ANYONE who has any doubts that the Commando has really lost his marbles, and that those who surround him — his toadies and flunkies and sycophants and hangers-on — live in cloud cuckoo land should read a story in this newspaper of April 7 instant. ‘Official sources’ are the source of the story.

‘Americans to attack Fata if Musharraf steps down’ says among other things that only Musharraf’s ‘strong personal links’ with Dubya are keeping the Americans from attacking Fata and taking Dr A.Q. Khan ‘away’ for interrogation. Also that if Musharraf hadn’t worked ‘behind-the-scenes’ the ‘positive change’ in the MQM’s ‘outlook and role in national issues’ would not have happened.

While one will leave it to the MQM to answer the grave charge that it would have behaved negatively had the Commando’s sobering influence been absent, the point about the Americans not attacking Pakistan only because the Commando has ‘strong personal links’ with Dubya should get the moron (Dubya, here) impeached even now.

For the American voter would be much incensed if it became known to him or her that the commander-in-chief was not taking a certain action to the benefit of the United States (if a completely mad exercise such as an all-out attack on Pakistan could ever be considered a beneficial action for the US) merely because of friendship. They would physically kick the fellow out of the White House.

The story makes other silly assertions too, such as if the Commando resigns China would be annoyed because Gwadar (which the Americans didn’t want anyway!) would not be completed, etcetera. And of course that the Commando’s decision “to stay in office was more in ‘national interests’ than in his own”.

All one can say is that the man’s shamelessness quotient is higher than one thought. Which reminds me. Why in the world is he going to China on an official visit at all when the elected government in Islamabad already, and in ALL the provinces soon, will not even give him the time of day?

The Chinese are of an ancient culture; they are wise and courteous to a fault; and of course they will roll out the red carpet for him because of China’s long friendship with Pakistan. But why does the Commando insist on embarrassing them when they know perfectly well that he is a much despised person in the country he will pretend to represent? And, that time has moved on for him?

Indeed, Finance Minister Ishaq Dar has taken a principled stand and is not accompanying him because the PML-N wants to have nothing to do with him, a fact not unknown to the Chinese. (Why is Shah Mahmood Qureshi going, may one ask?). So why is the Commando going at all? Even now a convenient bout of ’flu should save all and sundry loads of embarrassment.

And now for the vultures. You can see them in every five-star hotel, and some wannabe five-star hotels; the vultures who land in Islamabad the Beautiful at every change of government dressed to kill in their designer suits, their feet adorned in Ferragamo shoes, Tumi briefcases held in beautifully manicured hands.

They move into suites that cost in the hundreds of dollars and hang around the hotel lobbies being obsequious, and trying to attach themselves to whomever they think has a chance of being thrown some scraps from the high table.

The faces are the same, with some few exceptions, as those one saw operating under the last lot, their modus operandi scarcely changing. These are the shysters and the deal-makers and the commission agents; these are the vultures out to make a quick buck or two (millions and trillions if possible, but anything will do).

They meet you with much familiarity even though you might never have met them, ever. Some who you might recognise from days gone by will say things like, “Yaar, you never call me when you come to Karachi”, as if they had called you whenever they were in Islamabad the Beautiful, every single week, making deals with the previous lot.

Their antennae are sensitive, so sensitive that they would put cockroaches to shame. For in no time at all — give them a night or two — they know who is who; who will be what; and who will not. Who they should give time to and who deserves the immediate cold shoulder. For time is of the essence to them and who knows what tomorrow might bring?!

I am reminded here of an amusing incident. I was the late and much lamented Benazir Bhutto’s press secretary in 1989 when a friend of a friend called from the airport to say he had just come in from Karachi and wanted to see me. I said sure, and sent my office person downstairs to the kitchen to get some hors d’oeuvre the PM House bakery used to provide for special occasions.

He came in, sat down, and asked if I could do him a ‘favour’. The request was not quite proper so I said that I did not think I could help him. “Achha,” he said, “to Bhai mein chalta hoon,” and walked right out of my office ignoring my pleadings to him to at least have a cup of tea that had just been brought in!! He wasn’t about to spend an extra minute with a useless character, so off he went!

May I end by saying that while Attorney-General Malik Qayyum’s shamelessness is almost, but not quite, at par with the Commando’s, he should be sacked forthwith. Not only is he an insalubrious character, his staying on is sending entirely the wrong signals.

Bushism of the week: “I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today … he married a Texas girl, I want you to know. A West Texas girl, just like me” —President George W. Bush; Nashville, Tennessee; May 27, 2004. n

kshafi1@yahoo.co.uk