With the advent of the new year, it is customary to cast a glance back at the year gone by and the many lessons it left embossed upon one’s mind, one’s heart and one’s lovingly exfoliated skin. As someone frequently feted by his own ego for his astounding intellectual prowess, one looked back at the year 2017 to pick out texts that only enriched one but also forced one to see life in myriad new, comforting and healing ways.

What follows is a brief look at some of the ground-breaking gems that played such an instrumental part in helping one cope with a coarse and difficult year. 

1) Lalamusa Telephone Directory, 1982: The names, the telephone numbers, the magic … one is still under their spell … one could never have imagined that there were so many Bajwas in the suburbs of Lalamusa … a small-town classic, a truly breathtaking read!

A round-up of groundbreaking texts that played an instrumental part in shaping the outgoing year

2) The Morphy Richards 4 Slices Mixed Toaster 242005 Manual: Succinct, to the point and devoid of hyperbole … having read it several times from cover to cover, one can proudly confess that one’s toasts have never been browner … a life-altering read which helps one determine exactly which side one’s bread has been buttered. 

3) The text on the Kool & Kool Selected Perfumed Facial Tissues Box: The fragrance of this gloriously gossamer product not only refreshed one but also instilled in one an abiding love for T-20 cricket.

4) The Daily Ummat, page 7, column 6, news item entitled ‘Baqiya Number 4’: The concluding paragraphs always contain something so deeply spiritual that one can’t help but be moderately enlightened … top-notch investigative reporting that shows one how the global manipulates the local; how world powers and their devilish plans prevent us from installing garbage skips in our cities and how, were it not for Divine intervention through martial means, our civilian pseudo, khooni liberals would have sold our neighbourhoods to Beelzebub aeons ago … a daily fix of literary barakah directly from jannah.

5) Fauji’s Fertiliser & Annual Report 1998: Filled with an inherent sense of justice, fairplay and the Pakistani way, the report moved one to tears … an exciting, fast-paced, page-turner with drama, suspense, and 1980’s infographics that leaves the reader wanting more … a glorious amalgam of fact and fiction!

6) Idaho — Irrigation & Livestock Fundamentals: Was shocked to know that one did not know any of this and even more shocked to realise that one did not need to know any of this. A must-not-read!

7) 5,983 WhatsApp forwarded-as-received messages: Ranging from religious edicts delivered by heavily-mustachioed YouTube scholars to exhaustingly long-winded political analyses by a gamut of self-confessed finance gurus, medical practitioners and investment bankers convinced they know it all, these WhatsApp messages were a constant source of enlightenment, inspiration and rumour-mongering at its finest … oftentimes, as one scrolled, one could see the light of awareness descend upon one and illumine every corner of one’s intellect with mind-numbing imbecility … a real eye-opener that has now become the basis of one’s political views and acumen.

8) “Tareekh saaz film Titanic ki heroine Kate Winslet Jahan-i-Fun Ki Mumtaz Aur Yaadgaar Adakara” (from the Showbiz section of the monthly Ghazi): a short-read that deserves to be turned into a long read … the story is more than an interview, it is akin to diving into the soul of one of our most accomplished Caucasians who also happens to be an actor … must admit one was deeply moved when Ms Winslet shared her innermost thoughts and said: “MaiN imandari say keh rahi hooN, maiN hur tarah say okay hooN.” [I am saying it with honesty, I am okay]. Awww, bless!

The hows, whys, what-ifs, who-cares, whatevs and WTFs of hypocrisy and international offshore banking combined in one scintillating book.

9) Dial M for Muridke: A heart-stopping, suspense-filled classic that features the antics of a band of merry men who refuse to be banned … we see the good-natured but misunderstood young rascals change their names more frequently than their underpants as they run from pillar to post, trying to avoid the long but warm and cuddly arm of the law … filled with substantial doses of untruth, dogmatic pronouncements, sheer ignorance and far too many unhygienic beards, the novel leaves one wanting less. A definite two thumbs plus middle finger up! The best-seller is slated to be brought to the silver screen in 2020 with Brad’s Pitt playing the role of the main protagonist.

10)  Offshore Banking and Other Short Stories by Sadiq Ameen: The hows, whys, what-ifs, who-cares, whatevs and WTFs of hypocrisy and international offshore banking combined in one scintillating book. As someone with a penchant for other people’s money and blatant tax evasion, one found the book absolutely invaluable … highly recommended for those starting out in politics, business, professional sports, and especially military service.11) 101 Trumpian tweets: ‘Nuff said!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 21st, 2018