Dear Auntie, I am a 19-year-old girl and my problem is that I cannot stay angry for long and end up forgiving people even if they don’t deserve it. Is it ever wrong to be too optimistic about things and about people? I cannot get myself to ‘hate’ anyone who does something bad to me, because I try to dig deep into the psychology behind their actions. And when I begin to understand them, whatever bad they do to me feels justifiable. I stop hating them and start feeling pity for them. I try to be overly friendly and loving towards such people considering that though they don’t deserve love, they need it the most. As a result I lose my self-respect when I get insulted again and again by them. However, I end up forgiving them again without them even asking for it. Can seeing the bright side of people blind me enough to let people walk over me? Optimistic

Dear Nice, ‘Optimistic’ is not the word. You are what is known as ‘a nice girl.’ And it’s not a compliment. It’s something that works for others around them and not for the person who is being ‘nice.’ When someone is ‘nice’ and ‘understanding’ it usually means that person is a people pleaser and tends to get used. In the long run continuing this pattern will only sabotage you.

When you ‘always understand’ you end up exhausting yourself. Just holding onto the reputation is a burden in itself. You also end up ignoring yourself. If you are always explaining away why someone was rude to you and understanding why they ditched you, you have little time or energy to take care of yourself.

Also you are lying to yourself. Do you honestly believe that just because you understand when others goof up, they will understand when you do? Not! You see, because you have always bent over backwards to ‘understand’ other’s wicked behaviours, you have essentially trained people to expect you to always understand no matter what mighty sins they commit.

‘Nice’ people need to start putting forward their needs. No, your need is not to understand and serve others. You need to dig a little deeper and reconnect with who you really are. Because you are ‘nice’ it is almost a given that you suffer from low self esteem, so you need to almost immediately start working on building your confidence.

A bit of inner work and you will see that people will start seeing you and treating you differently and you will lead a more fulfilled life.

Dear Auntie I am a 25-year-old girl. It's been five years since I got married. The problem is that my husband and my father-in-law have suddenly become religious and have started objecting to the way I dress. I am an excellent badminton player and captain of my club, but they want me to stop wearing shorts and start playing in track pants as there are men around. Now my parents have never made a big deal of such things and have always allowed me to wear anything. Before marriage, I even used to wear whatever I wanted to college parties and my parents never batted an eyelid. In fact, my husband (who was my boyfriend at that time) even used to encourage it. I myself became a bit careful after marriage as there were a lot of in-laws judging me, but this badminton thing is just impossible to accept. They are now even having issues with me wearing sleeveless dresses at weddings and functions. All this is causing a great deal of distress to myself, my parents and my siblings. Please guide me how to handle these conservative minds. Distressed

PS They have also removed all my badminton pictures and photo frames from the drawing room shelf.

Dear Wife, We all know that marriage is about compromise and when two people decide to live together for the rest of their lives, one can almost guarantee that there will be hard work ahead. How do you remain flexible in a relationship without turning into a doormat? That is the key question in any successful relationship. The important thing is to differentiate between what you will and won’t compromise on.

Badminton is one of the things that are unique to you. And you should not give it up. What I appreciate about your husband and father-in-law is that they have not asked you to give up playing. They have merely requested you to play in track pants. However your husband’s family is on a path and in the long run you may not always agree with the changes you may be asked to make.

So here is a quick guide to what one should generally not compromise on when in a relationship. Generally you shouldn’t compromise on your uniqueness, your hopes and dreams. In a healthy relationship these should be respected by your significant other. Family is another thing one shouldn’t compromise on. No one’s family is perfect, but cutting out your loved ones to satisfy a spouse will eventually lead to resentment. When you accept people, you accept their crazy families also. A similar one to this is friends. A spouse may not like your friends — and some energy-draining ‘friends’ are truly not worth keeping — but no one has the right to ask you to give up on your pals.

Moral values are another one you shouldn’t compromise on. You should not have to change your moral values just to be in a relationship with someone. It’s just much easier to find someone with similar values to live with.

And finally your self-esteem. Any relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself, is a bad one. If pointing out your faults has become your partner’s favourite pastime, you need to rethink the relationship, because you are not a punching bag.While compromise is essential to living with someone, where you feel meeting your partner halfway will make you feel like you were taken advantage of, it is an unhealthy compromise.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com