Dear Phupojaani,

I am a 33-year-old woman who was married for seven years. I finally got a divorce last year and have a five-year-old son who lives with me. I had a very bad experience of marriage. During my marriage my ex-husband used to beat me and mentally torture me. He cut me off from all my friends and family. I finally found the strength to leave him and move back with my parents.

My ex-husband is good to our son who goes and stays with him on some weekends. Whenever my ex-husband takes our son away he really spoils him. He buys him presents, takes him out for food and fun. Somehow my son doesn’t remember how bad my marriage was and I get angry at that. It irritates me that he gets very excited when his father comes over to get him and take him out. He loves going out with his father and I am not happy about that. Sometimes I feel like telling him that his father beat me and was bad to me just to get back at my husband. I want to tell my son how his father mentally tortured me. Sometimes I also think that by spoiling my son, my ex is using him to torture me and that makes me resentful. What should I do? Bitter

Dear Saintly, Hats off to you for taking the higher road in such a twisted situation. I think you are managing rather well. By leaving the husband, you did what was right by you. And by letting your son meet his father you are doing what is right by your child. Most people are so bitter after a divorce that they take their children along with them on their personal emotional roller coaster, colouring their view of the other parent and damaging them in the process. Yup! You got it: the only person who would suffer in such a case would be your son. But hats off to you for keeping your head and encouraging a healthy relationship between father and son. It is truly something us, flawed human beings, seldom do.

You are done with your ex husband and know that there is really no point in ‘punishing’ him. Do you want any sort of contact — other than the one through your child — with someone who tortured you? Stop focusing on your ex and live your life in the best possible way that you know.

Auntie knows it’s tough to play god but you are doing well, so keep at it. You are a good and responsible mother, not to mention, quite sane which can be rare in a relationship that went awry. And the attention of both parents can only benefit your son, (unless of course you sense that having your ex around your child could be dangerous).

Dear Auntie, I am a 29-year-old married woman. My husband likes to drink alcohol. There have been two or three times in the last six years when he has tried to stop the habit, but he can’t do it. I keep asking him why he drinks so much, but he doesn’t say anything. Sometimes he says it is because of me. When he gets drunk it gets very ugly. He ends up blaming me for everything wrong in his life including his drinking. But he was drinking heavily from before he met me. Otherwise he is good to me. He can’t remember what he does when he drinks. He has trouble waking up in the morning to go to work.

I also feel that he has low self esteem. I try to talk to him, but it hasn’t helped. I have fought with him, but that doesn’t help either. I don’t know what to do anymore and many times I feel nothing for him. Many times I think that no one can help him, but himself. I have understood this now and feel I don’t have any patience anymore.

I have always worked and can support myself if I walk out of this marriage. But that is where the problem is. I don’t know whether I should leave. Done

Dear Trust yourself, Your intuition is something that should be trusted. You have tried hard to ‘cure’ this man. The problem is that your husband has not faced his demons and realised that he has a serious problem. If he had he would have sought help himself, with or without a nudge from you. You have tried to help and now is the time to take the decision that you know is the best course of action for you.

The more you try to protect your husband, the more you assure that things will never change. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. And you leaving him is one such serious consequence. You cannot have a relationship with someone who needs to numb his senses and run away from reality. You might cure him by leaving him, but seriously his ‘cure’ should not be your problems anymore. It’s time to think about yourself now.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com