Dear Khala,

My husband started cheating on me soon after my second child was born. I had no idea but found out accidentally from someone I met at a party. I felt like somebody had slapped me. We had a really tough time when I found out about the affair. I could not bring myself to even look after my kids properly in the first few days. He kept apologizing to me and the children also saw some ugly scenes, but after a few weeks I forgave him. Things seemed to go back to normal, and another four years passed. I truly thought he had changed, but recently I found out that he is still cheating on me with different people. This time I was even more devastated.

He again apologised to me, when I found out. I waited for longer before forgiving him again, but I have decided that am really going to use him now. And out of guilt he is buying me whatever I desire. I pretty much do whatever I want and he has no say in what I buy, where I go and with whom and why. I have never cheated on him. I just want your opinion on what I am doing.

User

Dear Cheated on

Why do you want my opinion? Are you not happy with the state of your life? If you were truly happy with how things were panning out in your life you wouldn’t be writing to me. Auntie also believes that you are having guilt pangs over how you are treating your husband, because it is not your true nature. You do not like to use people; you are just coming from a negative emotion which in this case is vengeance. Actions that stem from negative emotions are never healthy.

Cheating scars a relationship forever. Auntie doubts anyone is able to take things back to zero and recapture how things were when life was innocent. I believe you made the first mistake when you — rather easily — forgave your husband the first time you found out. Whether it was for the sake of the children or because you needed the security of a marriage from the big bad world out there, the fact is, you stayed.

The message you sent your husband was, ‘I will stay no matter what.’ Your husband is obviously continuing doing what he has been all these years because you didn’t take any drastic action the first time it happened. And you are where you are because of it. From the sound of it, you are not happy.

This is my opinion of what you are doing.

Dear Auntie,

I am getting married very soon. It is a completely arranged marriage. I am a very shy girl; you can literally call me a ‘mashriqi larki’. I don't have any sort of communication with my husband-to-be.The problem is that my in-laws are very intruding and are not willing to give me any space. Even on my engagement day I wanted to have a traditional veil (ghoonghat) but my sister in-law came to my room and arranged my duppata as she wanted and took me with her. My mother and I resisted a lot but she didn't listen to me and all I did was look helplessly at my mother. It made me very upset because you get engaged only once (in most of the cases I must say). Since my engagement day these people have made me sick. My mother-in-law, father-in law and my sisters-in-law call me everyday even in office and at night after 12am. I never respond to their calls so late, but these things are getting on my nerves.

I can understand their love for me, but they must also understand that I am not a thing of joy for them. I also have my own life and privacy issues. I will slowly and gradually become a part of their family, but that will take some time.

Kindly tell me how I should deal with these irritating in-laws.

Irritated Bahu

Dear Fiancée,

You really should break out of this ‘mashriqi larki’ label and get to know your fiancé if you don’t want problems later in your marriage. Some traditions — such as not speaking to your spouse-to-be before marriage — are just outdated and archaic. As are interfering in-laws; the only way you can truly nip this in the bud is if you work on developing a relationship with your fiancé and define the boundaries that both of you will set with regards to in-laws. Remember, once you are married the two of you should cleave to each other and not to either of your parents. That really is the only way to make the marriage-and-in-laws nexus work.

You will not be able to move forward till you start communicating with your fiancé. He can help you set the boundaries and gently let his family know to lay off. You have to start the process now to avoid stress in the years to come. The family is more likely to listen to a reprimand coming from their own son and brother, rather than a new bride.

Why indeed are you engaged if you are not using this time to get to know each other?

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com