country and the world. I have heard a lot people say things to discredit Malala. You have given them fodder (though your intent was not to do so), And believe me I know you had no intent and would say that the article clearly is a work of fiction but these things are always twisted by specific groups of people.
Nadeem F Paracha is a brilliant writer would request him to please investigate and give us his version of the two major scandals, Fake Degree and the monumental task of stuffing fake ballots into ballot boxes. This would be hilarious.
This article has a whooping 41k 'likes' and 2000-plus tweets. Has to be a record of some sort.
!!
Popularity of this blog shows How desperate we are to declair this as "Fake" event.
P.s Still waiting to be Declaired as "FAKE"
People please calm down. this is mere a fictional work. READ THE' ''DISCLAIMER'' at the beginning and end.
Invention or discover?
@Shaukat Basit:may be i was. cause i never read an article from him. Just read all the comments. apologies for my idiotic comments :)
You guys have proved that how it is easy to fool you. The writer is just trying to test our attitude of accepting information without using our minds. Don't you guys, read disclaimer. But there is some thing fishy about Malala Case. If west is giving so much importance to a Pakistani then would be a great agenda behind it. The elite class who handles all the proceeding of world most prestigious institutions don't give a shit to any one without any purpose.
Just what us Pakistanis want to hear about Malala..... brilliantly put together....couldn't control my laughter while reading it.
I would like to learn the method of intercepting twitters messages! LOL!! Great work Nadeem Paracha
I think lots of people who are commenting here have no idea what's a DISCLAIMER :)
Why would anyone read past bits of pizza in ear wax? But, I did. By the way, Malala IS caucasion.
Disclaimer: No one in Pakistan reads/considers disclaimers.
@Ali Aftab Memon: It recently rained in Karachi. No doubt a river of some sort has been formed. Go cry a river.
DNA extraction Kit, Spiderman and Dinosaur bones .... where do you get these pics from .... ekdam Hilarious ... sir, your writings are just too good !! Thanks for such work !!
genius!!
@haroon javed: i agree with you Sir, but no one will here will agree.... nothing is what it seems or seems what it is
May Allah blessings be with you, you are a brave man and a true pakistani, NFP we love you
you are such a superb fiction writer. the way you generate the tweets and decode them, awesome. I suggest you to start some detective series, you will be a billionaire soon.
@Editor at Trango.co: Some do
Hats off to the ear wax collector !
Where is the earwax museum !
"Taliban
Another hilarious example when some of the wisest took this blog about Malala seriously and it is a hilarious one from an acquaintance :) "IF YOU READ THIS STORY CAREFULLY THERE ARE MANY FLAWS IN IT AS WELL. DID ALL THE MEDIA REPORTED THE PICTURES WERE WRONG? MALALA PHOTO AFTER INCIDENT AS ROPE HANGING IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THEN MALALA BODY STRUCTURE, HOW COME THAT ALL THE MEDIA REPORTED SAME PHOTO/VIDEOS FROM SWAT TO UK? HOW HER FACE IS FRACTURED? IF HIS FATHER WAS CHRISTIAN CONVERTED WHY NOT REPORTED BY THE SWAT SMALL TOWN PEOPLE TO MEDIA????????????."
Read this for more fun. Oops I think this guy was serious, not joking like you. http://www.express.pk/story/150452/
@Devil: I think he gets his ideas from Daily Ummat. lol. Every satirist should read this newspaper when they run out of funny ideas.
I like officers' uniform
@atif: Yes they missed to read that. that's why they are serious.
Nadim Bhai don't you dare to think that your are the only one cracking this case, there 90% Pakistanis geniuses already knew the truth including Imran Khan and our PM, CM & CJ
NFP, we heartily enjoy your work. In the dreary world of Pakistani journalism and conspiracy theorists, your words are a pleasure to read.
did I just read a JOKE? o.O
This is the funniest story I've read in the longest time.
Hilarious!
I really amused when i saw bones of dinosaurs collected from Wazirstan. You have discovered the missing links of evolution, Richard Dawkins would be very thankful to you.
Brilliant !!
A high class taunt.
Funny but far too long. By the way I know it is a satire but Sawat is out of bounds for journalists. The author could have said that he went to Sawat in military uniform.
!!!!
Hilarious!!
But gues what? Some peopletl even think all this is true and are using this articcle as an evidence to prove Malala an agent.
My friend gave me the link and said " ye dekh, chup kar k parh aur ab Malala Malala na Kari. Wo agent ha"
@Qaiser:::Malala along with her parents is also a credit to entire nation.Those simpletons who think/say that she is going around 'exposing the secrets' of her people,don't know that west knows about us much more than we do about ourselves.The same intricate know-how about us which enabled the British to rule over us for some 100 years,before they did 'trade' with us for over 100 years
I reject the whole story, how a Polish girl by birth can Pushato so fluently. I think you must have to stop writing these kinds of stuffs.
but still one thing is confusing why was all this planned? I mean what do CIA and ISI got after this fake operation?
Shame on you Nadeem F. Paracha and shame on Dawn for letting this rubbish published; this is the lowest you have ever gone.
lol
what Malala!! All fake...
@Mohammed Shuaib Sheikh: iam the residence of swat and i beleive in this story .. swat is not beyond the reach of jounalist..... every one in swat know the truth
I WAS GOING AROUND CURSING UNTIL I REACHED THE MITCHELLS TOMATO KETCHEP AND DISCLAIMER. WAY TO PUT SOMEONE UNDER A HEART ATTACK!!