Like all self-professed armchair philosophers, I spend far too much time badgering people to debate with me on things that matter:
‘Who will be the next leader of the free world?’
‘Which nation will be the next superpower?’
‘Where do I have to go to find some of the world’s sexiest men?’
According to a destination dating website, MissTravel, the question to the latter has been right in front of me all along.
Apparently, our very own Pakistan is host to the world’s third sexiest population of men. Obviously, my first reaction was a howl of despair.
This article is full of lies! Why the hell am I still single?
My next reaction was confusion – why on earth did Pakistani women not make this list?
Has the author seen Pakistan’s female population? We only happen to be a casually blessed nation full of equal parts dark-eyed, bronze-skinned and green-eyed, golden-haired beauties.
But then, in a moment of clarity, one profoundly staggering truth dawned on me. Clearly, Fawad Khan, Zayn Malik and Imran Khan have single-handedly saved Pakistan’s fairly-tarnished face.
To Pakistanis everywhere, I say: Yes, we live in bad times, but isn’t it times like these in which a nation and its people need fortifying the most? And so, to verify the accuracy of Pakistan’s first positive ranking in forever, I have carefully curated a list of Pakistan’s sexiest men. Feast now, thank me later.
Not-so-legal disclaimer: Facts matter little. The list below is my personal opinion and therefore just a soliloquy.
1. Fawad Khan
Currently the new pin-up boy of Bollywood, Fawad Khan has been charming Pakistanis for many years, as evidenced by a clearly insane base of Pakistani female fans, ranging from ages 2 to 70.
Winning all sorts of awards, signing the hottest B-wood movies, and refusing to do not-so-halal scenes, Fawad Khan currently represents all of Pakistan; distilled crystalline into one single utterance of the word ‘sexy’. In his Bollywood debut, Khoobsurat, he played himself (i.e. prince charming).
Following Khoobsurat, I permanently refuse to watch any film that shows him as less than a prince.
2. Zayn Malik
A quick Google search of the phrase ‘Zayn Malik’s hair’ (yes, I have a lot of free time) yields over 10 million results. When one of his loose strands casually escaped the hold of his hair product and fell gracefully on his forehead, girls everywhere lost it. Zayn’s loose strand currently has a Twitter account.
And, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit to having considered morphine addiction to ease the pain when Zayn Malik announced he was leaving 1D. Currently, we wait with baited breath as rumours of a solo career sustain our only hope.
3. Imran Khan
The collective hearts of all aunties audibly broke when Imran Khan tied the knot this year. Mere words do not do the Kaptaan justice, so I won’t try. In a nutshell, after gaining worldwide recognition as a cricketer in the 1990s, Imran Khan resurfaced as the leader of the PTI, which continues to emerge as a strong political party.
Currently, many in the nation pin their hopes on him – to not only make Pakistan a better place but to also maintain our ranking as #3 on the list of world’s sexiest men.
4. Hamza Ali Abbasi
To be honest, I can’t remember when this man appeared on my radar. But now it feels like he’s always been here and I hope he never leaves.
Viciously unbearable good looks combined with opinions that get him in trouble (he resigned as the PTI’s Cultural Secretary following comments he made about his female co-stars), I hereby proclaim Hamza Ali Abbasi, Lollywood’s current bad boy.
5. Sheheryar Munawar Siddiqui
Charming, smart (he turned down a job at a multinational to dabble in some casual acting), and smooth as a diplomat, Sheheryar Munawar Siddiqui has been one of the best things to happen to my TV-watching career.
There are many things I don’t understand, like the afterlife; how bread becomes toast; and just how Sheheryar Munawar Siddiqui manages to be the perfect amalgamation of sexy, adorable and humble. The best of descriptors I can come up with is that Sheheryar Munawar Siddiqui is the ultimate fitna.
Alas, I lower my gaze as I write this.
6. Ali Zafar
Some argue he’s a tad overrated but hey, the key point is Ali Zafar’s been making Pakistan look freaking amazing on an international platform for eons. He’s simply on it when it comes to life: in matters of style (recently voted Most Stylish across the border), in matters of principle (faithful to his wife of forever, always at the forefront of worthy causes), and a voice of a husky angel that matches his chiseled face.
While many of Pakistan’s notable men will be relegated to a footnote in history books, Ali Zafar will have a chapter. Maybe I’ll write it.
7. Abbas Jafri
Ex-cricketer Abbas Jafri is currently Pakistan’s top model, ruling all of Pakistan’s runways and hearts simultaneously.
Dubbed a Jesus-lookalike, Jafri, in all his bearded glory, definitely leaves us all just a little more spiritual at every new sighting. And with the whirlwind fashion week behind us, we wait with bated breath for Jafri to start his inevitable television career.
8. Amir Khan
Even though I can barely understand a word of what he’s saying what with his thick British accent and subpar Urdu, two-time boxing world champion Amir Khan gets to be on this list for being a heady combination of genuinely talented athlete, a positive example for disillusioned Muslim youth abroad, a good father and husband, dutiful son (he lives at home in Bolton, UK).
And, of course, for being mega-pleasant on the eyes.
9. Mikaal Zulfiqar
Exuding a very early 1900s, Gatsby-esque, old moneyed charm, my public service announcement for today is that Mikaal Zulfiqar should never wear anything but a pinstripe suit in public. Although he claims to be more interested in being a good actor and not a sex symbol, I’m just going to go ahead and dub him a sex symbol anyway.
Should he ever ask – and I think I speak on behalf of women everywhere – we would gladly accept his offer to ... Bay Ja Cycle Tay.
10. Ahsan Khan
This man is best described as a really good-looking wizard who doesn’t age. Ahsan Khan has been acting for almost 20 years, and in this time I have aged more harshly than he has.
Currently, I am probably too old to play one of his love interests (he seems to court only the <24 crowd onscreen). Regardless, Ahsan Khan continues to remain in my heart as he wields his wizardry as host, dancer, actor, model and crier of beautiful tears (seriously, he is one of the best male criers in Lollywood).