501st Amendment: The 501st Amendment is hereby passed to honour Levi’s 501 Blues.
525th Amendment: All Cliftonian children born with a silver spoon in their mouths to be guaranteed the right to a quality education.
533rd Amendment: All history books pertaining to South Asia, the Middle East and Europe to be rewritten as fantasy.
611th Amendment: The colour purple will henceforth be known as khaki.
616th Amendment: All corporate executives, in particular those working in the finance industry, to be guaranteed annual bonuses at least 1,750 times more than the per capita income of the country in which they plan to retire.
637th Amendment: All dubious Caucasians hired as political analysts by the Department of Agriculture to be celebrated as exemplars of brown patriotism.
655th Amendment: All power and sovereignty rests in the people, as long as the people rest with the powers-that-be.
677th Amendment: The right to free education, state-of-the-art healthcare, equal opportunity, religious equality and equality before the law is guaranteed to each and every citizen of the Riyasat-i-Scandinavia … and, therefore, has nothing to do with the business of the state here in Cliftonia, so leave us alone!
683rd Amendment: The colour green will henceforth be known as khaki.
686th Amendment: Only the Department of Agriculture will be described as an underdog in the media; its opponents will henceforth be known as overcats.
695th Amendment: Every citizen is guaranteed the right to be disappeared.
702nd Amendment: All children are guaranteed the right to breathe in high-quality smog.
705th Amendment: The colour yellow will henceforth be known as khaki.
733rd Amendment: Each citizen is guaranteed the right to stand atop a container for as long as s/he has been allowed to stand atop that container by the Department of Agriculture.
749th Amendment: The colour black will henceforth be known as khaki.
753rd Amendment: The canton of Bunny Gala in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab will henceforth be known as Dharnabad.
762nd Amendment: All automobiles to be driven on the right side of the grass, regardless of which side of it is greener (or khaki-er).
781st Amendment: Every banker (retired or otherwise) has the right to be appointed Cliftonia’s Minister of Finance at least once in his lifetime.
785th Amendment: The colour pink will henceforth be known as khaki.
792nd Amendment: Each citizen is guaranteed the right to be suspended, amended, and held in abeyance just like this constitution.
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, December 8th, 2019