Dear Aani, I am a vegan and I need friends in Pakistan. I want the world to know how it’s becoming so important day by day for the planet and for all of us too. I am a student so I can’t start a campaign right now, but suggest me how can I save the planet, animals and humans as soon as possible.

Vegan

Dear Don’t Preach,

Is being vegan a requirement to become your friend? Because if it is, you aren’t going to find too many friends here or generally in the world.

The best way to make friends, regardless of whether you are vegan or not, is to accept everyone for who they are. You may be a new vegan and maybe all your conversations with people are about preaching to them about the benefits of veganism and how it will save the world. In that case, you will only end up with people who will be defending their lifestyle choices when they are with you and will eventually end up avoiding you.

You probably became a vegan out of compassion for animals. Please show some of that compassion for other human beings by accepting their choices and lifestyle. With certain people, you might decide to meet on occasions that do not involve food and eating. If the relationship is important to you, avoid any talk of veganism and hang out in situations where you aren’t likely to get involved in a debate about your choice.

Also understand that most people in the world are not vegan and neither were you probably just a few years ago. Everyone is on a journey, some may take the same path as you, others will not. You cannot force others to be like you. And just as you can make friends with people of other preferences, ethnicities and religions, you can also make friends who have eating habits that are different from yours. Peace!

Pyari khala

I’m a practicing Muslim girl. I love to wear hijab and cover myself accordingly. But a few days back I was going to my coaching centre when I was physically harassed by a man on bike. Not something serious, but an episode that left me extremely disturbed. I felt like I lost something, and kept thinking somehow that it was my fault; that I shouldn’t have left the house in the first place, or should have run. etc. I don’t know why but I feel like now I could never be what I was before. Like I’m not as good a Muslim as I thought I was. I’ve become so scared that I’m unable to leave the house by myself anymore. The more I think about it the more depressed I become. I think I need help.

P.S: My family is not the kind where we discuss these things openly.

Yours

Disturbed

Dear Relax,

How you wish you could have kicked the man where it really hurts! But when this sort of street harassment actually happens most women are just caught unawares. The negative feelings that surface post harassment can put a damper on your worldview. Of course, it was not your fault. You were not expecting this and you have more right to be walking down the street than a dirty old lech who ought to be locked up.

If the trauma is just too much to cope and you find that you cannot get the incident out of your head, you really should seek professional help. Understand that your fears and your emotions are valid and they need an outlet. At home you should seek out a corner and really let out your emotions. Cry or really yell into a pillow if you need to. You could even pretend that your pillow is that dirty old lech and really bash it / him up.

You could also talk to a friend who ‘gets’ what you are saying and will listen to you when you vent. If you don’t know anyone who will get it, write out your feelings and do it over and over till you feel at peace with what happened.

If you really want to empower yourself and come away having benefited from this awful incident, you could learn some basic self defence, which should help you feel stronger and more in control.

And eventually, just so you don’t end up hating all men look around you and see the many men who are not street harassers. The men who actually avoid bumping into you or touching you when you walk on the street and are generally respectful when they speak to you. There are people like that also. That should give you hope that all is not lost in the world.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, November 22nd, 2015