Responding to the demands of its citizenry, the Republic of Cliftonia’s sovereign parliament unanimously passed a number of crucial amendments to the country’s constitution when two-thirds of a solitary member of the treasury benches wandered into the house by mistake during lunch hour. Many opposition members, who were taken completely by surprise by this development, took to social media to express their outrage before going back to tucking into their naans and kebabs.
According to the official spokesperson of the government — who was completely unaware of this until apprised of it by the media — the new amendments were the need of the hour and in accordance with the promises made by the ruling party to the nation.
Eos was provided with a copy of the 792 new amendments passed by the parliament via presidential ordinance in less than six minutes. The incredible speed with which this extraordinary brilliance took place shattered the previously held record of extraordinary brilliance when a member of parliament had sat for and passed three exams at his (forced) alma mater in under 60 minutes.
The new amendments in the constitution, passed through ordinances, that will make Cliftonia completely naya within days
We share below some of the new amendments that promise to make Cliftonia completely naya by Tuesday afternoon:
76th Amendment: Each corpus insistent on being habeas will have its case shifted to the Court of Disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
93rd Amendment: Every citizen is guaranteed the right to be exiled by the Department of Agriculture.
145th Amendment: All roundabouts will henceforth be squared and subsequently be called squareabouts.
187th Amendment: Every citizen is guaranteed the right to be mistreated by the law.
200th Amendment: The colour red will henceforth be known as khaki.
309th Amendment: All civil servants not in uniform are guaranteed the right to be thrown in jail on unsubstantiated corruption charges.
310th Amendment: All uniformed officers of the Republic of Cliftonia are guaranteed the right of unaccountability and potential rulership, if they are so inclined. If they are not, they are entitled to (a minimum of) 90 acres of land (with a market value of no less than 6 million dollars) for good behaviour.
419th Amendment: All ipsos are henceforth declared factos.
454th Amendment: The colour blue will henceforth be known as khaki.
492nd Amendment: All investment bankers, non-practising doctors and retired generals to be provided state support when appearing on political talk shows based on WhatsApp research.
501st Amendment: The 501st Amendment is hereby passed to honour Levi’s 501 Blues.
525th Amendment: All Cliftonian children born with a silver spoon in their mouths to be guaranteed the right to a quality education.
533rd Amendment: All history books pertaining to South Asia, the Middle East and Europe to be rewritten as fantasy.
611th Amendment: The colour purple will henceforth be known as khaki.
616th Amendment: All corporate executives, in particular those working in the finance industry, to be guaranteed annual bonuses at least 1,750 times more than the per capita income of the country in which they plan to retire.
637th Amendment: All dubious Caucasians hired as political analysts by the Department of Agriculture to be celebrated as exemplars of brown patriotism.
655th Amendment: All power and sovereignty rests in the people, as long as the people rest with the powers-that-be.
677th Amendment: The right to free education, state-of-the-art healthcare, equal opportunity, religious equality and equality before the law is guaranteed to each and every citizen of the Riyasat-i-Scandinavia … and, therefore, has nothing to do with the business of the state here in Cliftonia, so leave us alone!
683rd Amendment: The colour green will henceforth be known as khaki.
686th Amendment: Only the Department of Agriculture will be described as an underdog in the media; its opponents will henceforth be known as overcats.
695th Amendment: Every citizen is guaranteed the right to be disappeared.
702nd Amendment: All children are guaranteed the right to breathe in high-quality smog.
705th Amendment: The colour yellow will henceforth be known as khaki.
733rd Amendment: Each citizen is guaranteed the right to stand atop a container for as long as s/he has been allowed to stand atop that container by the Department of Agriculture.
749th Amendment: The colour black will henceforth be known as khaki.
753rd Amendment: The canton of Bunny Gala in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab will henceforth be known as Dharnabad.
762nd Amendment: All automobiles to be driven on the right side of the grass, regardless of which side of it is greener (or khaki-er).
781st Amendment: Every banker (retired or otherwise) has the right to be appointed Cliftonia’s Minister of Finance at least once in his lifetime.
785th Amendment: The colour pink will henceforth be known as khaki.
792nd Amendment: Each citizen is guaranteed the right to be suspended, amended, and held in abeyance just like this constitution.
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, December 8th, 2019