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Smokers’ Corner: Drop the drops


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Change is in the air. One can now safely suggest that the days of the previous PPP-led coalition partners, PPP, ANP and MQM are as good as over. The truly democratic forces of Pakistan seemed to have had enough. The previous government had broken all records of corruption, bad governance, intrigues and javelin throwing. Ok, so the breaking of the javelin throwing record is not such a bad thing, but still.

As Plato said, ‘If a record breaking javelin thrower is also a record breaking corrupt person, then he is a record breaking javelin thrower who is a corrupt person.’ Deep stuff this. But who needs imperialistic Greek philosophy when we have our own.

For example, insightful modern faith scholars have written numerous chapters on javelin throwers. In his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women do not Exist,’ a famous Muslim scholar, Jallal Khan (PhD, MBBS, LLB, LOL), is said to have predicted the ascent of a secular (thus corrupt) political party in a future Islamic Republic in the Indo-Pakistan.

Many tears ago many believe that Jallal was predicting the rise of the PPP in Pakistan. They use the following quote from his book to prove this. Jallal writes: ‘In the century to come, there shall rise a so-called Islamic republic in which a secular and corrupt party of wrongful Muslims would announce: Billie Jean is not my lover …’

So why did we not heed Jallal’s warning? Religious scholars including Junaid Jamshed kept pleading in their voluminous writings, lectures and chants that we should carefully pay attention to Jallal’s works.

But it is our great misfortune that the low literacy rates among Pakistani voters and the fact that hardly any one of them ever bothers to take a shower has left us with millions of illiterate and filthy people voting for corrupt record breaking javelin throwers in Sindh.

That’s why the country’s gallant forces have had to step in on numerous occasions to save Pakistan from becoming a stinking den of corruption and an unholy nightmare where women go out without a veil and have to work alongside men (and some even dance); and where men are thus forced to look at such women. This puts all kinds of unclean thoughts in the men’s otherwise clean heads.

But not all civilian politicians have been bad. For example, Nawaz Sharif, before being misguided by Robert Ludlum novels, was once an honourable and loyal servant of the defenders of the faith of the Islamic republic of the emirates of democratic welfare state of Pakistan.

Then there is Altaf Hussian, the charismatic, dynamic and magnetic leader of the MQM who has been brave enough to finally accept his party’s folly of not recognising the most devastating spectre that is haunting the republic: polio drops.

It is a shame that our corrupt (thus civilian) leaders do not have the guts to stand against polio drops that is killing trillions of innocent unborn Pakistanis.

Those carrying the drops are trained by ANP terrorists, who are on the payroll of the Americans who are on the payroll of Elvis who is still alive and was last seen on the plains of the Democratic Republic of Congo spearing innocent Muslim lions, one of them being a white Siberian tiger called Mian Sharifbrovsky, and yet we remain quiet?

Don’t we know that once we stop giving polio drops to our children our economy will drastically pick up, there will be peace and harmony, crime and drug addiction will be eradicated, there will be plenty of food, and jobs (only for males, of course), and there will be an abundance of good homely wives who will cook yummy food for their husbands, and Pakistan will once and for all become the true bastion of faith.

Many dismiss this as a fantasy. But not great men like Jim Vertebrate Khan and Cat Stevens. It is people like these who are the future of Pakistan’s democracy. By democracy I mean six wise men deciding our fate through a six-man-consensus and lots and lots of hot air.

This time let’s not let anti-Islam/Pakistan forces destroy our ways and dreams like they did in Afghanistan when they toppled the truly just, morally upright and manly kingdom of the Terrortubbies.

Can’t the apologists of polio drops see that it is turning young moms into angry revenge-seeking rebels? It is a lie saying that such moms have killed over 50,000 civilians. It’s a lie because the number is not 50,000 but 49,997.

So are you a polio drop advocate? Don’t be one, and join the jihad of true soldier-like democrats against corrupt javelin throwers and let’s turn Pakistan into a true urban middle-class IPhone loving, God-fearing, burger chomping and American-flag burning Islamic Republic Emirates Democratic Welfare State Or Something Like That of Pakistan. Amen.

Comments (33) Closed

Yawar Jun 09, 2013 11:53am

LOL! Good one again, NFP.

Osman Jun 09, 2013 01:42pm

yes indeed!! :D ... brilliant stuff.

asg Jun 09, 2013 07:32pm

an article based on reality..

Practical Jun 10, 2013 06:58am

The people or the forces who do not want the children to be vaccinated with Polio drops have their own historical reason. The inventor of Polio Drops was a Jew. So probably these so called illiterate forces think by giving the children polio drops they may convert into Judaism?

Nasir Jun 10, 2013 05:55am
Also in an interview with the BBC, where he frankly and in all his senses said and I quote "Why don't they just leave?, Who's stopping them". this was our PM talking about the Pakistani people who thought of him in the same manner.
saher Jun 09, 2013 07:23pm
amazing. your work is brilliantly written.
anam Jun 09, 2013 06:58pm
thumbs up
RAW is WAR Jun 09, 2013 11:01am
Excellent commentary. I fail to understand the irrational fear of Polio drops- manly Pakistanis (or for the matter Muslim men) have? Something to do that it was developed by a Nobel prize winning Jew?
Salah uddin (Karachi) Jun 10, 2013 04:48pm
NFP, certainly change is in the air. First time a party, PTI challenged the highhandedness of MQM in Karachi & rattled the dwelling of its supremo in London. Too bad, people of Sindh voted again for the status quo., the dynastic and ethnic politics .
A.Mateen Jun 10, 2013 01:57am
I have no idea what you're talking about. Sorry, no comments
Krish Chennai Jun 09, 2013 04:35pm
As a middle-aged person, it is over 25 years since I saw how the horror of polio afflicted people I knew first-hand, in India. I can say for sure ( Allah be my witness ) it is worse than what any self-righteous representative of Taliban can inflict as punishment on anyone he sees as transgressing the Faith. What would they have to say if their own children were afflicted of polio ? These ideas are so ridiculously regressive.
BRR Jun 09, 2013 03:52pm
All this manly bravado comes at a cost - loss of common sense and reason. Similarly, the conspiracies making the rounds comes at a cost - the fog of silliness that clouds peoples thinking makes them gullible and prone to make mistakes.
G.A. Jun 10, 2013 07:22pm
I guess that would make the Jews light years ahead of Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists and Zoroastrians too. Majority of Muslims are not against invention by others and a handful of extremists don't represent the majority of Muslims.
Arif Jun 09, 2013 01:53pm
PPP lost and NFP is fuming. Polio drops. What can one say when someone like Noam Chomsky says that CIA's campaign to catch Osama using anti polio drive helped the militants' propaganda against this vaccination. with the level of illiteracy in Pakistan what else could one expect.
Saeed Jun 10, 2013 12:03am
Our problem biggest problem is popluation and every thing related to religion. We are not secular country like USA and india
SAS Jun 10, 2013 08:57am
Sir, I usually quite enjoy and look forward to your columns. This time however, to borrow a euphemism from your column, I think you've changed the tobacco you smoke. I look forward to seeing the old you again soon.
TAM Jun 09, 2013 12:13pm
I think it would also be in order if some respect was given to our ex-PM Gillani sahib who was good in everything including javelin throwing and giving a good nudge and a hard scrub of his elbow when no one was watching while walking alongside a colleague. I also liked his most endearing and inspiring quote to youngsters "If I can become a Prime Minister then why can't you become one."
sid Jun 10, 2013 11:55am
A single lamp removes all darkness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ammar Jun 10, 2013 12:38pm
me too :)
Gary Jun 09, 2013 11:20pm
Computer chips were also developed by the jews. Jews are light years ahead than muslims.
Gimme Love Jun 09, 2013 11:36am
NFP.. can you please stop wasting bytes.
Syed Asad Jun 09, 2013 08:20am
112 % according to the BBC
ahmad butt Jun 09, 2013 05:41am
There should be a way to administer polio drops and conning the people opposing it. Havent these NGO learnt anything from the Pakistani politicans. They try to administer democracy in a similar fashion
Irrfaan Akhtaar Jun 09, 2013 08:06am
i wonder what percentage of pakistani population cherish your thoughts
a.k.lal Jun 09, 2013 08:00am
a day should not come when education, medical practice and female sports cease to exist
Naveed Ikram Jun 10, 2013 07:43am
Brilliant Work!
Suhaib Jun 10, 2013 07:13am
Where does our salvation lie? Or it is as chaotic and sad as your thoughts above. Read you after many years, wasn't disappointed. Mildly amused at your tragic attempts at humor.
fida sayani Jun 09, 2013 02:47pm
Mr. Paracha it does not matter what you write in your regular Sunday column, but the fact is, in nutshell a Muslim can never be a secular or a democrat, because from the day one on this planet he is brain washed to be a fundamentalist.
G.A. Jun 09, 2013 09:30pm
'Why don't they leave then?' - PM Gilani to a Western reporter about Pakistanis wanting to leave the country for good.
Ather Jun 09, 2013 08:42am
hi, good day. count me
Muhammad Ali (Seattle, WA) Jun 09, 2013 08:48am
I heard people say, "The main problem in Pakistan is corruption". Well, then one of the following statements must be true: 1. Mian Sahib and his buddies must not be corrupt (even though his govt has been previously dismissed on charges of corruption) OR 2. The majority of Pakistan does not think that corruption is the biggest issue.
Nony Jun 09, 2013 10:40am
So we are supposed to wait till we have some record breaking javelin throwers who are not very corrupt. Should not we try record breaking conquerors who have never been tested, like people of KPK did ??
Parvez Jun 09, 2013 09:43am
One should not mix Coca-Cola with our beloved green Pakola........result as seen, can be confusing.