The Shoaib Akhtar genital warts story provided further proof, if any more was required, that in Pakistan cricket, the jokes write themselves. There seems to have been more comedy than cricket of late. But the ongoing struggles of our team and board should not be categorised in the cheap-laugh genres of farce or slapstick. Rather, we seem to be watching a tragicomedy (with the emphasis on comedy. It’s only a game, after all). Like the best tragicomedies, this one is entertaining, full of lively characters, imbued with a sense of sadness and loss, yet, somehow, life-affirming.
To our credit, we’re not a nation who’ll just point and laugh at the misfortune of others. Even the punchiest Shoaib gags betrayed a genuine concern for health and safety: 'they must make sure his guard is thoroughly washed before it goes back in the kit bag'; 'he must not stroke the ball around his crotch area for shining purposes as it cannot be guaranteed that the warts will not be transmitted through his flannels.'
Yet in the Shoaib Akhtar story, the comedy is outweighed by the tragic flip-side. I wonder if the man has ever come across Dante’s Inferno, in which one of the circles of hell includes those who never made the most of their talent. Think of his devastating first-ever ball to Sachin Tendulkar in 1999. Think of his demolition of an Ashes-winning England team in 2005. Think, even, of last year’s three-over destruction of the Delhi Daredevils. Unfortunately, we more often think of his breakdowns, scandals and disappointments - there have been more failures than successes in the career of Shoaib Akhtar. If Dante’s work was truth rather than fiction, I’d say the Rawalpindi Express was headed straight for hell.
In many ways it is unfathomable that he still has an international career. Equally, that he still enjoys popular support. I remember being amazed in January this year when attending an ODI match against Sri Lanka in Karachi. The biggest cheer from the home crowd was reserved for when Shoaib came on to bowl. I was less amazed when the grateful Sri Lankan batsmen smashed his limp deliveries to all corners of the ground.
What explains the continuing cheers? What explains his continuing selection? Although his problems down below have ruled him out of the T20 World Cup, one will not be surprised to see him return after the tournament - this guy’s had more comebacks than Rocky.
I believe there are two reasons: our obsession with pace and our hunger for personalities. The Pakistan cricket team is a major source of pride in this country, and we feel particular satisfaction when our pacers do well. Since the 1980s, fans have been spoilt by a seemingly endless conveyor belt of genuine fast bowlers. This has dried up in recent years and, for many, it’s simply unacceptable for a Pakistan bowling attack to be spearheaded by someone as visibly unthreatening (though reliably accurate) as, say, Rao Iftikhar Anjum. Shoaib might not take wickets, he might not be economical, he might be detrimental to the team, but did you know he once bowled a ball at 100.2 MPH?
Similarly, he is a personality. In a team devoid of stand-out stars and fiery celebrities, his attention-grabbing antics and love of publicity - even though it’s mostly negative - only makes us want more. Whatever one says about Shoaib Akhtar and his bowling, the man is certainly a character. Which leaves me, in conclusion, to borrow a line from Mr. Wolf, the sharp-suited, fast-talking character in Pulp Fiction: 'just because you are a character doesn’t mean you have character.'
