Dear Auntie 
I am a 19-year-old boy who secretly loved a girl from his family. Once I tried to talk with her anonymously, but failed miserably. A little while ago, she got engaged to someone else and is expected to get married in 2021 summer. All I want is to move on from this — which I guess I am ready to do — but I can’t get myself to stop thinking about her. I tried to make myself hate her, but I wasn’t able to do that either. I tried to figure out what made me love her, and to be honest I was not able to think of anything. I wanted to share my feelings with my parents, but I don’t have the courage to do that.  

Right now I am in a really confused state of mind. I sometimes feel like I am getting depressed and also having anger management issues. No one is to be blamed for all this except for me. I really need your help to get out of it.
Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,
What you are feeling is completely normal. This may be the first time that you have been heartbroken. However, heartbreak is a part of life and so there is no need to blame anyone else or yourself. You had feelings you couldn’t control and now you have a situation which you cannot control.

It will help your healing process to just know that many, many people have felt what you are feeling. Endless prose and poetry have been written about unrequited love, so you are in good company. It is completely normal to have a crush on someone. And sometimes it takes some time for people to get over their crushes.

‘My crush is getting married to someone else’

Yes, it is painful to watch your crush get engaged and eventually married to someone else. Next time you get that painful twang in your heart when you think about her getting married to someone else, I would suggest you don’t run from the feeling. Sit with yourself, breathe and really really feel it. Feeling the pain every time it hits you will help you to experience it and move on from your current emotional state. Be warned though that it can take time. 

It will also help you to frequently remind yourself that your crush doesn’t know about your feelings and so she doesn’t care about you. She doesn’t reciprocate your feelings for her. She probably barely cares that you exist. Ouch. I know it is difficult to accept this since you have invested so much time and so many feelings into pining for her, but you have to remind yourself that she doesn’t really care about you, so stop checking her social media or asking others leading questions to see what she

has been up to. In fact, if you can avoid bumping into her at events, you might want to do that at least for now.  

Life is too short and you want to make the most of each moment. Why spend time daydreaming about her when you can be out and about with your friends or working on bettering yourself? The more time you spend on yourself, your life, your social life, the less time you will spend thinking about her. And slowly you will get over this phase in your life. But do give yourself time and be kind to yourself. How would you treat a friend who was hurting? Be that friend to yourself. 

 At the same time, Auntie wouldn’t recommend that you make yourself hate her. When you are trying to heal from a situation, a negative emotion such as hate is only going to slow the process. So let go of any hate. Just because she didn’t pay attention to you or end up with you is no reason to dislike her. Your attempt to communicate with her didn’t work; it was just not meant to be. You are no less awesome. I hope you get through this quickly. Hugs.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, Octoberr 11th, 2020