Dear Auntie,  I have been married for five years to my cousin and have two kids. It was an arranged marriage and she is about 10 years younger. We live in a joint family. Out of these five years, she has spent three years at her parents’ home (my khala and khaloo) due to our rows (although I never forced her to go). The first time it was my mistake. I slapped her as her family interfered in our way of life. Her father and brother came at night, fought with me and took her with them. After that it has become a constant tactic. The second time I did not even touch her but she accused me beating her and stayed at her parents’ for a year. This time, the third time, she beat my sister who almost died as a result of it. Now she has again started the same propaganda and has been there for one year.

The problem is that she listens to her sister and parents religiously. If they say it is night, she will say it is night. She played a huge part in trying to break my sister’s rishta. We caught her red-handed. She remains ok for four months and then again starts playing politics and fighting. I have tried this time to reason with her parents, but they are as immature as her. I even gave her a separate kitchen, (although they never asked for a separate house). My wife and I have a communication gap as well. Sometimes I think of taking her mobile away to keep her from getting bad guidance from her sister. Only due to my daughters I am tolerating it, though I am losing my patience and thinking of ending this relationship.

 PS: Everybody in the family had proposals for me, and my wife initially was so thankful about this marriage. One issue was that when we asked for her hand, her parents wanted me to marry her elder sister which I refused and maybe she is taking that revenge now.   Dear Stop-the-violence,

The violence has to stop if your family is to solve this problem. Slapping your wife or your wife beating your sister is no way to deal with a problem. Have you thought about what you are teaching your children? Auntie implores both of you to think of your two children before you say or do anything from now onwards. From now on, stop, breathe and think long and hard about the consequences of your actions beyond the next five minutes.

Your wife and you need to sit down for a long chat. Remember though, if you get angry during the discussion walk away instead of getting violent or engaging in an argument. If this discussion does not work I urge you to seek counselling in an attempt to save your marriage and for the sake of your two daughters. I also urge you and your wife to seek professional help for anger management.

During the discussion tell your wife that in order to make this marriage work both of you should make each other a priority, instead of prioritising your respective parents or family. Until you both decide that your spouse is the most important person in your marriage, the union will not work. Both of you should be first on each other’s priority list. If a third person becomes important, your marriage is in trouble. One way of getting this idea through to your wife is by reminding her that her parents are a unit precisely because they have given each other priority. Tell her that her mom comes first for her father and vice versa and that is why their marriage is successful.

Dear Auntie

I hail from Balochistan. Despite the fact that I belong to a family where education is not given much importance, I moved to Karachi for further education after my schooling from my home town. I graduated in commerce and am currently doing my MBA. I am the only person in the whole family who enrolled in a formal educational institution. Owing to lack of education and backwardness, most of the people from my tribe associate education with employment and believe that an educated person is supposed to have a well-paid job and a lucrative career, whereas it is more than that. I also want to become an inspiration for my relatives who don’t know the value and power of education. Now as a sole graduate, my family has great deal of expectations that I would have a luxurious job that would make their dreams come true. As a job-seeker, I know how tough the job market is. Their high expectations are causing me considerable distress. I have applied for several jobs but haven’t been able to get one. It is not that I am unable to find a job, I am trying, but the main issue is that they are expecting too much.

I am in dire need of guidance. Please tell me what are my chances of getting out of this dilemma?

In a Tight Spot

Dear Educated,

Congratulations on being the first in your family to pursue higher education. Stories about people like you are inspirational and you should be proud of all you have achieved. The problem is not that the family is pressurising you. It is that you are putting pressure on yourself. While you cannot manage the family’s expectation, you can certainly manage the amount of pressure you put on yourself. Remind yourself that you have come a long way from where you were and you will achieve all your dreams if you persist. If a well-paid job is what you are after, set the intention, explore all avenues and most importantly give it time. Be patient. Your first job may not be as well paid as you would like, but persist and you will get there. In the meantime keep reminding yourself that your family has no idea about the job market and unrealistic expectations because this is all new for them. You are better equipped to gauge the situation and should seek advice regarding your career from people who are already in successful careers.

If you want and if you think it will help, talk to the family and tell them that getting an education does not guarantee a job but it does increase the likelihood of the person finding a well paid opportunity, exponentially.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, January 15th, 2017