Salam Alikum khala,

I wanted to ask you about my mother. My parents separated a long time ago because our mother always wanted a wealthy man. We, her children, were completely ignored in order to please other people or her relatives and their children. So my father separated from her and brought us up himself with all the love and care and attention a child may need.

We were not very well off back then, so our mother seldom contacted us and she went on to marry a very wealthy person just like she had always wanted. Since then our financial position also improved and now we have a home and cars and everything.

She is now trying to increase her role in our life as she calls us quite often and asks us to meet her at some place. But over time I have started to realise that she is only looking for a ride from point A to point B and back, and is not actually interested in us or our lives. I told her once that my car is being repaired and that it will take a month. I did not hear from her for a month. After that she called me to know if my car has been repaired and asked me to take her for shopping and to wait outside.

That is all we get to see of her when we take her shopping — a few minutes in the car with us explaining how rich she is and how she spends money on clothes and shoes and how rich her husband is and how their kids spend money freely and how they bought a new SUV.

She does not even know where I study and how old my elder brother’s son is and how long it has been since my sister got married. What do I do when I need a mother?

I have tried to talk to her but she simply never listens and always cuts me short to tell a story of how her elder son, with her new husband, bought a designer kurta for this much. She is obsessed with money and her new family and we feel like outcasts. I am not interested in listening to her glamorous life just as she is not interested in our lives. I do not want to correct her or make her realise anything. I only want to know what I should do.

Chauffeur

Dear Son,

Unfortunately everyone who can give birth is not equipped to be a parent. While it is sad that your mother is the way she is, you should take heart from the fact that all of us in the world have our own set of challenges. While the prevalent culture teaches us to be good and obedient to our parents, sometimes when children are more mature and responsible than their parents, it becomes a problem.

You don’t live with your mother and grew up without having her around, which is why her flaws are so obvious to you. Many people with selfish parents go through life never realising how they have become victim to their parents’ selfishness. While I would never recommend that you be rude to your mother, Auntie will say that you don’t have to do as she asks all the time. So far by turning up every time she wants a ride, the signal you are giving her is that you are another person she can use.

Your mother views the world in terms of what and who she can use and who and what she cannot use. You cannot understand that thinking, because you unselfishly do as she asks despite the fact that she wronged you and your siblings when she left for greener pastures years ago.

It’s time to think about yourself and see the injustice in what she has done and is doing. Craving your mother’s attention is natural, but she is just not the mother you would like her to be. And expecting her to change is a tall order. What you can control in this situation is your own behaviour pattern. Be polite and say that you can’t pick or drop her the next time her driver isn’t available. Do it a few times, just so she knows you can say ‘no’ to her.

AOA Khala jee,

I’m a boy of 18 years of age. My problem is that I love a girl who is very pretty, but the problem is that I’m very shy person and I can’t help myself. I want to tell her how much I love her, but every time I fail. Please tell me what to do?

Your bhanja

Dear Nephew,

Love is a big word and you are using it a little lightly here. In fact, if you go up to her and tell her how much you love her, it will only make her want to run away.

So let’s just stick to saying you like her a lot and would like to get to know her a little better before you make any grand declarations.

Try being friends with her first? Get talking to her, but avoid the temptation to present yourself as Superman. Be yourself. Auntie cannot emphasise the importance of this. If there is one thing that will increase your chance of being friendly with this girl, it is honesty. So if FIFA doesn’t excite you and she’s a mad fan, don’t pretend it is your thing too just to please her. It will upset her whenever the truth comes out. Besides, pretending to be someone else is exhausting.

The next time you run into her, find the courage to greet her with a smile. And if you can muster some more courage, give her a genuine compliment. ‘Genuine’ being the key word here. Finally, think of different things you could discuss whenever you get the chance to talk to her, such as a movie you saw, an article or book you read, or even the music you listen to. There is plenty you can say to her, instead of a premature love declaration.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, July 27th, 2014