Hello Auntie,
I am a 22-year-old girl. My problem concerns my father, who has been the worst man to me. My father has done nothing for me ever! For instance, he never took responsibility for me, despite having enough finances.

After college, while I was living ‘happily’ with my relatives, he proposed that I should let him take responsibility for me, including promising me admission to a university. Many uncles from my maternal family proposed that they could support my education, but I opted to trust my father. Had I accepted my uncles’ proposition, I would’ve graduated by now. My father doesn’t even care about my wasted years.

I believe God had put it in my heart to maintain boundaries, as my father kept me confused about my future, while he shifted to Dubai for a brand new life with a new family. While doing so, he even said that my relatives raised me with a bad character.

He has the emotional intelligence of an infant and he neither admits nor ‘recognises’ how much he has damaged my life. The only thing I recall receiving from him is emotional abuse and consequent hospital visits. I know he doesn’t deserve my attention after his heart-wrenching actions and remarks. Sadly, he’s not in the best of health, but I am glad that there is distance between us. I regret the time I have already wasted believing in him. How can I make peace with such harsh realities?
Only-Received-Damage

“I have a toxic father”

Hello Only-Received-Damage,
It is heart-wrenching to read your email. I am truly sorry to hear about the pain and the disappointment that you have experienced due to your father’s actions. You are hurt and feeling betrayed and bitter about how he has treated you. But you have been able to maintain boundaries and protect yourself from further emotional harm.

 It is very challenging to make peace with harsh realities like yours, but if you take out the time to self-reflect, it will hopefully help you cope and find peace. You should begin the healing process by allowing yourself to grieve the loss of this relationship. Feel it all. The anger, the sadness, the resentment and the disappointment towards your father.

Sometimes, people in your situation start blaming themselves for their parent’s behaviour. If you find yourself wondering what you have done to deserve this, I suggest you remind yourself that you are not responsible for your father’s behaviour.

Let go of any guilt or self-blame that you may be carrying regarding that. You already seem to have very supportive relatives. I suggest you hold on to them and surround yourself with those who can provide comfort, validation and encouragement.

At the same time, maintain healthy boundaries with your father, so you can protect yourself from further emotional harm. Prioritise your mental health. Think about seeking professional therapy. You can also journal and meditate or pray.

Also, while it is difficult, it is important to think about things other than what your father didn’t give you. Yes, an irresponsible father is your challenge in this life, but you cannot be defined by that. So, set your own goals and go about pursuing them.

At the same time, I would strongly recommend that you consider forgiving your father. This doesn’t mean that you excuse or explain away his actions — what he has been doing is wrong. In this case, forgiving him would mean releasing the hold his actions (or lack of actions) have on you. If that means that you have to write a letter to your father (you don’t have to send it if you don’t want to), then do that. This might go some way in helping you find closure.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 14th, 2024