Published Sep 09, 2018 06:56am

CLIFTONIA: THE MINISTRY OF ULTIMATE HABERDASHERY

Farid Alvie

A relatively new entrant to the field of politics, Jimmy Jirga, the Republic of Cliftonia’s newly-appointed Minister for Haberdashery, has come a long way indeed. A former investment banker and, therefore, know-it-all, Jirga holds an MBA from the prestigious Southern Cliftonia University of Management (SCUM). He can be frequently seen on renowned international news sources such as WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook, holding forth on a number of diverse topics such as global politics, entrepreneurship, comparative religion, cinema, music, zoology, the ethics and practice of journalism, tribal culture and the Rothschilds. He also believes he is a photographer. 

In an exclusive interview, he spoke to Eos about his recent win, his party’s inspirational leader and his future plans.

Eos: First of all, heartiest congratulations on winning the elections and being appointed a minister.

A revolting leader shares his plans and projects in the newly-elected government

JJ: Thank you, Kashif. It is, indeed, a great honour and privilege to be a member of this motley group of extraordinary revoluters who have ascended the throne of our glorious republic. My journey as a devoted disciple of my leader has finally borne fruit. Throughout my struggle — as part of a political movement that has been an integral part of my being for almost three weeks now — I never once gave up hope. In the perennial battle between the haves and the have-nots, our party successfully thwarted the status quo by introducing the have-mores. Cliftonians across the nation appreciated this bold move and propelled us to victory.

Eos: What is your agenda and what are your priorities within that agenda now that you are in government?

JJ: At the outset, let me be very clear about what our mission is. As you know, Kashif, we have received this massive mandate on the strength of our revolting rhetoric. Billions upon billions used to turn up for our weekly jalsas. So in order to honour our commitment to them, we plan on turning our revolting rhetoric into equally revolting practice. The status quo will never be the same again.

We have a firm plan in place for our first nine-and-a-half weeks. We face substantial challenges, I grant you that. But then when has my leader ever shied away from a challenge? His bravery spurs the rest of us on to tackle what we can and backtrack on what we must. Unlike other parties, we are a truly democratic party where all decisions are taken by our chairman and obediently followed by the rest. This is one of the primary reasons you can never compare my leader with any other right-wing populist leader in the world. He is simply above and beyond compare. How he — and the rest of us — remains so humble is one of the universe’s great mysteries, Kashif…

Eos: If I may interject here, my name is not Kashif.

When has my leader ever shied away from a challenge? His bravery spurs the rest of us on to tackle what we can and backtrack on what we must.

JJ: What a coincidence, neither is mine!

Eos: Our republic faces daunting financial challenges. How do you propose to implement your welfare policies?

JJ: As committed welfare statists, we have read Marx extensively on WhatsApp. We wholeheartedly believe with his contention that religion is the opium of the masses. But then, we also know that opium is a drug and that drugs are not permissible in any religion. Therefore, we believe it is imperative that our administration strictly implement what is allowed and what is not.

Eos: I don’t quite follow … are you trying to say that we should keep religion out of politics because of religious reasons?

JJ: Dekhain Kashif, ub aap qaum ko confuse na karain! [Now you shouldn’t confuse the nation]. This is a revolutionary concept. Unlike pseudos, we are true die hard liberals and, therefore, devouted followers of Marx and his anti-status quo views. When Marx said that he would not want to belong to any club that would accept him as a member, he was sending a strong message to establishments all across the world.

Eos: But wasn’t that Groucho and not Karl who said that?

JJ: Marx Marx hota hai, Kashif, chahay Groucho ho ya Karl! [Marx is Marx, whether Groucho or Karl]

Eos: What changes do you plan on implementing in your ministry?

JJ: As you know, my ministry is the first ministry of its kind in the history of our republic. My leader has always been a keen believer in civilian supremacy. He could not be bothered wasting his time on humdrum, run-of-the-mill ministries such as defence and foreign affairs. Instead he decided to establish new portfolios such as mine which have a crucial impact not only on the lives of the average Cliftonian but on global politics as well.

Under my leader’s leadership and upon my leader’s orders, our democratic cabinet is also working on setting up a Ministry of Brunch And Other Extracurricular Activities to strengthen civilian authority over the republic’s affairs. We are confident this will usher in a truly revolting era in Cliftonia.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 9th, 2018

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