Asif Ali Zardari:

Wealthy salesman for Bata Shoes. Recently got a shoe thrown at him by a dissatisfied customer.

Army:

Pakistan’s largest political party. Has ruled the most without ever contesting an election. Has a wonderful tradition of coming in swinging a danda, then running out waving a white flag. Enjoys great support among the chattering classes across the country’s drawing-rooms.

America:

A very fattening beef burger which dietitians hate but can’t avoid.

Altaf Hussain:

A loud Punjabi film actor playing the role of a Mohajir politician. Also likes to wear very tight pajamas. Says they keep his weight in check. It doesn’t show, though.

Awami National Party (ANP):

A Pukhtun nationalist party which speaks a different dialect of Pushtu than the dialect used by the Taliban. For example, the word ‘democracy’ when said by ANP is mistaken to mean ‘kill me’ by the Taliban. So they keep killing ANP people believing that’s what they keep asking them to do.

ARWhy News:

A jewelry-business-turned-TV-channel that deals in rare pearls and jewels of wisdom: i.e. Shahid Masood and Aamir Liaquat.

Ahmadiyya:

A race of mutant aliens living quietly in Pakistan and whose existence only becomes known when they are either killed, attacked or bullied by righteous Pakistani Muslims.

Babar Awan:

A creepy looking politician who is planted in the PPP by a sinister underground cult organization that awaits the resurrection of Ziaul Haq.

Bhutto Family:

A political dynasty whose members are labeled as witches and sorcerers when alive but as saints and saviors after they die.

Breaking News:

Small news with big music.

Daily Jangju:

War. Conflict. Clash. Quarrel. Squabble. Profit.

Fundamentalism:

Fun according to mental people.

Fauzia Wahab:

A very boisterous lady who shouts loud little nothings until she goes from being Fauzia to Nauzia.

Fazalur Rheman:

A walking talking stomach.

Fatima Bhutto:

An angst-ridden fictional character on the famous TV soap-opera, ‘Bold and the Bhuttoful.’ Also appears in the racy novelization of the soap, ‘Songs of Blood Sword, Gore & My Furry Lil’ Teddy Bear,’ where she appears as a 3-year-old peace activist of the pacifist organization called Al-Zulfikar run by her equally peaceful and pacifist father, Murtaza Bhutto.

Hamid Gul:

Senility mistaken as nobility.

Hudood Ordinance:

A law enacted by ameer-ul-momineen Hazrat Ziaul Haq to stop women from breathing too loudly because that could distract pious Muslim males from doing good works like flogging, stoning, killing ‘kafirs,’ and discussing the divine merits of keeping a beard.

Any woman caught under the Hudood law or even seen slightly moving her nostrils while breathing is to be arrested, flogged, stoned and told about the divine merits of keeping a beard.

Imran Khan:

A middle-aged man who played cricket as if he was a politician and is doing politics as if he is was a cricketer. Also, he just can’t get himself to denounce Islamic extremists. He insists Hugh Grant is a bigger threat.

Jamat-i-islami:

A political party formed twelve hundred years ago in Baghdad during the Abbasid period.

It was rudely transported to the 20th century by an evil Jew jinn through a time traveling devise. Since then the Jamat has been stuck here, wanting to go back twelve hundred years to its own time. But the only problem is, it wants to take the whole country back with it as well.

Jemima Khan:

A very rich white woman who had a serious dislike of late Benazir Bhutto because Bhutto was almost as rich but not white enough.

Javedie Chaurdhr:

(See John The Baptist).

Kashmala Tariq:

A very pretty lady. And petite too.

Kamlan Khan:

A good example of how much good lots of mouth foam and spit can do to one’s career as a talk-show host. Always wanted to call his TV show ‘The Wrath of Khan’ instead of ‘Aaj Kamlan Khan Kay Saath’. But the owner of Peo TV, Captain James T. Kirk, refused; even though Kamlan insisted he had Klingon ancestry.

Kashmir:

A very confused map that looks one way to the Indians and another way to the Pakistanis.

Kalashnikov Culture:

An indigenous and prominent side of the Pakistani culture in which men use the AK-47 for everything ranging from fighting gang wars to firing in the air to celebrate election victories, weddings, new years eve and baby showers. Some Pakistani men have also been known to pick their teeth with an AK-47 after a hearty meal.

Klashif Abbasi:

A very rowdy mother-in-law.

Lashkar-e-Tayba:

Men who pick their teeth with AK-47’s. They burp a lot as well. Very loudly.

Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM):

A gathering of men who like to wear very tight pajamas. They also like to gather in large numbers in front of a telephone set every now and then.

Marvi Memon:

Marvi is to politics what Veronica was to Archie.

Muttahida Majlas-e-Amal (MMA):

A high-fat, asli ghee variant of M&Ms.

Mehe Bukhar:

A woman with the ability to say ‘duh’ the most loudly. Also says other things but not so convincingly.

Nawaz Sharif:

Former Lahore phelwaan (wrestler) and meat-eater who gave up wrestling and meat and became a khajoor-loving peacenik in the liberal and freewheeling country of Saudi Arabia. Returned to Pakistan with long hair and flowers in his hair. This greatly disappointed his meat-eating friends like Rana Sannullah, Ahsan Iqbal and Khwaja Rafique who lamented the fact that their ex-phehelwan buddy had become a sissy. “Where’s the beef, Mian Sahib?” They asked him. “The beef’s in the peace, mutt-heads,” he replied. This made Peo TV very sad which asked its employee, Hamid Mir, to donate some of his own fat to Mian Sahib so he could rediscover the wonders of meat. Now every time Mian Sahib’s cholesterol hits a peak, he can be heard saying things like, “no more friendly opposition;” which makes Peo TV very happy. And fat.

Nasim Tehra:

Human species of the cat family.

Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP):

(See Bhutto Family).

Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N):

(Don’t see Mohammad Ali Jinnah).

PawnNews:

An English TV news channel broadcasting in Urdu. Or something like Urdu.

Pawn:

A sun-dried sheet of paper used by very young writers, such as Ardeshir Cowasjee.

Pakistan Muslim League-Quaid (PML-Q):

(Can’t see Whatever)

Parvez Musharraf:

Someone my niece knows from Facebook.

Pakistan Thereek-e-Insaaf (PTI):

A political party which is always facing reverse swing in elections.

(See also Imran Khan).

Peo News:

A very objective, balanced and fair TV news channel which knows that the world is round but gives the largest voice and platform in Pakistan to people who claim that it is flat. However, since the world is flat bit gets Peo the most viewers and sponsors, some of its employees have actually started to believe that indeed the world is flat. And man never walked on the moon; and the Taliban are just a figment of the wild imagination of the liberals; and the recent tragic floods are actually due to the ‘sazish’ of India, Afghanistan, Papua New Gunnie and the Ahmadiyyas; and that Elvis is still alive and living somewhere in the President House in Islamabad.

Politicians:

A breed of people who are nurtured and raised as punching bags for the Army, the media and bored urban middle-class folks to vent out their frustrations and practice their latest karate chops on. And, oh, of course, politicians are the only ones in this otherwise glorious and pious country who are corrupt and should be held accountable. The rest are obviously saints.

Pervez Ilahi:

Man who couldn’t be king.

Quaid-e-Azam:

Famous Islamic warrior who fought the evil forces of Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism to create a muscular Islamic republic based on the laws of the sharia, sunnah and Saudi aid. He was also a great visionary who rightly predicted that his martyrdom will inspire the birth of other great Islamic warriors like Ziaul Haq, Hamid Gul, Rana Sannaullah, Mulla Omar and Inzimamul Haq.

Rana Sanaullah:

PML-N politician who eats a lot of raw meat and uses a wrought iron bicycle handlebar as a mustache to prove he’s a man. Also likes to hold hands and go for long walks with members of extremist organizations. (See also Mutt-Head).

Sansar Abbasi:

A newspaper reporter who spends all his time on TV. Whines a lot as well. Actually has jet black hair and beard, but uses grey hair dye to look wise and respectable, doesn’t work.

Sunni Muslims:

Muslims who fly too close to the sun.

Shia Muslims:

Muslims who only come out when there’s a solar eclipse.

Shahid Nasood:

A papaya who when affected by a rare strain of Congo fever turned into a man who when affected by a rare strain of dengue fever turned into a talk-show host who when affected by a rare strain of Zardari-tus went bonkers!

Taliban:

Cuddly teddy bears that have caused damages and deaths worth billions of dollars in Punjab and Khyber-Pukhtunkhwa but now want to give $20 million dollars to the flood victims in the Punjab and Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa. Their grudge is why the floods are killing all these Pakistanis. It should be them doing all the killing.

Wamid Mir:

Mian Nawaz Sharif’s bodyguard.

Waxpress 24/7:

An Urdu TV news channel broadcasting in English. Or something like English.

X-rated:

TV shows that can morally and politically damage young minds. Example: ‘Zalim Online,’Meray Muta-bak-bak,’ ‘Brastarps,’ ‘Nadia Can’t Show,’ etc.

YouTube:

The website from where scholars like Allama Ali Azmat gets all his knowledge, wisdom and insights from.

Zalim Liaquat:

Also known as Al-Casanova-wal-Yemeni, Zalim is a politician-turned-televangelist who specializes in reciting naats, promoting religious harmony, and burning custom-made statuettes of the Hindu goddess Kali. Is a passionate advocate of illiteracy because he believes that modern education is the work of Satan - and bad for his TV show’s ratings. Is a fan of designer shirvanees that are gifted to him by his tableeghi friend, Maullana Junaid Jamshed, who himself can’t fit into the shirvanees anymore due to the mandatory protruding paunch a tableeghi must have!

Ziaul Haq:

Famous star of various Lollywood kung-fu movies such as, Jaw of Death; The Grin Reaper; Enter The Mujahid; Judo Hudood; When Hairy Met Belly; and the The Blue Lagoon.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Do you have information you wish to share with Dawn.com? You can email our News Desk to share news tips, reports and general feedback. You can also email the Blog Desk if you have an opinion or narrative to share, or reach out to the Special Projects Desk to send us your Photos, or Videos.


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

He tweets @NadeemfParacha


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments (212) Closed




T
Sep 14, 2010 07:13pm
LOL!!!! Awesome!!!!!
nasir Mahmood
Sep 14, 2010 06:03am
Right on NFP, specially loved your take on Jinnah :)
kahn durrani
Sep 10, 2010 02:57pm
Imran khan need to be truthful to himself.he seems a bit confused,young peoples look at him as a leader. unfortunately Imran khan is not a leader but a follower.He need to set his priorities in politics as he did in cricket.
Sarvesh
Sep 10, 2010 12:34pm
Brilliant stuff, NFP! Addendum: NFP - An intrepid pawn on the sun dried broadsheet of Pawn who refuses to pawn his wit for political correctness.
Nivedita
Sep 08, 2010 07:38am
Hey Nadeem, Given your razor-sharp intellect and love for satire, why don't you attempt writing one such a dictionary on India? Since you are a Pakistani, your understanding of your side of the story may be better but there's no harm is knowing what a liberal human being and Pakistani at that thinks about India and us Indians. It'd be interesting! Just try... Best, Nivedita
Muzzammil
Sep 08, 2010 07:39am
agreed
Nivedita
Sep 08, 2010 07:40am
Besides, accept it Nadeem you do have a thing for PPP, right? That's okay so long as you accept it!
farooq
Sep 08, 2010 01:55pm
good. but not happy about remarks for Quaid and Hamid gul. other than that its nice and almost correct
Fahad
Sep 06, 2010 06:27pm
some definitions are short, some are very long... as a whole very rude and disappointing piece of work... have a strong objection on Quaid-e-Azam's definition... not good to write serious-cum-humurous stuff about him... don't get your level down NFP... it's a share piece of disappointment and empty mindedness!
Fahad
Sep 06, 2010 06:21pm
Some definitions are lengthy, some are too short... Some are annoyingly repetitive... have an objection only on Quaid-e-Azam's definition, because simply can't hear anything against him... believe it or not, but I am the one who really has respect for him... so kindly try to skip his name next time....
Bilal - UAE
Sep 05, 2010 10:49am
NFP !!! Salute !!!!
Rajesh
Sep 05, 2010 04:01am
Indian_American says: August 26, 2010 at 7:30 NFP blog is the only reason why I visit Dawn website. Dude possesses some serious humor . Keep up the good work of throwing yr funny satire at politically correct hypocrites . Pakistan need more people like you to make it a better country. GO NFP . Run for the office some day . Hang Talibans and sialkot animals !!! Imrankhan comment was the best . Agree with all the above. ALso liked the one on Jamaat - e islami. NFP you are a real blessing and it seems Pakistan does not deserve as good and as apt a critic as you.
vishnu
Sep 13, 2010 07:02am
great buddy..though i dnt know many of the persons that u have talked of here..being an indian.but it would be good and interesting to know from u as to hopw u feel about we indians, indian institutions and stuff... u serusly posses great sense of humor.. looking forward for some india special..kind of stuff from you..
Abida Bokhari
Sep 07, 2010 09:43pm
Awesome piece of work Mr Paracha. Big fan. I would say... with humor you have pointed out some interesting attributes of politicians and anchorpersons. Thoroughly enjoyed.
Independent Observer
Aug 23, 2010 06:24pm
iMRAN kHAN HAS collected more then five crore rupees for the flood victims and he has promised to deliver byhimself,great job,keep it up Imran we are with you.
M. Mustafa Khan
Aug 22, 2010 06:09am
Indeed your being Indian makes you get it, isnt it? Pray enlighten us Kapur, or do you just pat yourself on realizing a presumed Quaid joke. I am sure even you don't understand what the author meant here (if he had any sense behind this one).
Ashraf Kapadia
Aug 22, 2010 05:09am
Well you out did most comedies. I had a bigger laugh then watching Charlie Chaplin! All the comments mimic the characters they portray. While I hate most of your articles as they portray a rabidly leftist agenda, this one is a stroke of a genius!
Yasir Khwarezmi
Aug 22, 2010 03:28am
Another poor "article" from Mr. Paracha. I fail to understand where these people find the nerve to rediculate our founding father Qaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah. Something like this would never have been published on lets say Mohondas Gandhi in India. Paracha is a living proof that we do not only have poor leaders but poor writers too. But as long as we have poor readers (like the one commenting positively) people like him can get away with such tasteless article.
Murtaza Ali Jafri
Aug 26, 2010 08:54am
Fantastic dude!
Osman
Aug 22, 2010 01:05am
Regarding Imran Khan , you have hit under the belt. How does Hugh Grant come into picture, it is supposed to be a private life matter - isn't it?
Pakistani
Aug 22, 2010 12:23am
Well written But Severly misinformed about Jinnah...You need to understand what Quaid's mission was before commenting or educating other people on it.
kashif
Aug 22, 2010 12:49am
great job as always ,the comment on Quaid was satire at its best directing it towards a section of society which makes it appear this way ,besdes we should learn to laugh at ourselves and our heroes are human and to critisize them would not make us traitors , indians frequently critic Gandhi ,Nehru though Gandhi is revered around the world for his mesage of non violence but to alot of indians he was a bigot of the worst kind
Wiseman
Aug 21, 2010 11:00pm
I am ashamed of our million Pakistani brothers illiteracy but I am more concern about million more who can write awesome,brilliant and hilarious without getting in-depth knowledge on anything but they are only calling themselves intellect and they think they do live in the different panel.
radiospot
Aug 21, 2010 10:08pm
my God, i thought you were going to chip in with some decisive insght at special end there, not leave it
Shazi gul
Aug 21, 2010 06:20pm
Definition about the Army is right.... but this time they are doing excellent job in order to help Flood victims..... That we just appreciate..... but again they are not winging Danda instead doing nice work because they are at rest after a long political duty.... :)
Sidra Qasim
Aug 21, 2010 06:52pm
I never read such open and true critics. Thats totally hilarious :-). I love your dictionary, its has more worth than oxford dictionary or any.
Z
Aug 21, 2010 07:07pm
NFP: master of pouting high school humour.
Ahmed Azmi
Aug 21, 2010 07:56pm
This is really cool, wow NFP : Pawn: A sun-dried sheet of paper used by very young writers, such as Ardeshir Cowasjee.
jari
Aug 21, 2010 08:14pm
because he is Khan too.
Billu Barber
Aug 23, 2010 04:03pm
It is very easy to critisize anyone and then make a fun out of them,It is imerative for all our reader here to look inside and then judge others,how much we are doing for our fellow human they are suffering in recent flooding,do not waste your time here just get up and do things for them.
syed tanveer
Aug 21, 2010 05:25pm
I am a great fan of yours. keep it up dear
Sana
Aug 21, 2010 05:22pm
You're right. filthy satire is not for me.
ayesha khan
Aug 21, 2010 05:15pm
I noticed that too. It looks like Zaid has made himself irrelevant - hence no mention of him - whereas other guys like Amir Liaqat conti nue to spread hate and Imran continues to defend Taliban
ayesha khan
Aug 21, 2010 05:11pm
Did you think the satire was on Quaid? I do not think you understand. The satire was not on Quaid but what PML - the party he founded has become - and how far it is from his ideals.
ayesha khan
Aug 21, 2010 05:10pm
The satire was not on Quaid but what PML - the party he founded has become - and how far it is from his ideals. Instead of the secular values he propageted, yu have Shahbaz Sharif telling the Taliban to spare Punjab because PML and Taliban have similar goals!
ayesha khan
Aug 21, 2010 05:05pm
NFP is really clear in his thought process. Perhaps you are confused and do not understand?
ayesha khan
Aug 21, 2010 05:02pm
The satire was not on Quaid but what PML - the party he founded has become - and how far it is from his ideals.
Tann
Aug 23, 2010 03:55pm
Aray bhai go and pray, who's stopping you? Why do you guys have to create a mob in what YOU believe should be done.
Abid Riaz
Aug 21, 2010 04:54pm
Your comments on MQM are their dressing only. Why seems like dressing in pajamas and putting on bellies is MQM's only crime. how hypocritical!
Taha
Aug 21, 2010 04:06pm
Lolz! NFP continues the great satire! Hey swift u got competition!
glass mosaic tiles
Aug 21, 2010 03:11pm
If you say so lol :p
Aasma Qamer
Aug 21, 2010 03:05pm
Yoooooooo. NFP its marvellous
Surinder Puri
Aug 21, 2010 02:29pm
A breath of fresh air in the middle of gloom of terroism and the unprecedented floods. Mr Paracha has shown immense courage in criticising the individuals who think they are gods and organisations that have overwhelmed the society with their shallowness. Great job.
Wiseman
Aug 22, 2010 11:33am
good defender of NFP ayesha khan.
Wiseman
Aug 22, 2010 11:31am
I would like to one more correction is that Ahmedeyya live quietly but you are wrong,they have a tv channel called muslim tv which runs 24 hours giving sermons,so you are wrong here.
R S JOHAR
Aug 29, 2010 05:36pm
Nicely done NFP, but you are well short of your usual brilliance in this satire. Your comments about Imran Khan are appropriate. I have some suggestions for this great cricketer. Leave politics, which is not his cup of tea and open a cricket academy in Pakistan or become a bowling coach of Indian cricket team.
Naseemshad
Aug 29, 2010 04:02pm
**his name should not have been included in this dictionary among all these people he is the only leader undisputed l leader we have** What have you searched in the history about him. What do you know about him except looking at his portrait in newspapers, every office and offcourse every bill of money you carry in your pocket. Get the head out of the sand and look around.
Zubair Murshed
Aug 21, 2010 12:49pm
Bravo Nadeem Paracha, Love your analysis and wit. More power to you and writers like you.
Sohail Azam
Aug 22, 2010 11:06am
ZABARDAST......................................NFP
Janjua
Aug 21, 2010 12:13pm
Very Well Said Raza. @Sana! Please take his advise.. This is a piece of satire and NFP has just mentioned Quaid-e-Azam as he has been portrayed to us since our childhood, i.e., a religious figure or a Mulla which he never was. He was a Great Leader and The Great Founder of our Country but he's a secular and modern man.
Sakina Alie
Aug 21, 2010 12:04pm
Also write about Shoaib Malik, Meera and Begum Nawazish :p
M. Asghar
Aug 21, 2010 11:56am
Some entries are good but quite a few words and their definitions lack the cultural bite and fail to ignite the imagination.
sabahat
Aug 21, 2010 11:13am
NFP kamal kr dia dude. awesome. missed zaid hamid in it. zalim liaquat, army and imrankhan are on top for me. keep it up. you definitely are the supersatire man in pak.
Kabeer
Aug 21, 2010 10:38am
I totally agree with IO that we all should pray in this holy month of Ramadan that almighty God forgive us for putting up with tyrants like Zia ul Haq and save our nation from his haunting ghost
Kabeer
Aug 21, 2010 10:44am
But I still think that Quaid-e-Azam was / is above all these things, his name should not have been included in this dictionary among all these people he is the only leader undisputed leader we have
Fayyaz Hafeez
Aug 21, 2010 09:56am
Good to laugh, but the words about Quaid-e-Azam is really very offensive, Sorry to say to NFP, are you treat your own Father like in the same way, then write something for your father also, Quaid-e-Azam is Father of Entire Nation which includes you as well.
Kabeer
Aug 21, 2010 09:54am
I agreed with all those readers who are offended by the inclusion of Quaid-e-Azam's name in this dictionary because he is the only leader whom the whole nation adores. It is a disgrace for Quaid-e-Azam even to mention his name with these sort of people
G.A.
Aug 21, 2010 09:53am
Hillarious! Especially a comment regarding maulana Diesel - walking talking stomache. How could you miss Zion 'Pied Piper' Hamid?
Kabeer
Aug 21, 2010 09:10am
I agreed with all those readers who were distasted by the inclusion of Quaid-e-Azam's name in this dictionary because he is the only leader whom the whole nation adores it is a disgrace for Quaid-e-Azam to mention him with these sort of people by any reference
Independent Observer
Aug 21, 2010 03:21am
This is a month of ramadan and one should avoid gibbat if you can not observe fasting nad other ibaadat.Here we are taking mickey out of dead and alive people but not ourselves.have we looked down ourselves what kind of people are we?It is imerative to observe all the time but in the ramadan saytan is been kept under check so it is a bit easier to control ourselves,pray for everyone that allah gave us hidaayat to do good and refrain from evil.aamin
haris mir
Aug 21, 2010 07:00am
da coment about quaid-e-azam ws a bit offensive odawis it ws a real fun read, n sm ov it ws REALY true ;)
Umair Ali Rashid
Aug 21, 2010 06:58am
You missed out NFP.
Khan
Aug 21, 2010 06:44am
the one on army was the best one. loved it.
Kabeer
Aug 21, 2010 06:33am
I fully agreed atleast Raisani should have not been overlooked because of his golden saying of this century that "a degree is a degree whether it is authentic or fake"
vijay india
Aug 21, 2010 06:14am
Good for NFP that you didnt get
Kabeer
Aug 21, 2010 06:28am
NFP You are again very true regarding Imran Khan I cannot understand that how a person educated from Oxford and married a Brit can support terrorists. He never spare a single chance to advocate the terrorists views on media. Two days when I was viewing BBC television he was giving interview regarding current flooding in Pakistan but again in the end he as usual started giving sermon to Westerners in particular and the whole world in general that terrorism is nothing, terrorism is not a big issue. I wonder how come a sane person can compare terrorism and a natural calamity (flooding) even in his conversations. Natural calamity can be overcome through concentrated efforts in a short span of time because it a matter of material, whereas terrorism is a mindset and cannot be changed in few days or through halfhearted efforts. The effected persons (terrorist) is not only dangerous for the society but also dangerous for the whole human race.
Zafar AlSyed Chicago
Aug 21, 2010 06:10am
What about NFP? Did the writer ignore himself? The writers can only be effective when they rise above the practice of writing for the sake of writing or building a fan bank which is a fashion now a days.
shad
Aug 21, 2010 06:02am
Bravo keep it up.
Ambreen
Aug 21, 2010 05:48am
Got a good laugh, however I feel including Quaid-e-Azam in this list is in poor taste!
Karan
Aug 21, 2010 05:53am
Exellent.
Salman
Aug 21, 2010 05:47am
He
Aftab Kenneth Wilson
Aug 21, 2010 05:41am
Ha ha ha ha ha. Very Good. You said it all again.
Bilal
Aug 21, 2010 04:46am
What a classy article!!! I gotta read more of your stuff Mr. Paracha....became an istantaneous fan...keep it coming.....
S.A
Aug 21, 2010 04:20am
Well said! Lolzzzzzzz....
Dr. Toor
Aug 21, 2010 04:05am
another masterpiece!
Pardesi
Aug 21, 2010 03:51am
Hilarious and Superb. How about adding: TV anchors' favorit chat idol "Hellry Clanton"? Qurbani - a new concept of spending time behind the bars for money embezzlement and then coming out claiming to be a Pakistani Nelson Mandela. Shaheed - equivalent to a knighthood prefix for the Bhutto khandan
kashaf
Aug 21, 2010 02:46am
LAWL!!
Shakeel.Quddus
Aug 21, 2010 02:41am
If the man works for the Batas as a salesman and becomes wealthy, this is quite an accomplishment. Then he manages to win the heart of the woman happens to be the leader of the country is more than an acheivement. Then he himself becomes the leader of the country is an extra ordinary accomplishment. Despite all the odds stacked agaist him for example fighting the insurgency within the country and keeping the country at peace so far is an achivement. If some disgruntled man throws a shoe at him, does one really think the man of quite accomplishments is actually tarnished? Please.
Sam Mehta
Aug 21, 2010 02:39am
Simply hilarious. Too good!
junaid
Aug 21, 2010 02:15am
NFP - VERY CONFUSED
Misha
Aug 21, 2010 01:57am
Absolutely fabulous. Had me in stitches.
Sharif
Aug 21, 2010 12:20am
I tkink you are not the only person :)
Sharif
Aug 21, 2010 12:19am
You sure after another century it will?
JP
Aug 21, 2010 12:05am
intelligent, very much so.
Kamran Azim
Aug 20, 2010 11:20pm
Good humour. After a while you wrote something good.
rz
Aug 20, 2010 11:03pm
That is Hilarious NFP. Loved the "Hazrat Ziaulhaq", "Hugh Grant" and "khajoor-loving peacenik" references. Excellent observations.
Hardcore Fan
Aug 20, 2010 10:38pm
unbelievably good.Love ur work
obaid
Aug 20, 2010 10:00pm
Let's add one more NFP
Ashwin
Aug 20, 2010 09:18pm
You are one of the best when it comes to satire.But sometime you write some nasty and dark things.please some laughter also with your satire.Pakistan needs a few smiles. Once thank you to guys like you and Naqvi.may your tribe flourish
Vineet joshi
Aug 20, 2010 09:10pm
My only grouse is that NFP was born in Pakistan Only if he was an Indian, the political landscape of Indian jokers would have given an immense canvass to his talent.
rajesh
Aug 20, 2010 08:39pm
Wholesome!
Muhammad Farooq
Aug 20, 2010 08:14pm
Qauid-e-Azam was all for secularism. Had the Quaid got a second life, he would have sent Zia to the gallows at the first available opportunity. NFP needs to revisit Quaid's dictionary definition.
Irfan
Aug 20, 2010 08:21pm
Spot on :) You got it right about everybody and also appreciate your insight about Imran Khan as few people see him what he actually is.
Muhammad Farooq
Aug 20, 2010 07:56pm
i can understand your frustration NFP.
Sana
Aug 20, 2010 07:39pm
@ NFP You should have had left Quaid-e-Azam atleast, as he is the founder of this very newspaper who is giving you space to let your thoughts out infront of everyone! Couldnt you be thankful to him, for somehow, he has provided you the platform to use your right of "freedom of insulting" even himself?? Hope Dawn would not stop these comments from publishing as you guys are letting NFP to speak out. My post is far more moderated than NFP's.
Kamal Memon
Aug 20, 2010 07:29pm
My word !!! :D :D ..... take a bow sir ! .... Satire at its best !
Baba
Aug 20, 2010 07:12pm
Paracha saab, great work. Some real gems there: "Fundamentalism: Fun according to mental people. YouTube: The website from where scholars like Allama Ali Azmat gets all his knowledge, wisdom and insights from. Ahmadiyya: A race of mutant aliens living quietly in Pakistan and whose existence only becomes known when they are either killed, attacked or bullied by righteous Pakistani Muslims." Have been following DAWN long enough to understand most of the stuff you mentioned. Love from New Delhi
Araj
Aug 20, 2010 07:08pm
The Grin Reaper: classic !!!!!!!!!!!!!! hats off to u Mr. NFP!!!!!!!!!!!
Faheem
Aug 20, 2010 07:04pm
Hilarious! okay here is another one
Neel
Aug 21, 2010 07:51am
Interesting. You are also 'taking mickey out of alive people' by condescending others
Ahmed
Aug 20, 2010 07:02pm
vow...
saleem b
Aug 20, 2010 06:59pm
Excellent stuff my friend! excellent!
Alvina
Aug 20, 2010 07:00pm
excellent..the best is about our politicians
Shah Salim Ahmed
Aug 20, 2010 06:56pm
MR.NADEEM PARACHA, C/O, DAWN, KARACHI. SUB : POLITICS & MEDIA IN PAKISTAN : ANOTHER NEW DICTIONARY. MR. PARACHA, I READ YOUR , ARTICLE UNDER SUBJECT AND GOT CONFIRMED THAT FLOWER IS KNOWN BY ITS FRAGRENCE , YOU ARE RECOGNIZED BY YOUR "DICTIONARY". " I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN. TILL THEN, SO LONG !
Sakina Alie
Aug 20, 2010 06:56pm
It was awesome.... LOVED READING IT!!!!
HAAMID PEERZDA
Aug 20, 2010 06:46pm
HATS OFF TO NFP,BRILLIANT, AMAZING AND WHAT NOT & AS A KASHMIRI I LIKED D KASHMIR COMMENT
Rahil
Aug 20, 2010 06:53pm
Awesome NFP>..simply Awesome...
barelvo molvi
Aug 20, 2010 06:36pm
Take a bow at dargah!pir saab!
Mohan Kapur
Aug 20, 2010 06:26pm
You are not alone. Most of the Pakistanis don,t get it. It is funny, but very true.
Anam
Aug 20, 2010 06:26pm
I don't get what you really meant by writing about Jinnah. :s -- where did he come here in the dictionary of dirty politics. and where is Zaid Hamid - as i was reading down, i was hoping to see his name. I guess you took people's comments wayy to seriously - Its kinda incomplete without that bone head.
Friendly Neighbours
Aug 20, 2010 06:22pm
Thx Nadeem for not giving any undue importance to some insignificant characters who are just dying to prove their relevance, whom sometime few accuse you to be obsessed with. I also want to express my sincerest regrets for the loss of life and property in the unprecedented floods, wish as an Indian I could do more than just hoping for speedy restoration back to normalcy like many of my fellow countrymen. Although as a public health specialist and disaster manager with a UN agency I know it will take hell lot of time and considering the apathy of ruling elite and flow of international aid it seems a distant dream but hey, we south asians are staunch optimists, our best trait, which keeps us going despite all the tragedies. Peace to all!
Shahbaz Ali
Aug 20, 2010 06:00pm
Wow!!!! Amazing piece, Sir!!!
Saleem Baig
Aug 20, 2010 06:01pm
Bravo, one shall include this in CSS current affairs paper:)
EmJay
Aug 20, 2010 05:59pm
Nice, but how do we define NFP in this new dictionary?
S. Nasir Mehdi
Aug 20, 2010 05:55pm
I could not follow your remarks about QuaD - e- Azam, did you mean Mohammad Ali Jinnah. Why you avoided other state actors like Zars.
S. Nasir Mehdi
Aug 20, 2010 05:56pm
clumsy remarks
shaukat chughtai
Aug 20, 2010 05:51pm
Pakistani people mustbe mentally prepared to accept next synasties. Please throw light on the next dynasties or would be rulers of this poor crowd of people.
Nabiha Chauhdry
Aug 20, 2010 05:50pm
HILARIOUS! Puts cold water on my otherwise repulsion of NFP :D
shaukat chughtai
Aug 20, 2010 05:48pm
Wd u kindly add another masalah "aitzaz ahsan'
Sanjay
Aug 20, 2010 05:41pm
"Their (Taliban) grudge is why the floods are killing all these Pakistanis. It should be them doing all the killing" You just give me the laughing medicine for whole week. Thank you, thank you.
Bilal Ramzan
Aug 20, 2010 05:38pm
truly refreshing..MQM's one was just too hilarious..:D
Faraz
Aug 20, 2010 05:31pm
NFP's satire does not do justice to everyone. He seems to be biased against and in favor of many individuals/parties. For example, his criticism on Geo, Shahid Masood and Imran Khan are, I feel, overdone. Whereas his satire on Altaf Hussain and MQM is either non existent entirely or very mild ... just so he makes himself and everyone else feels better that 'noone is spared'. There is no running away from this, he is biased I enjoy his writings nonetheless.
Talat
Aug 20, 2010 05:30pm
Brilliant. Could'nt agree more with your descriptions! Anyone else want to join the club?
Rao, Hyderabad
Aug 20, 2010 05:20pm
After reading many a brilliant articles from his pen, seeing this type of bald humour is rather sickening.
hallwall
Aug 21, 2010 07:48am
I'm sure, had NFP not mentioned your favourite, Ziaul haq, you wouldn't have seen any 'ghibat' at all. Stop preaching. We have enough preachers.
Ashish
Aug 20, 2010 05:16pm
where is our dear old Zaid Hamid? This can never be complete without his definition
Saif-ul-Haq
Aug 20, 2010 05:13pm
Well... sorry to say but this write-up reflects a person wanting make himself visible... oh such a poor try... he (Mr. Paracha) dosent know even abc of anything but only want to blame everyone except himself
Raj
Aug 20, 2010 05:10pm
Zaid Hamid, Future Candidate For Nobel Peace Prize.
sakeel
Aug 20, 2010 04:58pm
wholesome.
sakeel
Aug 20, 2010 04:57pm
I dont think ou are reading whole.
sakeel
Aug 20, 2010 04:56pm
I did not find funny in quaid-azam defination
Farhan
Aug 20, 2010 04:56pm
I wish everyome in country woud appreciate that!
uzma
Aug 20, 2010 04:55pm
JAZAKALLAH ! FOR USING such good discription about JAMAT_I_ISLAMI.
Neel
Aug 20, 2010 04:41pm
Nice. "Kalashnikov Culture: ..... tooth-picking" takes the cake!!
Noshirwan Sheriyarji
Aug 20, 2010 04:44pm
Excellent NFP. I skipped my lunch time and read your article. Nosh
Nauman
Aug 21, 2010 08:35am
Maybe. But, Oh look what the political leaders are up to this month. Staging up fake clinics in the flood stricken areas and trying to score points, posing for fake 'humdardi' sentiments of the aggrieved victims. One calls this is evil. What NFP has written is too mild in comparison. NFP come again, what did you say about Jamat-i-Islami?
Raza
Aug 21, 2010 08:02am
You completely missed the point about Jinnah. You need to read between the lines. If you still can't get it then probably this style of expression (satire) is not for you.
Raza M.Qureshi
Aug 20, 2010 04:06pm
What a wonderful dictationary written by "Nadeem F.Paracha", but I can't find some more characters,Rtd Gen Aslam Baig,Dr Rehman Malik,Raja Perves Ashraf,Qamar uz Zaman Kaira,Farhat ullah Babar, Dr Firdaus Awan, Governor Salmaan Taseer, Wajid Shamsul Huda Pakistani High commission UK,Qazi Hussain Ahmed,Ch Shujait Hussain., last but not the least our honorary president Asif Ali Zardari. Two analyses are very interesting, Kashmir map and Moulana Fazal ur rehman. Good work by the writer.
Ali
Aug 20, 2010 03:18pm
Its satirical. Depicts the current (distorted) perception of the Quaid.
M. Shoaib
Aug 20, 2010 03:14pm
LOL MQM! Telephone set!
Hi There
Aug 20, 2010 03:14pm
Ha ha :)
saad khalid
Aug 20, 2010 02:48pm
U left : NFP
Zubair
Aug 20, 2010 12:07pm
Awesome!
Musab Iftikhar
Aug 20, 2010 12:08pm
Awesome. Take a bow, NFP.
Noman Khan
Aug 20, 2010 12:09pm
You forgot to write about Zaid Hamid :(
FAJ
Aug 20, 2010 12:14pm
Lol!!! Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM): A gathering of men who like to wear very tight pajamas. They also like to gather in large numbers in front of a telephone set every now and then.
Zain Ally
Aug 20, 2010 12:16pm
This is an excellent piece, yet again NFP!. Kudos to you. This could turn into a complete dictionary for our aspiring, future rulers of the country, to name a few: Mr. Bilawal BZ, Mr. Hussain N, Ms. Bakhtawar BZ and Ms. Fatima B
DataWiz
Aug 20, 2010 12:21pm
I don't get the point about Quaid-e-Azam.
saud ahsen
Aug 20, 2010 12:34pm
couldn't be better.... :)
Billu Barber
Aug 23, 2010 12:15pm
I am an Indian muslim so I dont know how zia was in his time.
Billu Barber
Aug 23, 2010 12:16pm
stay in stiches as long as you can.
ashrafkhetran
Aug 20, 2010 12:46pm
Well written satire, but forget about Farooq /leghari, Ghulam Ishaq Khan, Raisani and MUSRAT SHAHEEN.
Ganesh
Aug 20, 2010 12:52pm
The best is Kashmir .... hmm lets wait for another century for it to be resolved.
Ibtisam
Aug 20, 2010 12:58pm
PawnNews and Waxpress ka maza nahi aya! and yes you forgot Zaid Hamid!?! :O
Rajneesh
Aug 20, 2010 01:09pm
Awesome stuff!!One complaint though - why don't we hindus and/or Indians figure in your dictionary?
Sarosh
Aug 20, 2010 01:21pm
u forgot to write about the famous NFP...
Fan
Aug 20, 2010 01:21pm
It's simple. NFP has described him the way a lot of religious parties and many history books describe him. :) This yet again a very sharp satire by Paracha. Kudos all the way.
Hasan
Aug 20, 2010 01:22pm
it's view of him as portrayed to us by some.
M. Asghar
Aug 20, 2010 01:24pm
Some of the descriptions are reasonably piquant and pinching, but most of the others are rather wet sguids that need to be rendered "ignitable" by sharpening their peppering quality.
sdas
Aug 20, 2010 01:27pm
Creme de la Creme !!!
Sheikh Chilli
Aug 20, 2010 01:30pm
Again excellent work NFP!!
shailesh
Aug 20, 2010 01:33pm
i think NFP is the only sensible ( and funny) journalist unlike others who dont dare to criticize or satirize their own people. great article.
hussain
Aug 20, 2010 01:35pm
Where is Paracha in the dictionary ?
Ali
Aug 20, 2010 01:38pm
Good to see NFP doing what he does best - dry, sharp-edged political satire. Also good to know that he is trying to stay away from becoming stale by avoiding Zaid Hamid.
yawar
Aug 20, 2010 01:39pm
"Marvi Memon: Marvi is to politics what Veronica was to Archie." LOL!! And "Parvez Musharraf: Someone my niece knows from Facebook. Top stuff all of it.
ayesha khan
Aug 20, 2010 01:40pm
No Gilani and Kayani?
Ali
Aug 20, 2010 01:40pm
I think he's trying to stay away from becoming cliched - ripping on Zaid Hamid is something you'd totally expect from NFP, good to know that he keeps his readers intrigued by avoiding cliches
Naqi
Aug 20, 2010 01:51pm
Good! Would have been better if NFP comments on himself somewhere too.
Daniyal Zaidi
Aug 20, 2010 01:56pm
I never actually comment on any of Parcha's articles but do read em all, but this one is hilarious! Although i must ask, what are his own views? He attacks almost everyone. from GEO to Army to Tv Hosts, and Islamic firqas, what are his own political and religious and social views?
Sufiyan
Aug 20, 2010 01:59pm
Kudos! This is just awesome. NFP is a genius!
rich05
Aug 20, 2010 02:19pm
great, u forgot to write about mian moin ansari the great
hina
Aug 24, 2010 07:18pm
Thumbs up! LOL Jamaat-i-islami was the funniest......hahahaha and Nawaz Sharif ....long hair.....hahahahah.
Indian_American
Aug 26, 2010 02:30am
NFP blog is the only reason why I visit Dawn website. Dude possesses some serious humor . Keep up the good work of throwing yr funny satire at politically correct hypocrites . Pakistan need more people like you to make it a better country. GO NFP . Run for the office some day . Hang Talibans and sialkot animals !!! Imrankhan comment was the best .
nelu
Aug 23, 2010 10:27am
he thinks everythin is v simple n easy. he juz talks. its easy to say...
Muhammad Imran Khan
Aug 29, 2010 06:34am
ha ha ha! hilarious! and productive too.
Saleem b
Aug 24, 2010 10:36am
...and so the ostrich buries its heads head in the sand!
Usman Hussain
Aug 23, 2010 09:06am
Any logical person with a good sense of humor would do the same. Better wisen up 'wiseman.'
Farah khan
Aug 28, 2010 02:54pm
hmmm good one.. i did not like what you wrote about Imran Khan and Quiad-e-azam. but few were very good...
Kabeer
Sep 08, 2010 12:10pm
No Mr. Naseem shad, I have read a lot about Quaid-e-Azam he was a man of integrity no other leader of his time match his qualities even his opponents spoke good about him I advice you to read history even then you think there were or are better leader then name only one
mohsin
Aug 23, 2010 08:43am
totaaly agree !!
Nishaa
Aug 30, 2010 11:33pm
This was hilarious !LOL
chak
Aug 25, 2010 08:00am
If she becomes another Benazir it would be such a tragedy for so many people. i would rather she really matures and becomes a real leader.
vijay india
Aug 24, 2010 06:13am
Very True. We do criticize M.K Gandhi, Nehru, Indira Gandhi for their short comings. But it really does not mean that they have not done anything to the country. Thats why we have some sort of security eventhough we are still a developing nation. Critisism helps. Democracy is all about keeping the rulers on their toes always. It is as good as telling them to DO MORE.
Usman Hussain
Aug 24, 2010 05:45am
Can you provide us the link or the source of this news?
saleem b
Aug 24, 2010 02:59am
he was barber of a different kind :)
Ishaq
Aug 23, 2010 05:59am
U missed Salman Taseer man...... let me try.. Salman Taseer: A man who wear Glasses in the dark and best friend of Sharief Brothers :)
Kabeer
Aug 23, 2010 06:06am
It is the duty of elected representatives (politicians) to evolve consensus regarding construction of dams otherwise it would have been a blunder on the part of any other institution to build a dam of his own because construction of big dams is bit an emotional matter in some provinces
Conspiracy Tehreek
Aug 23, 2010 04:36am
Just like George Bush
Conspiracy Tehreek
Aug 23, 2010 04:33am
Hilarious!
Kabeer
Aug 25, 2010 05:46am
I agree with you Imran Khan is good at raising funds and he should do the things which he can do or able to do....... I think you understand what I am saying
SB
Aug 24, 2010 01:42am
jamat's was the best, "....wanting to go back twelve hundred years to its own time. But the only problem is, it wants to take the whole country back with it as well."
SB
Aug 24, 2010 01:40am
not a good advice, barbarians don't care of Ramazan, it is very dark and filthy out there and someone has to stand up and show us mirror; that is what NFP is doing.
shermalick
Aug 23, 2010 03:32am
If they don't spread hatred towards other faiths(which they don't) then they stil be considered living quitely.
Peter
Aug 25, 2010 05:06am
Perhaps you should keep your religious beliefs and practices to yourself!
Saleem b
Aug 23, 2010 01:25am
oh wise one you "enlighten" us again :)
Saleem b
Aug 23, 2010 12:52am
because denial gives instant nods from many in the chattering class as NFP calls them!
nagu
Aug 25, 2010 03:27am
consensus of elected representatives under a coup. kabeer, that was just another satire right?
shermalick
Aug 23, 2010 04:07am
people with NO sense of humor should stay away from public forums. Jinnah was great man but he was not a religious man, maybe that is the reason he was a great man. the above definition is how he is portrayed by NOT so human/religious fanatics, remeber this article is supposed to be a satire.
Humayun
Aug 22, 2010 09:39pm
LOL @ because he is Khan too.. There are punjabi taleban as well..do not stereotype certain ethnicity as being terrorist. tho your comment is funny.
yawar
Aug 22, 2010 05:18pm
He's mocking those who have made a hash of Jinnah's image, yasir. Just how can ppl like you who have no clue what satire is ever bother to read writers like NFP.
Ali
Aug 27, 2010 01:49pm
definition of NFP :P ???
AKS
Aug 22, 2010 06:53pm
Superb! Hilarious! The one on Quaid was the best. Keep it going.
Fatima Hameed
Aug 22, 2010 07:30am
I object to your comment on Fatima Bhutto. Granted she is emotionally stuck at age 13 (time of her father's murder). But Intellectually she is a giant. Someday. she will break this emotional block, grow up and be another Benazir. Just you wait.
yawar
Aug 22, 2010 05:26pm
You wouldn't have been asking this had you been following his writings. Try going on Dawn Columnists page of simply click on his byline and you'll know what his views are.
yawar
Aug 22, 2010 05:19pm
Huh? Sakeel mian what on earth was that all about??
ayesha khan
Aug 22, 2010 04:58pm
But the failure to build the dam during 9 years of army rule is a key cause for the floos. That also should not be forgotten.
ayesha khan
Aug 22, 2010 04:59pm
Reading in between lines, he appears to be a strong supported of the PPP. Also he seems to be a Muslim who is distressed by the hijacking of 'Islam' by the mullahs and terrorists.
uthman hiyat
Aug 30, 2010 06:12am
Truth with a twist. Brilliant.
shermalick
Aug 23, 2010 03:59am
You should not be reading these satires.
Billu Barber
Aug 22, 2010 03:05pm
NFP take a rest in a month of ramadhan,just a piece of advice from billu
A.S
Aug 24, 2010 07:45pm
I DO see his name in the list and a definition against his name
Gr
Aug 22, 2010 07:52am
seriously people he meant how the Quaid has and is being portrayed in our country don't comment if you cant understand humor