Hi Auntie,
I am a 23-year-old medical student in my final year. I’ve been getting a lot of proposals for marriage. As per tradition, I have to push trolleys around when potential suitors come visit with their families, which I utterly despise, but I do it for my parents’ sake. 

My parents have been trying to convince me to accept a proposal. I want to complete my house job requirements and find a stable job on my own before I commit to another person. I can’t seem to comprehend getting married right now but I’ve been told by everyone around me (my immediate family) that this is the right time to get married.

I’m conflicted about whether to listen to my parents or listen to my own heart. Please guide me. 
Conflicted.

‘I’m under pressure to get married’

Dear Conflicted,
In most cases, Pakistani parents play an active role in finding suitable partners for their children and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Think of it as extra help from those who have more experience in life to help you find a partner. However, I do agree that the tea trolley scene is well past its sell-by date and you should sit down with your parents and request them not to put you through that ordeal.

There are other, less degrading ways of arranging a marriage. Families can easily meet somewhere outside, like at a food court or a restaurant, where the girl isn’t required to serve or necessarily be put on display.

Also at 23, you will definitely not be left out in the cold if you don’t get married today. People are marrying later and later these days. However, if you want to marry and have children, you should aim to do it while still in your 20s or early 30s because the biological clock is real.

For now, consider your aspirations and goals before talking to your parents about marriage. Then, have an open and honest conversation with them. Express your concerns and desires respectfully, explaining that you would like to focus on completing your house job and establishing a stable career before entering into marriage.

Let them know that you have worked hard to get to where you are. Also, as a qualified woman, you will also be better prepared to contribute to your future family and fulfill your responsibilities as a spouse. Remind them that, given the current economic situation, a lot of potential husbands are now looking for partners who work. Also, as an educated partner who earns, you are less susceptible to exploitation and abuse.

If that doesn’t work, try approaching a trusted elder or family member to act as a mediator. Their experience and guidance can help your parents understand your perspective and the importance of pursuing your career goals before settling down.

Remember, marriage is a lifelong commitment and it’s essential to choose a partner when you feel ready and confident. While family and societal expectations are important, it’s equally important to prioritise your personal growth and well-being.

Take some time to reflect on your own feelings and aspirations. Consider what you truly want in life and what will make you happy. Ultimately, the decision should be based on what feels right for you.

I hope you find a resolution that respects both your parents’ wishes and your own aspirations.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 9th, 2023