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Smokers’ Corner: Drop the drops

June 09, 2013

Change is in the air. One can now safely suggest that the days of the previous PPP-led coalition partners, PPP, ANP and MQM are as good as over. The truly democratic forces of Pakistan seemed to have had enough. The previous government had broken all records of corruption, bad governance, intrigues and javelin throwing. Ok, so the breaking of the javelin throwing record is not such a bad thing, but still.

As Plato said, ‘If a record breaking javelin thrower is also a record breaking corrupt person, then he is a record breaking javelin thrower who is a corrupt person.’ Deep stuff this. But who needs imperialistic Greek philosophy when we have our own.

For example, insightful modern faith scholars have written numerous chapters on javelin throwers. In his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women do not Exist,’ a famous Muslim scholar, Jallal Khan (PhD, MBBS, LLB, LOL), is said to have predicted the ascent of a secular (thus corrupt) political party in a future Islamic Republic in the Indo-Pakistan.

Many tears ago many believe that Jallal was predicting the rise of the PPP in Pakistan. They use the following quote from his book to prove this. Jallal writes: ‘In the century to come, there shall rise a so-called Islamic republic in which a secular and corrupt party of wrongful Muslims would announce: Billie Jean is not my lover …’

So why did we not heed Jallal’s warning? Religious scholars including Junaid Jamshed kept pleading in their voluminous writings, lectures and chants that we should carefully pay attention to Jallal’s works.

But it is our great misfortune that the low literacy rates among Pakistani voters and the fact that hardly any one of them ever bothers to take a shower has left us with millions of illiterate and filthy people voting for corrupt record breaking javelin throwers in Sindh.

That’s why the country’s gallant forces have had to step in on numerous occasions to save Pakistan from becoming a stinking den of corruption and an unholy nightmare where women go out without a veil and have to work alongside men (and some even dance); and where men are thus forced to look at such women. This puts all kinds of unclean thoughts in the men’s otherwise clean heads.

But not all civilian politicians have been bad. For example, Nawaz Sharif, before being misguided by Robert Ludlum novels, was once an honourable and loyal servant of the defenders of the faith of the Islamic republic of the emirates of democratic welfare state of Pakistan.

Then there is Altaf Hussian, the charismatic, dynamic and magnetic leader of the MQM who has been brave enough to finally accept his party’s folly of not recognising the most devastating spectre that is haunting the republic: polio drops.

It is a shame that our corrupt (thus civilian) leaders do not have the guts to stand against polio drops that is killing trillions of innocent unborn Pakistanis.

Those carrying the drops are trained by ANP terrorists, who are on the payroll of the Americans who are on the payroll of Elvis who is still alive and was last seen on the plains of the Democratic Republic of Congo spearing innocent Muslim lions, one of them being a white Siberian tiger called Mian Sharifbrovsky, and yet we remain quiet?

Don’t we know that once we stop giving polio drops to our children our economy will drastically pick up, there will be peace and harmony, crime and drug addiction will be eradicated, there will be plenty of food, and jobs (only for males, of course), and there will be an abundance of good homely wives who will cook yummy food for their husbands, and Pakistan will once and for all become the true bastion of faith.

Many dismiss this as a fantasy. But not great men like Jim Vertebrate Khan and Cat Stevens. It is people like these who are the future of Pakistan’s democracy. By democracy I mean six wise men deciding our fate through a six-man-consensus and lots and lots of hot air.

This time let’s not let anti-Islam/Pakistan forces destroy our ways and dreams like they did in Afghanistan when they toppled the truly just, morally upright and manly kingdom of the Terrortubbies.

Can’t the apologists of polio drops see that it is turning young moms into angry revenge-seeking rebels? It is a lie saying that such moms have killed over 50,000 civilians. It’s a lie because the number is not 50,000 but 49,997.

So are you a polio drop advocate? Don’t be one, and join the jihad of true soldier-like democrats against corrupt javelin throwers and let’s turn Pakistan into a true urban middle-class IPhone loving, God-fearing, burger chomping and American-flag burning Islamic Republic Emirates Democratic Welfare State Or Something Like That of Pakistan. Amen.