Dear Auntie,

I am a 2nd year MBBS student at a prestigious medical university. My studies, religious duties, exercise routine and extracurricular activities are going well. But two thoughts bother me.

As a family, we do not appreciate the free-mixing of opposite genders at parties and other events that are now a norm in educational institutions. I have never had an affair, nor have spent long hours chatting with girls. It’s not that I consider the opposite gender aliens, because I have done numerous group presentations with them and continue to discuss study-related topics with my female classmates.

Nevertheless, when I see girls, even those in purdah, roaming around with boys and mixing with the opposite gender, I worry that I may not find a suitable match for myself. I want a girl who has refrained from these useless activities, just as I do. Since I plan to get married early, I doubt I’ll have many options available.

I plan to marry after completing my 4th year of MBBS, with a year’s study remaining before I start earning. My father has no objections to this. I belong to a well-off family, so there will be no financial issues. In our family, a boy only marries once he completes his studies and gets a job. I’ll be challenging this and, even though I have my father’s support, I doubt I’ll be able to stand up to my extended family about this ‘unconventional’ move.

‘I only want to marry a girl who has not freely mixed with boys’

These thoughts occupy my mind.

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

You value exclusivity in marriage and you have the right to value whatever you do. What you need is a wife who shares similar values. While you are surrounded by the kind of women you don’t want to marry, it shouldn’t be difficult to find the kind of partner you are looking for. Pakistan is still a very conservative country and many parents are very strict about how they bring up their children, especially their daughters.

There are many families who have a similar value system to your family. Since your parents will be looking for a life partner for you, it should not be difficult for them to find someone with a similar background. Is there a way to know for sure whether your partner has had an ex? No, there isn’t a sure-shot way of knowing that. In every marriage on the planet, you just trust and go for it, even if you are worried about such matters.

However, you need to look for more than just ‘purity’ or ‘virginity’ in a partner. There are other equally important factors, such as being kind, helpful, and supportive. Or if you will live with family after marriage, seeing if the girl’s personality will fit in. Also, think about what you will be bringing to the marriage. Your wife-to-be is also probably expecting more from you than just purity. Remember, marriage is a two-way street.

As for getting married before starting work, that is your choice. If you have always toed the family line, it will be challenging to go against the grain. Why do you want to get married a year before you start working? Why not just wait till you enter the workforce? Won’t marriage be a huge distraction when you really need to concentrate?

I know you don’t believe in the free mixing of genders but, if you can speak to your female peers who have no impact on your life, surely you should meet and discuss important life-affecting matters with a potential life partner? Please talk to your parents about letting you discuss these important matters with potential proposals. Do it with a chaperone around if you have to. Also remember, this will be a two-way discussion. She could also have a lot to say. So you have to speak as well as listen.

I hope you find and marry the partner of your dreams.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 29th, 2022