Hania and Falah are two sisters with very different perspectives. Falah has a positive outlook and is grateful for what she has, and obey her parents. Hania, on the other hand, has the chronic habit of complaining to her parents about everything. Whenever she talked with her parents, she began complaining about her friends, teachers, school, schoolwork and personal life. It didn’t help that she returned to her negativity every time her parents tried to reframe Hania’s situation and show her the positive side of things.

Hania’s habitual complaining, grumbling and whining were toxic for everyone, including herself and the family environment. So, ask yourself, which one of them are you at home and school?

Why do we complain?

Complain serves as a reaction to issues or a means of expressing unhappiness. People complain for many reasons, such as due to their personality trait or the need for social support. We all whine and complain in our conversations regularly.

According to a research, 95 percent of us fail to complain directly to the person with whom we have a problem, and instead rely on the compliant ears of our friends and family. When complaining to a family or friend, we usually seek affirmation and acceptance from the listener (confirmation bias). We do not want our views and opinions to be in doubt.

Will Bowen, who wrote the best-selling book, A Complaint-Free World, says that the worst part is that most people complain between 15 and 30 times a day.

Relevant vs. irrelevant complaining — know the difference!

Not all complaints are negative. At some point, complaining is relevant and necessary. You should complain and immediately discuss with your parents, teachers and elder siblings when you encounter a bully disturbing you, an unknown person online asking for something, a friend or someone who ditched you, and anything unusual that happens to you. These are genuine reasons for you to be concerned, to feel wronged and convey it to others.

But a lot of times, people grumble to make themselves feel better, referred to as chronic or irrelevant complaining, which often starts in childhood, to earn family attention and rapport.

Hania’s early experiences may have shaped her identity and behaviour. She rejects advice because solving her problem would remove her motive to complain, compromising her sense of self. Excessive complaining regarding petty issues and things is not good; it promotes negativity and affects your personality, mental health and the people around you.

Effective complaining can improve your well-being. The crucial point is that you should analyse the situation and carry out your thoughts and complaints in a particular manner, and with a specific goal.

In a study published in the Journal of Social Psychology, researchers discovered that people are happier when they used their complaints to get a particular outcome, rather than just complaining about the sake of complaining.

How to overcome excessive complaining?

To overcome it, start by paying attention to your daily communication — whether in person, by text message or another method. Notice how much of your conversations are focused on complaints or negativity. Some of your daily communication involves dwelling on grievances or complaints. But if you notice a pattern that many of your words are focused on negativity, it may be a sign that you need to find a way to address your complaints.

Try to reduce it each day by self-control and cut off one complaint each day; in this way, you will eventually eliminate the exclusive habit of complaining from your daily life.

Journalling: Many advantages to health and wellness come from Journalling. Writing down your thoughts and feelings about an issue will help you come up with solutions and see the positive aspects of your situation.

Seeking moral support: Social support is an excellent way to reduce stress. If you have some understanding and wise people to talk to when you’re feeling down, do that. Laugh with them instead of complaining to them. Tell them how you’re feeling, get their feedback (and perhaps a hug), then move on to happier topics if you’re facing a more significant challenge — no need to remain negative.

Being thankful: A complaining tongue reveals an ungrateful heart, said William Arthur.

Counting your blessings is a great way to lift your spirits or divert your attention from your frustrations. Recognising your fate and blessings decreases your complaints from Allah, your parents, friend and family.

Footsteps: Dissatisfaction with something in life often leads to the urge to complain (often coupled with a feeling of inability to change the disturbing situation).

Complaints may indicate that something needs to be done. Therefore, the next time you want to complain, think about what you can do to improve your situation and then try to make that adjustment. Complaining will help the situation, but taking action to address it and solve the issue will lead you to feel better and happier.

Foster optimism: It is considerably simpler to break bad habits by substituting positive behaviours for negative ones. Positive words and thoughts have so many advantages over negative ones. Even if you don’t intend to stop complaining soon, it’s still worthwhile to try.

Make an effort to cut down on your complains and increase your thankfulness and optimism about life, your stress levels, and overall life satisfaction are likely to improve.

When you complain about the food, consider others who are malnourished or starving or are begging to you to get food.

When you complain about academics and tests, consider others who do not attend school and work all day.

When you complain about your siblings and family, consider those orphans who have no one to love and care for.

There is always a brighter side of things, try to see it by changing your prospective and you will feel happier and find all’s well in your life.

Published in Dawn, Young World, April 29th, 2023